Rainbow's End
by Jo. T
Summary: Sam meets a new girl which brings with it crises, while the West Wing face crises of a different kind. COMPLETE!
1. Happiness

Rainbow's End: 'Happiness' 1/11

Author: Jo. T.

Rating: PG

Genre: Angst, Romance

Sam/OFC Ensemble

Spoilers: This takes place in a vague haze around season 2 but spoilers through to the end of season 4 to be on the safe side. Essentially, if it's mentioned it happened if its not it was conveniently forgotten about.

Summary: Sam meets a new girl which brings with it crises, while the West Wing face crises of a different kind.

Disclaimer: The characters and any references to the series I've used, alas, do not belong to me, they belong to many lucky people to numerous to name. Similarly the song references do not belong to me, but each one is credited throughout. Disclaimer stands throughout

Feedback: This story has taken about a year to come full cycle, from conception to drafting and redrafting, beta-ing, redrafting again, leaving it for a while and then finishing and posting it, quite a long term project, so feedback would be interesting. I hope people think it worth it.  
  
Finally, to Pam who has been a beta for this and put up with many, many brackets and some very interesting SPAG throughout, enormous thanks.  
  
HAPPINESS  
  
_ I'm so happy I'm afraid I'll die  
Here in your arms  
What would you do if I died  
Like this, right now,  
Here in your arms?  
That we ever should have met is a miracle  
No, inevitable ('Happiness' from Passion (1994) by Stephen Sondheim, book by James Lapine).  
_  
3rd June  
  
"Hey Sam!" C.J. Cregg said as she beckoned the Deputy Communications Director into her office.  
  
"What can I do for you, Ceej?" Sam Seaborn asked as he stepped through the threshold, the ghost of a smile touched the corners of his mouth, he knew exactly about what she wanted to see him.  
  
"Come in. Take a seat." She said as she sat down on the couch and patted the empty seat beside her. She crossed her long legs neatly as Sam ambled across the room and flopped down beside her. C.J. tucked a rogue bit of hair behind her ear wondering how she could discreetly broach the subject she so desperately wanted information on. Not being able to think of an appropriate tack, C.J. decided to throw caution to the wind and go straight for the jugular. "You had your date last night?"  
  
He was right; this was to be an interrogation, which would no doubt be the first of many. A quick thought passed through Sam's mind about why people would be interested in his love life, then it occurred to him that Laurie may not have set the best precedent. In honesty he had to admit that he felt somewhat pleased, part of the reason they were so interested in this new girl he had met was because they had very little to fill the void in their own lives.  
  
"I did." His response was calm, restrained, almost bland.  
  
"And?"  
  
"And it was good."  
  
"Good? Just good?"  
  
Sam could no longer withhold his enthusiasm.  
  
"It was so much better than good, C.J. So good you would not believe."  
  
"You wish you'd done what we told you to and called her, don't you?"  
  
"I do not. I think she liked that I was a gentleman. I respected her perimeter."  
  
"You think she liked that?"  
  
"I really think that she did. I respected her personal space."  
  
"That get you lots of sex last night?"  
  
"Didn't you hear me say I respect her personal space?"  
  
"I did hear you say that, but that doesn't necessarily rule out sex."  
  
"We did not have sex as it happens, not that that is any of your business. We had a lovely evening."  
  
"Where did you take her?"  
  
"We went to a lovely restaurant with a lovely view over the Potomac."  
  
"You didn't make her eat outside, did you? It was like fifty below last night."  
  
"It was not fifty below. It's like the 3rd of June."  
  
"Sure, it is now. Yesterday it was only the second." C.J. pointed out.  
  
"Still, I think that we were O.K. It was a balmy night. A beautiful June evening filled with wine and roses. It was all those romantic things a perfect evening should be: the moon, June, roses and rainbow's end. Unlike the song, however, I am not saying 'Down With Love'."  
  
"Is that all you did? You sat and looked at a river while you ate something that would generously be described as a salad when in actual fact it was like, just an expensive lettuce leaf. I'm telling you, Spanky, if you took me on that kind of date there'd be no sex for you at the end of the eveni... Oh. Now I get it."  
  
"It was not like that at all C.J. When we were done with dinner, which was so damn late 'cos Toby thought that it would be funny to make me stay late after class, seen as I was a little late after lunch, we went for a walk part way along the Potomac, walked by the Lincoln Memorial, up to Constitution and round onto Pennsylvania Avenue via the Ellipse, past the White House... that may have been my ego a little there..."  
  
"She already knows you work at the White House Sam. She saw you here the other day."  
  
"Yeah, yeah. And then we walked around a bit until we got to Lafayette. We walked through Lafayette, where we spent the rest of the evening until I walked her home."  
  
"You couldn't splash out for a cab?"  
  
"It was romantic."  
  
"You walked through Lafayette?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"That's very sweet. You took her to the place it all started, just you, her, a park bench and a bagel."  
  
**2nd June**  
  
"Hey Toby. I'm sorry to be late back but I have just met her." Sam bounded into Toby's office, his blue eyes sparkling and his brown hair flopping forward in a rebellious fit. He had stolen a few moments to take his lunch in Lafayette Park and was now, much to Toby's consternation, running late. In his excitement Sam bounced up to Toby's desk, behind which Toby was sitting and banged his knee against the corner. "Ow!" he yelped, though even this did nothing to calm his indefatigable temperament.  
  
"This had better be good, Sam. And could you maybe sit down? My head is spinning."  
  
"But Toby, don't you see? I just met _her_."  
  
"Who?" Toby rested his chin on the palm of his right hand, painfully aware that Sam in this mood would not allow him to get on with his extensive piles of work until he had been briefed on whatever it was that had set the Deputy Communications Director off.  
  
"The most wonderful and beautiful..."  
  
"S'up?" Josh Lyman came in to join the party in Toby's office not wanting to miss out on any gossip, indeed, wanting, for once, to beat Donna Moss to the scandal. Toby groaned, painfully aware that he would not be in a position to do any work in the near future.  
  
"What do you want?" Toby demanded.  
  
"Sam went out for lunch and Donna told me that he practically skipped back in!" Josh smirked.  
  
"You came here for that?"  
  
"Uhuh!" Josh nodded his head effusively, his curls bobbing up and down. "What happened Sam?"  
  
"Why were you skipping, Sam?" C.J. Cregg asked, as she too entered Toby's office and sat of the sofa. She crossed her long legs and raised an amused eyebrow in Sam's direction.  
  
"No, no, C.J., feel free to come on in." Toby grumbled, "It's not as if I have anything better to do than hear about what idiot thing Sam's done now."  
  
"Don't be a grouch, Toby; we're interested, Spanky."  
  
"Yeah, come on Sam. Why were you skipping?" Toby looked pointedly down at the paper in front of him but kept one ear on the conversation.  
  
"Number one," Sam said with a grin plastered across his face, "I didn't skip so much as I leaped and bounded with poise and grace and number two: I met her."  
  
"Met who?" Josh asked confused.  
  
"I met her, Josh. The girl of my dreams."  
  
"Oh. Ah. A-kay."  
  
"Who is she Sam?" This had certainly gotten C.J.'s interest.  
  
"She's not a call girl or related to your boss or anything is she?" Josh clarified.  
  
"Josh! She is not. She has long brown hair with fantastic natural red highlights, they positively glow and exude radiance and beauty. She has intense blue-grey eyes and the sweetest solemn face you have ever seen in your life. But her grin... When she grins her whole face lights up! She's very contented, very clever, she's everything anyone could possibly want and more, and, to top things off, she gave me her phone number."  
  
"Way to go Sam!" Josh commended. "Where'd you meet her?"  
  
"Lafayette. I sat on the same bench as she did to eat my bagel and we just happened to get talking." Sam walked over to the couch and plopped down onto it next to C.J. Josh responded by perching himself on Toby's small coffee table to continue his interrogation. Toby rolled his eyes as C.J. scooted herself round on the sofa to get a clear look at Sam's face.  
  
"You really liked her, huh, Spanky?"  
  
"I really did."  
  
"When are you going to meet up with her again?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"You said you got her number, right?"  
  
"Well, yeah."  
  
"So, when are you gonna call her, so you can see each other properly, not just on a bench for fifteen minutes over a sandwich."  
  
"Well, firstly it was a bagel and secondly, I'm not gonna call her."  
  
"What?" Josh was incredulous. "Sam, you SKIP back into the White House, extolling her virtues for all to hear and yet you're not gonna call her?"  
  
"No way!"  
  
"Why the hell not?" Toby couldn't stand being on the periphery any longer. He put his pen down onto his yellow legal pad and walked around his desk. He turned around one of his desk chairs and joined in with the congregated group.  
  
"I can't call her Toby. We had a nice lunch together, I don't want to ruin that. Besides, I think that if I do, it might be presumptuous."  
  
"Sam, she gave you her number. I think that it's a pretty safe bet that she wants you to call her." C.J. said.  
  
"You think?" Sam sounded surprised.  
  
"Sam!" Josh threw his hands in the air out of exasperation.  
  
"We just had a nice lunch, Josh."  
  
"She gave you her number!" Josh all but shouted. "You've got to call her."  
  
"Look, Josh. I think that it might be taking advantage. I really do think that it would be presumptuous of me."  
  
"Sam, she GAVE you her number. It was a voluntary thing; she wanted you to have it."  
  
"I couldn't Josh. It wouldn't be right."  
  
"Does anyone else feel like we've already had this conversation?" Toby moaned and C.J. nodded in response. "Sam, call her, don't call her, I don't care, but can we please, please return to some serious work."  
  
"I won't call her." Sam decided.  
  
"Fine, now you can go and not call her from your office, and you two." Toby shifted his attention to Josh and C.J. "can get your asses out of my office, and I mean stat.!" C.J. and Josh exchanged glances, but followed Sam as he led the trio out of Toby's office.  
  
"Sam!" Josh called from around C.J.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Don't forget that I need you for the civil rights meeting at two."  
  
"No, I'm gonna get prepped now."  
  
"Call her, Sam." C.J. shot back over her shoulder.  
  
"No." Sam called back. "I think that our meeting was like two ships that pass in the night; our lives grazed one another's once, just for a moment and for that moment there was magic. But that's all it was, a simple, single moment."  
  
"Whatever." Josh said. C.J. rolled her eyes.  
  
"I heard that, C.J." Sam called. She could do nothing but giggle as she and Josh left the Communications Bullpen; it never ceased to amaze her how people in the West Wing had the finely honed skill of hearing people roll their eyes.  
  
Toby sat grinning away in his own office. _Oh to be young and in love! _He remembered the days when he and Andi were courting; that's what it used to be then, courting. Far less gauche than today's version. _Yes. They were good times, Toby thought. It was only when we got married that things became...less than good. _Although he and Andi were no longer married, he would never begrudge any time they had spent together, except perhaps when she was being particularly argumentative. _Never mind,_ Toby thought. _It's good that Sam has something else to focus on that doesn't come in the form of a hooker...call girl! _Toby mentally corrected himself. _He'd just better make sure that it doesn't interfere with his work!  
_  
Sam sat grinning in his office too. He couldn't believe that he had just met the girl of his dreams and in no way would she cause any trouble to his job or position. _No one could get mad about this, there's no scandal; she is not the boss's daughter and she is not a Republican. What could possibly be better!_  
  
He smiled to himself for another minute, then took in a deep breath and began to focus on the papers in front of him ready for the meeting he would be taking with Josh. He could not resist, however, looking up wistfully from time to time and sighing with contentment.  
  
When it became obvious that he would not get this girl out of his head he decided that he would exorcise some demons in his favourite way; with paper and pen. Sam decided that he would write a letter, obviously the intention was not to send it; its only purpose was simply to be.  
  
When his letter was complete he found he was able to concentrate better, though he vowed to himself that Toby should never find out about his few minutes distraction. On the bright side, at least it seemed to get the whole thing out of his system. He was now ready to focus on the meeting, which he expected would be excruciating, but he would do it nonetheless and he would fight his hardest, as he always did.  
  
**3rd June  
**  
"Yeah. We went back to where it all started. You know, we sat on that bench? It's a good bench. It's made of wood. It may have been oak."  
  
"It wasn't spruce?"  
  
"I don't think so. I'm pretty certain that it was made of a hard wood."  
  
"And spruce isn't a hard wood?"  
  
"No." Sam opened his mouth to explain the fundamental differences between hard wood, soft wood and any other wood that comes between but C.J. made a pre-emptive strike. She knew Sam's knowledge of the environment was almost as inexhaustible as the President's and that once he had gotten started he was like a speeding freight train; the momentum grew until it was impossible to stop.  
  
"It's O.K. Sam. You know what? I have a press briefing to go to. I'll see you at staff." Sam grinned ruefully and left C.J.'s office, while the Press Secretary breathed a sigh of relief. It was a close run thing but she had just avoided being subjected to a lecture on the great outdoors.  
  
No sooner had Sam left C.J.'s office than Donna Moss smiled in his direction and scooted over to find out the latest gossip.  
  
"Hey Sam. How'd it go last night?"  
  
"Good, Donna. Thank you."  
  
"Where'd you take her?" Sam rolled his eyes. He was not sure if he was prepared to go through all this again so he cut out the middle-man and related the part of the story where they were in Lafayette Park.  
  
"We went to the bench where we met. Where I had my bagel. It was very nice there. It's a nice bench. I think that it's made of oak." A look of horror panned across Donna's face only to be replaced by the sweetest smile she could muster. She looked around her desperately for some distraction. Unable to find anything onto which she could latch, she decided to adopt the age old adage of the West Wing:  
  
"Excuse me, Sam. I've gotta go and do a thing for Josh." And Donna ran off. Sam grinned to himself. Strike two!  
  
It was not that he didn't like talking about Alex, in fact, he enjoyed it a little too much. It was more the fact that he wasn't entirely comfortable with everybody in the West Wing knowing his business, especially as far as his relationships were concerned. As if he had not faced enough comments and inquisitions when he was seeing Laurie and kind of seeing Mallory nor did he have to endure Josh's distaste at his choice of women as he had with Lisa. Not that Josh was really in a position to talk given his dating record but he seemed to conveniently forget his own chequered dating past when ribbing Sam became a possibility.  
  
After Sam had escaped from the clutches of Donna, he faced his biggest challenge: Josh Lyman.  
  
Josh was standing in his office doorway, a big, dopey grin plastered across his face.  
  
"Hey, Sam." _Here we go again, _Sam thought. "I thought I heard you out here."  
  
"Yeah, you heard me. I was just talking to Donna."  
  
"Donna's not out here, Sam."  
  
"No she isn't. She ran off when I began my bench speech."  
  
"You have a bench speech?"  
  
"I do."  
  
"What's it about?"  
  
"It's about cheese, Josh."  
  
"You have a bench speech about cheese? Isn't that a little bit weird?" Josh paused a moment and the light slowly turned itself on. "Oh. You were trying to be funny there. A little bit of your funny, funny humour to deflect attention from your date last night. How'd it go?"  
  
Sam stepped into Josh's office and told him the whole story: the lunch, the Potomac, Pennsylvania Avenue and the bench in Lafayette.


	2. Trust The Wind

Rainbow's End: 'Trust The Wind' 2/11  
  
**TRUST THE WIND**  
  
**3rd June**  
  
Sam was finishing giving Josh all the details of his date with Alexandra.  
  
"So you had a good night?"  
  
"I had a very good night."  
  
"Did she have a good night too?"  
  
"I really think she did."  
  
"Well, that's great, man."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"But really, what were the chances of you two meeting again like that. I mean, the chances are astronomical. I think it's fate."  
  
**2nd June**  
  
Sam sat behind his desk, briefing papers for his meeting with Josh spread out in front of him and the letter he had so carefully crafted to Alex locked firmly in the bottom drawer of his desk. She may never receive it but Sam figured from time to time it would be there for him to take out and remember that perfect lunch. His eyes were looking forward unfocussed, while he held his glasses loosely by the arm, unconsciously twisting them around.  
  
"Sam." Josh called interrupting Sam's reverie. Sam put his glasses on the desk in front of him and focussed his attention on Josh, who was standing in front of his desk.  
  
"Josh. Sorry. I was miles away there."  
  
"A trip to the moon on gossamer wings?"  
  
"It was just one of those things." Sam grinned like a schoolboy. Josh could tell, just from the lost and dreamy look on his face that his friend had fallen in love.  
  
"Well, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to disturb you. We gotta go to the meeting."  
  
"They're here already?"  
  
"Sam!" Josh exclaimed shocked and anxious. "It's three thirty. They're running late."  
  
"Oh." Sam looked sheepish again, like a naughty child who had just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Not Mrs. Landingham's cookie jar, obviously. If he had been caught with his hand in there he would be lucky to have any hand left at all!  
  
"You read the briefing notes?" Sam nodded the affirmative. He had read them, it wasn't a lie, he just couldn't vouch for how much of the information he had actually absorbed. "O.K."  
  
Sam stood up and stretched his limbs, stiff from sitting for so long without the release of movement and followed Josh to the Roosevelt room. The two men could see through the open doorway that a whole collection of people had assembled: a civil rights lawyer, a particularly stubborn Republican Congressman whom the White House were trying to court in attempts to reduce some of the damage he could do to their agenda and also a pair of democratic Congressman.  
  
This would be excruciating, Josh knew. Congressman Richardson courting the White House on reinstating the draft, a pet project of his, Congressman Matt Skinner there to argue against gay marriage recognition (again) and Congresswoman Andrea Wyatt, there at the behest of Jeff Breckenridge, the Assistant Attorney General for Civil Rights to discuss slavery reparations and any number of other things. The lawyer was attached to the ACLU and an expert in her field, which only served to increase Josh's displeasure at having to chair the meeting and why he felt he needed Sam there to hold his hand, so to speak. They were all there to discuss these various elements that would come up on the President's next trip to California, scheduled midway through August.  
  
The Staff and the President were scheduled to attend a wide variety of meetings whilst there and wanted to prepare for them early to anticipate any consequential problems and nip them in the bud before they became a thing. The fact that all of the above coincided meant killing three birds with one stone and meant that Josh had only to endure the one long meeting, rather than several "short" ones that start off shorter then end up running out of control  
  
As they entered the room, everybody within stood up to formally greet one another. The three Congress 'men' were both well known to the two White House staffers as they had all had many run-ins in the past; the lawyer was new.  
  
Josh stepped straight up to her to introduce himself while Sam was distracted by Andi, who was questioning him on disturbing rumours she had heard that Toby had been eating salad. Sam assured her that they were not true, just someone having a little fun and also that the prospect of Toby eating a salad was about as close to the likelihood that the two of them would ever re-marry.  
  
When Sam had finished his conversation with Congresswoman Wyatt and had shaken the hands of Congressmen Richardson and Skinner, he turned his attention to the civil rights lawyer. She was about five foot six with long brown hair with natural red highlights that positively glowed. She had intense blue-grey eyes and a solemn face but when she smiled her whole face lit up.  
  
She was just about to introduce herself to Josh when she caught sight of Sam.  
  
Sam blinked a couple of times when he saw her, unable to believe what was in front of his own two eyes.  
  
"You?"  
  
"Yes." She said in a soft voice.  
  
"You never said that you did this for a living."  
  
"You didn't ask. Besides, I didn't want to intimidate you." Josh raised an eyebrow in Sam's direction.  
  
"You two know each other?"  
  
"We've met." Sam said, a smile on his face and a sparkle in his eyes.  
  
"Where? When?"  
  
"Josh. This is Alexandra Johnston." Josh looked momentarily perplexed as he tried to remember where he had heard the name before, then it dawned on him.  
  
"Oh. You're the one that Sam met in the park, right?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"He's told us a lot about you."  
  
"Really."  
  
"It's all good, don't worry."  
  
"He's not known me that long. I don't think that there's anything that bad about me that he could have picked up over one lunch, except perhaps my proclivity to get my lunch down my blouse but if I'm having a good day I miss my sweater and the food that falls lands on my pants"  
  
"Today was a good day?" Josh attempted to discreetly catch a glimpse of Alex's top. Alex shook her head.  
  
"No. In fact today was a very good day. I managed to hit the floor, though given the comparative sizes of me and the ground it really makes you wonder how I could possibly miss in the first place." Josh grinned. He liked this girl; she seemed suited to Sam. It sounded as if the two had something in common, in their nature at least. Matt Skinner cleared his throat; he wanted to get on.  
  
Josh quickly introduced Alex to the rest of the room while Sam looked alternately at the paper in front of him, his face pink from the blush that rested there, and catching quick glimpses of Alexandra through doe-eyes across the long table. It really did seem like the fates had conspired to bring them together.  
  
X X X  
  
_There's a voice that's softly whispering inside my head _

_Telling me I'm gonna be all right _

_It keeps saying let yourself be led where you are led _

_Don't hold back, don't put up a fight.  
  
_

_It tells me trust the wind, breathe the air _

_There's a place you're meant to be and you're already there _

_Open up your heart and let life in _

_You know that you can always trust the wind  
  
_

_Dreams have wings, thoughts take flight _

_All good things are streaming t'ward us every day _

_They hear our prayers, they know the way  
  
_

_I'm gonna trust the wind, breathe the air _

_Let it take me on its wings and carry me somewhere _

_I'll open up my heart and let life in I know wherever breezes blow, _

_Wherever winding rivers flow I'm going where I need to go _

_I can trust the wind  
  
_

_(Extract from: 'Trust The Wind' by David Friedman, transcribed from JoJo de la Cerna's album: Trust The Wind)._  
  
X X X  
  
**June 2nd**  
  
After a very fruitful meeting Sam took Alex back to his office. As they walked through the hallways and the Communications Bullpen they were followed by dozens of pairs of eyes, all wondering who it was that Sam was with, especially because his skipping escapades had become common knowledge throughout the West Wing; nay the White House.  
  
Toby and C.J. were in Toby's office looking over some information for the next press briefing when they saw Sam and a woman enter the room next door. When they heard Sam close the door they shot up from where they were sitting and went to the glass partition that separated the two offices, trying to peer through the slats of the closed blind. When that failed, they decided that the next best thing was to do a recon. mission; remaining silent to gather as much information as they could simply from listening in. Had they not been so curious to find out what was going on and who the woman was, they may have felt a little guilty for encroaching on Sam's privacy, as it was however, the pair had no such scruples.  
  
X X X  
  
"So, you're a lawyer."  
  
"So are you, only you work for the President."  
  
"I do. And you came to see me for the purposes of your work. That's sweet."  
  
"You do realise that I didn't come to see you. I mean, I would have been here even if you didn't work here."  
  
"Right. And you do know that even if you didn't come here for your work, I'd still be here for my work!"  
  
"Sam, tell me honestly; do you actually understand where this conversation is going?"  
  
"Not at all."  
  
"Do you understand where it's just been?"  
  
"No. I think that I'm just a little nervous. I'm not good at situations like this."  
  
"Meeting people in your office?"  
  
"No. With women. Whenever I meet a woman they get me in trouble. Well no. I think I've actually got the getting into trouble bit down all by myself." Alex nodded.  
  
"I read about the call girl."  
  
X X X  
  
Josh burst into Toby's office to tell him what had happened at their meeting; that the woman Sam liked was there, only to see the Communications Director and the White House Press Secretary with their ears pressed as closely as they could be to the partition.  
  
"The woman Sam met earlier was...What are you guys doing?" He changed course as the observation penetrated.  
  
"Shhh." Toby said, waving his arms around to shush Josh.  
  
"Sam's got a woman in there." C.J. added in a whisper.  
  
"It's the woman he met earlier, Alex. She was at our meeting along with Toby's Congressman and the ex-Mrs. Ziegler. What are they talking about?" Josh asked.  
  
"When I find a sentence in comprehensible English I'll let you know." Toby hissed.  
  
X X X  
  
"Were you going to call me?"  
  
"I..." Sam thought a minute. "I honestly don't know. I wanted to. I wanted to more than anything but I didn't think that you would want me to."  
  
"Why not? I gave you my number; I wanted you to call me."  
  
"You see the thing is, I don't get women. I never know if they like me, if they don't like me. I never know if they're looking at me or not. If they want me to call them or not of if they're indifferent altogether...I'm talking too much again, aren't I?"  
  
"Just a little bit."  
  
"I wanted to be chivalrous."  
  
"That's sweet."  
  
"Look, do you want to, maybe, you know... Do you want to go out with me for dinner tonight?"  
  
"I would love to."  
  
"I mean I'd understand if you didn't. I mean, that would be fine and I wouldn't mind at all, well, I would, but if that was what you wanted I would respect that. Wait..." Alex smiled. Finally he'd got the idea. "Did you accept?"  
  
"I did."  
  
"You'll come to dinner with me?"  
  
"Yes I will."  
  
"Right." Sam took a deep breath. This is going extraordinarily well. Sam thought. "There's this new restaurant that's opened. It's open late, which believe me, with this job is certainly an advantage. Anyway, it has a wonderful view over the Potomac and it looks very pretty when it's dark and you can see all the lights outside, I'll make arrangements. The food's meant to be good, so Josh says. You remember Josh?"  
  
"Yeah Sam. He chaired the meeting that we were both in just a couple minutes ago."  
  
"Yeah. Anyway, Josh says that the food is really good, though how he knows that I'm not entirely sure as I don't think he's left the office in the past three months but... Sorry." Alex smiled.  
  
"You know, you really are very sweet when you talk a lot because you're nervous."  
  
"You think it's sweet?"  
  
"I really do."  
  
"O.K. You know, you were very good in that meeting in there. You made some very good points. I think that you made them very well."  
  
"Thank you. I think you made your points very well too."  
  
"I'm sorry. I don't actually know what I'm meant to say now." Alex grinned at him, one of her mega-watt smiles.  
  
"You don't have to say anything at all." She said.  
  
All of a sudden there was an explosion of laughter that Sam could not pinpoint at first. He looked about him confused as he reached for his desk and took his glasses, hoping that by putting them on things would become clearer. Miraculously things did become clearer as the guffaws continued.  
  
Sam raised his finger to his lips to indicate for Alex to be quiet. She looked at him quizzically but complied as Sam crept towards the glass partition that separated his and Toby's offices. With one swift movement he hoisted the blind to reveal three faces, frozen in time amid their laughter as they realised what had happened; they had been sprung. Sam tapped on the window and waved for Toby to meet him in the doorway.  
  
"Hi."  
  
"Hey Sam. What's up?"  
  
"I could ask you the same question."  
  
"You could I guess but I think it's a bit of a waste of time seen as we both know the answer."  
  
"You were listening?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"How much did you hear?"  
  
"Pretty much all of it."  
  
"Ah."  
  
Josh stuck his head out of Toby's office and joined them.  
  
"Hey Sam."  
  
"Josh." Then: "C.J." He called over Josh's shoulder, as the tall woman loitered behind Josh, still in Toby's office.  
  
"Sam."  
  
"So you guys were laughing there."  
  
"Yeah." Said Josh. "Sorry man."  
  
"So she's the one who had you as giddy as a thing earlier?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"What do you think?"  
  
"She seems nice." Toby shrugged.  
  
"She's very sweet, Sam." C.J. said stepping up to the door to join the three men, no longer able to stay out of the conversation.  
  
"She seems great." Josh enthused, his head bobbing up and down, his brown curls danced with a mind of their own. "I mean she looks... well."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"You'd make a cute couple Spanky. You need a foible..."  
  
"Plus you need someone to bring you in from those idiotic rants that lose any meaning they may have begun with." Toby finished.  
  
"What were you laughing at?"  
  
"Well, gee Mr. Speechwriter, _I don't actually know what I'm meant to say right now_." Josh mimicked.  
  
"_You don't need to say anything at all._"C.J. added a big grin on her face and her voice raised an octave.  
  
"Hi." Came a new voice to the conversation. "For the record, I don't think I sound like that. Lyrical and birdlike yes, a smurf, no."  
  
"Oh. Hi." C.J. said looking about her desperately to try and find a quick way out of the hole she had dug for herself. Instead she saw Josh smirking and Toby with a broad grin under his beard.  
  
"Toby Ziegler. Sam's boss." Toby introduced himself.  
  
"Alexandra Johnston." Alex shook the hand that Toby had offered to her.  
  
"C.J. Cregg." C.J. added, coming to her senses and putting the unfortunate circumstances under which she flashed onto Alex's radar out of her head.  
  
"Hi, C.J."  
  
"So you two are going out on a date tonight?" Josh asked.  
  
"We're going out for a meal." Sam affirmed.  
  
"The place with the view over the Potomac?"  
  
"You know that it is, Josh. You were listening to our conversation through the window."  
  
"We were. And I have to tell you man, that's a great choice about the restaurant, it really is something else."  
  
"And here I was thinking it was just a restaurant, and nothing else." Alex giggled.  
  
"I like this girl" Josh said. "You guys have fun tonight. We'll leave you alone to make your plans. Meeting again like that, I don't know, but I would say that fate is really smiling on you!" Josh, C.J. and Toby all retreated back into Toby's office and closed the door behind them.  
  
**3rd June**  
  
"You two are fated to be together like Romeo and Juliet."  
  
"I really hope that that's not the case."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"They both died, Josh."  
  
"Fine then, let's say Sonny and Cher, John Lennon and Yoko Ono" Sam groaned.  
  
"Josh, none of those ended well."  
  
"They didn't?"  
  
"Not so much, no. There was a lot of death and dying involved there."  
  
"They're all the famous couples I could think of."  
  
"Well, do me a favour, Josh. Don't speculate any more. I just met the girl of my dreams, I don't want for either of us to die." Josh grinned and took a quick look at his wrist watch.  
  
"C'mon buddy. I think that it's about time for Staff. We're in the Oval, right?"  
  
"Donna didn't tell you?"  
  
"She left me a note. I can't read it, she used her distinctive penmanship." Josh screwed up his face as he waved the note between Sam and himself as if by some fluke it would make the writing on it clearer.  
  
"Don't ask me what it says; I've not had time to unpack my glasses yet. In fact I've not managed to get to my office to open my briefcase yet, let alone empty it." As if to answer any query Josh had, Donna popped her head around the doorway to his office.  
  
"Hi guys; Staff."  
  
"Where?" Josh asked plaintively.  
  
"I left you a note Joshua."  
  
"Donnatella, I know that you left me a note, the only problem being that I couldn't actually read it. I think that we're going to have to send you off on a handwriting course."  
  
"There's nothing the matter with my handwriting, Josh. I have distinctive penmanship like..."  
  
"...like Salvador Dali, so you've told me; many, many times!" Josh stood up assertively. "C'mon Sam."  
  
Sam shrugged at Donna as he walked past her where she stood in the doorway and followed Josh down the hallways to try and find Staff. Had Josh not been so proud he would have asked Donna again but he felt that that would somewhat take the edge off his indignation. Instead both he and Sam hoped that they would chance to meet someone who did know where the meeting was.  
  
When C.J. did not materialise to walk with them, the two took the scenic route and went via the Communications Bullpen; it also provided the ideal opportunity for Sam to dump his briefcase and rescue his glasses, otherwise his attendance at the meeting would probably be futile as he would not be able to read the memos that were thrust upon him. Fortunately their arrival coincided with Toby's departure and he decided that for once he felt both generous and sociable and waited with Josh while Sam sorted his stuff out.  
  
There was a series of small thumps and quiet curses as various things flew off Sam's desk and from his briefcase onto the floor. Toby and Josh turned their backs on the open door so that Sam could not see their smiles.  
  
"Do you know how he got on last night?"  
  
"It went well, apparently."  
  
"She didn't turn out to be a call girl or anything that I don't want to know about, did she?"  
  
"As far as I know, we're fine."  
  
"Excellent."  
  
"However, I seem to recall that we didn't find out about the last one being a hooker until, like a week after."  
  
"Even longer in C.J.'s case." Toby said.  
  
"That is certainly one conversation I don't want to relive. She just about scared me to death when I found her sitting in my office." Toby grinned, he remembered the account C.J. had given him of the same event; the words "abject shock", "fear", "deer" and "headlights" featured prominently.  
  
"Guys, you ready?" Sam asked coming up behind them from his office.  
  
"Sure." Josh said, and the 'gang of three' set off together to get to Staff. "Toby?"  
  
"Josh?"  
  
"Where is Staff?"  
  
"You don't know?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Donna didn't tell you?"  
  
"She left me a Post-it. I couldn't read it."  
  
"Distinctive penmanship?"  
  
"Supposedly."  
  
"In the Oval."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
Toby turned his attention to Sam.  
  
"So things went well yesterday, Sam?" Toby enquired.  
  
"Yes. Thank you."  
  
"She's not a hooker, is she?"  
  
"No Toby, she is most definitely not. I've been burnt before. Besides, we didn't have any sex."  
  
"Well, that makes me feel better, Sam. And I would like to thank you for being you and giving me far more information than I could possibly care to know." Sam grinned as Toby grumbled.  
  
"It was good. We spent a nice evening together. You wanna hear what we did?" Toby glanced at Josh over Sam's head and saw the younger man quickly shake his head. Toby took the hint:  
  
"Sorry, Sam, I don't think that we have time right now. Oh look, we're here." Toby was more than a little relieved.  
  
They had just arrived at the President's Outer Office where Mrs. Landingham was sitting behind her desk and Charlie was standing sifting through some files in the tall filing cabinet.  
  
"Good morning boys."  
  
"Good morning, Mrs. Landingham." Sam said.  
  
"Would you like a cookie, Sam?"  
  
"I would, thank you." Sam lifted the lid from the jar, reached his hand in and pulled out a cookie. He smiled pleasantly at the President's old secretary.  
  
"May I have a cookie, Mrs. Landingham, please?"  
  
"You may not Josh."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"You've not been nice to your assistant. Donna works very hard for you, you do not appreciate her, so you don't get a cookie."  
  
"A-kay." Josh found it very difficult to argue with this logic.  
  
Silence prevailed.  
  
"Aren't you going to ask me if you can have a cookie Toby?"  
  
"I think that we both know what your answer would be, don't we?"  
  
"You might be surprised."  
  
"I imagine that that's highly unlikely." Mrs. Landingham looked at him pointedly. Toby rolled his eyes. "Fine. Mrs. Landingham, may I have a cookie?"  
  
"You may not." Toby opened his mouth to respond but was prevented from doing so when he heard the President call out of the Oval:  
  
"Charlie, I'm ready to see the Staff now. Send them in."  
  
"Sir." Charlie called back. "You can go in now guys."  
  
"Thanks Charlie." Josh said. Toby simply growled at the Executive Secretary as he entered the Oval Office.  
  
"Did I just hear you growl there, Toby?"  
  
"You may have done Sir."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Your secretary is withholding cookies."  
  
"She won't let you have one either?" The President asked.  
  
"Nor me." Said Josh. "Sam got one." Josh said in a somewhat disgruntled tone.  
  
"Teacher's pet." The President said.  
  
The door on the far side of the Oval Office came open and in walked Leo McGarry who cut a very dashing figure in his dapper wardrobe.  
  
"Leo."  
  
"Mr. President. We're just waiting on C.J.?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"She'll be along in a minute?"  
  
"Yes." Answered C.J. as she walked quickly through the door that conjoined the Oval Office and the Outer Office. Her shoulders were slumped to try and reduce the physical presence her height impressed in the room and making herself a smaller, less noticeable target for any forthcoming comments on punctuality. This tack, however, was largely unsuccessful; C.J.'s very presence in a room could not be missed, her height and manner a natural draw for attention. "Sorry to be late."  
  
"That's fine, C.J. Let's get on. All of you sit down, would you please."  
  
Sam sat on one end of one of the long couches with Josh at the other, while C.J. and Toby occupied similar positions on the sofa opposite. The President and Leo both sat themselves in the wing-back chairs.  
  
"Just before we start," the President said, "I think that you should all know that Leo's been testing his missile defence shield again."  
  
"How's it doing?"  
  
"It's doing great." Leo said, nodding enthusiastically though not wanting to elaborate any further.  
  
"Only missed by a hundred seventeen miles this time?" Josh wisecracked.  
  
"No, no Josh." The President said. "It missed by a hundred twenty-three."  
  
"Well," Josh conceded, "at least it's getting nearer."  
  
"It still missed!" The President said. "The fact that it didn't miss by quite as much as last time is hardly a consolation to me."  
  
"It'll work, Sir."  
  
"Anytime soon, Lucy?" C.J., Josh, Sam and Toby exchanged glances with one another. They could only assume that it was some private joke between the President and Leo; if only they knew!


	3. Unworthy Of Your Love

**Rainbow's End: 'Unworthy Of Your Love' 3/11  
  
UNWORTHY OF YOUR LOVE  
  
2nd September**  
  
"Good morning to you, Donnatella!" White House Deputy Chief of Staff, Joshua Lyman chirruped as he bounded past his assistant, who was working at her desk, on the way through the bullpen to his office.  
  
It was 6.30 on a clear September morning and Josh was in a startlingly good mood for such an early hour, usually he was not a morning person. He had found it odd that his aide, Donna Moss, had not been by the door to meet him but he shook the thought off. He put it down to any of a million different reasons, perhaps the most likely being that she was mad at him. Josh concluded that if Donna was mad at him she would soon get over it. The 'healing' process would be accelerated if there was something she deemed imperative that he should know. This sort of detail, however, was usually one for which Josh actually had very little concern. That was just the way their relationship worked.  
  
Josh sat down in his desk chair and began to thumb through the files and the papers that were on the desk in front on him. On top of a blue file, located in a pile all of its own sat a luminescent post-it note, a radio- active green colour. On it, scrawled in the illegible hieroglyphics of Donna's hand were the words, or what Josh perceived the words to be, 'jam for Stef's tea'.  
  
_Who the hell is Stef? Unless the President's going to challenge Toby and C.J. to another game of mixed doubles. And she tries to kid me that this is distinctive penmanship. Josh mused. Well, not by any definition I'd choose to give the term, it sure as hell isn't!  
_  
There was a light knocking on the door; Josh looked up to see who was there. Part of him anticipated seeing Donna, even though the fact there was a knock provided the subtle hint that it most certainly was not. Even so, in the back of his mind Josh had kind of expected to see his assistant, so when he saw lofty, leggy Press Secretary, C.J. Cregg he got a shock.  
  
"Claudia Jean, good morning! You aren't going to play mixed doubles with the President are you?" Josh probed, trying to establish the meaning behind his note.  
  
"No. Besides, I don't think Toby's recovered from last time. That ball must've hurt hitting him at that speed."  
  
"A-Kay." Josh put that thought out of his mind for the moment. "And what is it that brings you to the dark and dingy depths of my office? You fancy some adventure in your sad little life?" Josh teased.  
  
"The only thing that could be construed as adventurous here, Joshua, is hoping to find a way out of this mess alive!" Josh flashed her his biggest and brightest grin.  
  
"Can't make it too easy for people to leave my lair, C.J. I might go hungry." C.J. flashed him a smile back then studied him carefully from top to toe, the unkempt hair, the inane grin. Something seemed wrong to C.J.  
  
"Josh, you feeling O.K.?"  
  
"I feel fine, C.J." Josh answered perplexed. "Why?"  
  
"It's just that it's 6.35 in the morning and not only are you both awake and alert but you're also in a good mood!"  
  
"That's very good, C.J. Very funny. Now, whaddaya want?"  
  
"I can't come in here for a social visit? It hurts me to think that you think that I would only come down here because I wanted something."  
  
"Well, didn't you?"  
  
"Well...Yeah."  
  
"And there's my point!" Josh smirked triumphantly as C.J. glowered.  
  
"I wanted you to look this through for me before Senior Staff."  
  
"When is Senior Staff?"  
  
"You don't know?"  
  
"No. I think that someone's assistant is perhaps a little mad, today. I'll give you a clue, it's Donna."  
  
"Whatcha do to her, Josh?"  
  
"As far as I know?" C.J. nodded an affirmation, the movement of her head barely perceptible, it was more done through the tone of her eyebrows. "Nothing." C.J.'s right eyebrow arched further. "Honest to God, C.J. I can't think of one thing that I've done lately that could possibly make Donna mad. Well, not that mad anyway." Josh amended.  
  
"How long's it been?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Since she got mad at you."  
  
"Since this morning?" Josh sounded a little doubtful.  
  
"You say something to her last night before she went home that could have made her mad?"  
  
"No. I even let her out early. She had a date last night."  
  
"That was very 'not-you', Josh."  
  
"Yeah, well, I only let her go early because of the fact that she had that date last night and I wanted to be spared the incessant ranting that Donna seems to find compulsory on the subject."  
  
"How selfless!" C.J.'s response to the tale was particularly sardonic.  
  
"You think that it could have been the date?"  
  
"I dunno. It may have been..."  
  
"Yeah, especially considering some of the total gomers she dated in the past. Maybe he did something that made her mad and now she's on an inverted misogynistic conquest and is mad at every man she comes into contact with." C.J. tutted.  
  
"Read this." She threw the file she had wanted him to look at onto his desk right under his nose. She turned around and walked to the doorway. When she got there, she paused momentarily; then carried on, saying over her shoulder as she went that Senior Staff was at 7.00.  
  
Josh picked up the file and began to flick through it, all the while wondering what he could do to bring his indefatigable, acerbic and somewhat controlling assistant back.  
  
_I could speak to Sam, see if Donna's told any of the girls in Communications what's wrong. She talks to them and then they report back to Sam. I'll call him. No. Wait. I can't call him, Donna'll find out. I'll go see him. Maybe I'll find some unsuspecting aide I can interrogate on the way. Oh yes. Hold on to your seats guys and girls, Joshua 'Rambo' Lyman is in the building!  
_  
Josh stood up and began to walk to the door to his office; halfway however, he decided that he perhaps ought to take the file C.J. had thrown at him. Who knew, maybe Sam had already read what was in the file and would relay that information to him.  
  
_Two birds with one stone. I really am da man!_  
  
Josh left his office and ventured through the Bullpen, calling to Donna on the way.  
  
"Donna, I'm just going to go see Sam, I should be back after Senior Staff." There was no reply from Donna. "Wow. She really must be mad." Josh murmured to himself.  
  
He walked through the hallways of the West Wing until he reached the Communications Bullpen. None of the department's aides were anywhere about.  
  
_Dammit! I was gonna talk to them._  
  
Instead, he proceeded straight toward Sam's office and stood, craning his neck to see if the Deputy Communications Director looked to be free to speak. Unable to see clearly, Josh decided that he would risk entering. He knocked on the door.  
  
It was dark inside Sam's office; Sam's figure slumped over his desk, his head resting on his arms. The pose of the silhouette was very telling, clearly expressing the exhaustion of Sam Seaborn. Josh kicked something on the office floor on the way in, unable to see for the gloom. The noise caused Sam to sit up with a start. Josh wondered if Sam had a migraine with having all the lights off but Sam stopped Josh from wondering why he was sitting in total darkness when he answered an unasked question with a loaded response.  
  
"I wasn't asleep."  
  
"Uh huh."  
  
"I was just, well, I was..."  
  
"Looking very closely at something on your desk?" Josh suggested.  
  
"Oh screw it. So I was asleep." Sam took a moment to come to his senses. "Take a seat, Josh. You want I should turn the overhead light on?"  
  
"Yeah." Josh sat down in the chair opposite Sam's, while Sam walked round his desk toward the light switch. Josh heard the light snap on but he was unprepared for the sudden surge of brightness that hit him. He blinked involuntarily until his eyes had grown accustomed to the light. Sam walked wearily back to the far side of his desk. He wore a mussed charcoal grey suit and white shirt, the top buttons of his shirt were undone and his tie hung loosely around his neck. He was in need of a shave and looked over to Josh with bleary eyes.  
  
"My God, Sam. You look like hell! You get any sleep last night?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"You really should you know."  
  
"Yeah. What can I do for you, Josh?"  
  
"Well..."  
  
"And please bear in mind that we have Staff in twenty minutes and I think I'd kind of like to tidy myself up a little beforehand."  
  
"Er, sure. It's just that...well, I just...O.K. So I was just wondering if you'd heard anything about Donna."  
  
"She's your assistant." Sam said quite simply.  
  
"Yeah. She is Sam. So, have you heard anything?"  
  
"I just told you what I heard."  
  
"You heard that Donna is my assistant?"  
  
"Yeah. Well, actually some of the rumours do actually say that it's more the other way round..."  
  
"Funny Sam. So, you heard anything?"  
  
"About Donna?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"No. Like what?"  
  
"She's mad with me."  
  
"What did you do to her, Josh?"  
  
"Noth...wait! Why does everyone assume that it's my fault?"  
  
"You really want to know?"  
  
"Not really."  
  
"It's cos it usually is."  
  
"Yeah. Thanks Sam."  
  
"Why's she mad?"  
  
"I was hoping you might know. Have you actually been following this conversation or not?"  
  
"Honestly? Not really; I'm clinically asleep right now. Anyway, why would I know? She's your assistant."  
  
"I didn't know whether any of the aides over here had said anything to you. You know, without their little gossip network I swear to God that I would never find anything out."  
  
"I've not heard a thing."  
  
"What were you doing last night that made you look so bad?"  
  
"I was round at Alex's."  
  
"Everything O.K. with you two?"  
  
"Yeah. She's just...you know she's not been very well lately; she was throwing up again all last night." Josh screwed up his nose.  
  
"This is probably gonna seem like a silly question under the circumstances."  
  
"What?"  
  
"So, did you read that report C.J.'s been going around with?"  
  
"I did."  
  
"What's it about?"  
  
"I'm not telling you; you should read it yourself."  
  
"Well, let's work on the principle that I now don't have time 'cos I've wasted my time here talking to you."  
  
"You could try saying that, Josh but I do not think C.J. would appreciate an excuse like that."  
  
"You're probably right there."  
  
"Yeah! So, you read the report while I go clean myself up a bit."  
  
"O.K."  
  
"I'll meet you back here in five?"  
  
"Yeah, sure thing." Sam opened the bottom drawer of his desk and saw the letter he had written all that time before. He forced his eyes to leave the paper and set themselves on what he was looking for, a small bag that contained a razor and a few bits and pieces; all staples should an individual chance to do an all-nighter, also handy should a person leave home in an unfit state for work for whatever reason.  
  
Josh had parked himself in one of Sam's guest chairs and flicked open the file. As he was leaving Sam had to pass Josh, who snagged his arm.  
  
"Seriously Sam, is Alex O.K.? She's been sick for a little while now."  
  
"Yeah. She's going to go see the doctor again later, the antibiotics he gave her last week don't seem to be doing any good. Hopefully they'll find out what's wrong this time."  
  
"She's O.K.?"  
  
"Yeah." Sam nodded adamantly and left to make himself presentable for the imminent Staff meeting.  
  
**17th August**  
  
The phone rang while Sam was lying in bed. It was his first Sunday off in a long while and he was looking forward to having a lie in and then spending the rest of the day with Alex. If this was Josh having fun at Sam's expense, he was not impressed, nor was he impressed if it was Toby telling him that there was a speech that needed writing now.  
  
He snatched the phone from the cradle where it sat on his nightstand, glancing at the alarm clock, 7.30.  
  
"Josh, if that's you, so help me..."  
  
"Sam, it's not Josh, it's me." Sam recognised the voice immediately as Alexandra's, worrying him instantly.  
  
"What's up?"  
  
"I'm not sure I can make our date today."  
  
"Why not? Is everything O.K.? Are you all right?" Sam's mind was going into overload. It really was amazing how quickly this girl had managed to penetrate his existence.  
  
"I'm sure everything's fine, I've probably been working too hard lately and I'm feeling a little off colour." This did little to relieve Sam's concern so he decided to take some affirmative action.  
  
"Yeah. I'll come over."  
  
"Sam, I'll be fine. I think I just need to spend the day in bed. I really am sorry."  
  
"Why? You can't help getting sick. I'll be over in a little while."  
  
"You really don't need to..."  
  
"Lex, you're sick. You'll get better much more quickly if you have someone who can take care of you." He made it sound like the only logical conclusion.  
  
"Thanks Sam."  
  
"Do you need me to bring anything over?" Eager to do anything he could to help.  
  
"I think we should be fine."  
  
"Right. I'll see you in a little while. Now, you stay in bed, keep warm and the TLC will be coming in a little while."  
  
"Thank you." Sam put down the phone and began to get dressed frantically as he made a mental list of everything he would need to do.  
  
He quickly pulled on a pair of blue jeans a t-shirt and his favourite black, round-necked jumper and ran from his apartment down to his car, grabbing some work on the way, hopped in and set off.  
  
Sam arrived at Alex's apartment about an hour later after a trip to a supermarket that opened early, buying out its supplies of anything he felt they could possibly need: tissues in case it was a cold; several large cartons of orange juice, good for the vitamin C; cod liver oil capsules because he had heard that they're good for lots of things even if they did taste more like poison; herbal teas in several varieties, some of which he had never even heard; cans of soup (several varieties) – sick people always want soup; Tylenol; Maalox and a whole array of other bits and pieces, half of which Sam had never, ever bought before in his entire life.  
  
He let himself in the front door, laden with his bags of supplies, with the key Alex had given him in case of emergencies. _Well, _Sam figured, _this seems like an emergency to me!_  
  
"Lexie?" He called. Sam walked into Alex's sitting room with its comfy sofa where many a happy evening had been spent over the past couple of months; having a quiet time in together watching movies, eating take-out and enjoying each other's company. The room was light and airy, helped by the large windows at the end and the light cream paint on the wall. The décor was simple but very contemporary; very Alex, he thought.  
  
He walked through the sitting room, popped the bags of supplies on the countertop in the kitchen and then he went down the short hallway that led to the bedroom. When he reached the door that led to the bedroom he knocked lightly on it, so as not to catch her unawares.  
  
"Sam?" Came a quiet voice from inside. Sam pushed the door open and saw Alex tucked up in her bed, looking thoroughly miserable. "Hey."  
  
"Hi Sweetie, how are you feeling?" Alex pulled a face. Sam didn't need to hear (or see) anymore. "I bought some stuff you might need."  
  
Sam walked up to the bed and perched on the edge. He rested his hand on Alex's forehead to brush away a stray bit of hair and to try to determine whether her temperature was up.  
  
"Woah, you're warm. I think that you have a fever. Do you have a thermometer?" Sam sounded efficient and 'doctor-like'; very much in control of the situation.  
  
"In the bathroom cabinet."  
  
"O.K. I'll go find it. Do you want anything bringing?"  
  
"I'd kill for a cup of coffee!"  
  
"A glass of OJ it is then." Sam grinned as Alex harrumphed, trying to figure out how Sam had gotten from coffee to orange juice in one swift step. He bent down and kissed her gently on the forehead and straightened the comforter she had wrapped around her. She had obviously been fidgeting so much it had started to work its way off the bed. "I'll be back in a minute." Sam closed the door quietly behind him as he left the room, heading for the kitchen first to get out some orange juice.  
  
He found the glasses where they were usually kept, in the cupboard above the washing machine and filled it about three-quarters full with the orange juice that he had just bought, putting the open carton into the fridge to cool the rest of its contents. He picked up the glass and put it on the occasional table in the hall and opened up the door to the bathroom. The bathroom was a soft mint in colour, very pretty with its chrome fixtures and fittings. He saw what he was looking for, the small cupboard to the left of the sink that housed everything a girl could possibly want, including, lurking at the back, a small thermometer.  
  
"Aha." Said Sam triumphantly as he snagged it from its hiding place. He replaced everything he had removed and shut the cupboard door, leaving the bathroom as he had found it and closing the door. He picked up the glass on his way past the table, the takeover as smooth as a relay runner accepting the baton.  
  
He re-entered Alex's room to see her trying to sit up in bed.  
  
"What do you think you're doing?" He asked her. After he put the glass of OJ and the thermometer down on the nightstand, he set about organising some pillows behind her to prop her up. When she was settled Sam popped the thermometer in her mouth and left it there for a minute. When the time was up, he took it from her mouth and looked at it. "Well, you know I thought you had a fever? Turns out I was right."  
  
"How high?"  
  
"Pretty high. 102.5. I should call and make an appointment for you with your doctor."  
  
"There's no need, Sam. I'm sure I can just sleep it off."  
  
"All right, then. You drink your juice and then lie down and sleep for a bit. I'm telling you though, if your temperature hasn't gone down and you don't feel any better when you wake up, I'm calling your doctor."  
  
"Fine, Mom!"  
  
"What symptoms do you have, anyway?"  
  
"I feel tired; I have a fever, at least, you say that I do; when I got out of bed to use the bathroom everything hurt, it was like I'd run a marathon or something. I have a bit of a headache too but it only gets really bad when I move."  
  
"O.K. Drink the juice and go to sleep. I'll be outside if you want anything."  
  
"Sam?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Will you stay in here with me?"  
  
"Of course I will, honey. I'll just go and get a couple reports I need to read for some statements we've got to do. I'll sit in here and do some work while you rest. That O.K. with you?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
X X X  
  
Alexandra stirred as she started to wake up. Sam was sitting on a chair by the window, a file open on his knee and a pen in his hand underlining key passages which actually turned out to be the majority of the documents; there was more covered with neon yellow highlighter than wasn't.  
  
"Lexie, honey, how are you feeling?" Sam asked quietly as he stepped over to the bed, perching himself on the edge.  
  
"No better. What time is it?"  
  
"4.30."  
  
"4.30? In the afternoon?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I don't think that I've ever slept that long in my life."  
  
"And it did no good at all?"  
  
"I don't think so."  
  
"I'll take your temperature again, get you another glass of juice and then I'm calling your doctor. Where do you keep the number?"  
  
"It's in the book by the telephone in the sitting room."  
  
"O.K. If I pop this in now..." Sam said as he reached for the thermometer from the nightstand and shoved it into Alex's mouth before she even realised what was going on, "...it should just about be cooked by the time I get back."  
  
Sam left to refill the glass with orange juice, now cool from having been in the refrigerator. He returned to the bedroom and removed the thermometer, handing over the glass as an exchange.  
  
"Hmmm."  
  
"What? Has it gone down?"  
  
"No, no. 102.7."  
  
"It's gone up?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I'm gonna go call the doctor and see if I can get you a consultation."  
  
"K."  
  
Sam wasn't an expert in illness; seldom ill himself he remembered how debilitating the flu could be, that was all it was, he thought. Or some viral thing, there's often something like that going about.  
  
Sam got on well with making a doctor's appointment. If he hurried he figured he could get Alex there for an emergency appointment at 5.00; the surgery was just around the corner.  
  
"Lex," he said as he once again walked the familiar hall to the bedroom. "I've got you an appointment for 5.00, we need to get you dressed and into my car, stat. Do you need a hand or can you manage?"  
  
"I'll be fine."  
  
"I'll wait out here for you."  
  
A few minutes later, Alex walked slowly to where Sam was waiting, now in an old pair of khaki cargo pants and a beige T-shirt.  
  
"You look terrific." Sam grinned at her, his eyes twinkling.  
  
"Shut up, Sam." She grinned back but it was a mere shadow of its former self and her eyes lacked the sparkle they usually had.  
  
"My car's outside, come on." He led her out.  
  
X X X  
  
"Straight back into bed with you, miss." Sam instructed. He had put himself in charge and the large chemist's bag in his hand only reinforced his own opinion of his importance.  
  
"Yes Doctor. But Sam, you do realise that this is just a viral thing and that the medicine in that little bag you're holding is going to make it all better."  
  
"Into bed, have your medicine and go to sleep."  
  
"Will you stay with me tonight?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
Sam sorted out her medication and gave it to her then he sat himself on the bed next to Alexandra and wrapped his arms around her. She leaned back into them and closed her eyes. There she slept in his embrace. Sam stayed awake most of the night and for the next couple of weeks as Alex got no better. He kept her close but still whatever had its grips on her would not shift. Sam worked in the White House during the day and then went home to play nurse.  
  
2nd September  
  
"Have you read the report, Josh?" a now cleanly shaven Sam asked.  
  
"I have. It's about painting the White House. My thing is, why would they think that I would care enough to read a memo, let alone object in anyway. I mean, it's not as if they're going to paint it pink or anything, is it?"  
  
"If they did, we wouldn't work in the White House anymore, would we. They'd have to change the name. Think of all those D.C. guidebooks that would need to be changed."  
  
"Yeah. Whatever." Josh shrugged, "I really don't care."  
  
"To Staff?"  
  
"To Staff. It is in Leo's office, right?"  
  
"You don't know?"  
  
"I did tell you that Donna's pissed at me, leaving hostile post-it notes that I can't actually understand, didn't I?"  
  
"Something like that, yeah."  
  
"Well, Sam, she's so mad she didn't even tell me where Staff was."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"So where is it?"  
  
"Leo's."  
  
"O.K."  
  
The two set off, talking on the way.  
  
"What exactly is wrong with Alex?"  
  
"She's almost always got a fever, but it does sometimes clear and when we think that it's gone, it comes back with a vengeance. She's had headaches and she's been sick. She's got really sore bones and joints and things seem to be achy..."  
  
**27th August**  
  
"What's that, Lex?" Sam asked catching sight of something on Alex's arm, as she walked up to sit next to him on the sofa.  
  
"It's just a bruise. I must have caught it on the nightstand, I'm always doing that."  
  
"O.K."  
  
**2nd September**  
  
"Are you going to the doctor's with her? Do you need time?"  
  
"No. She says she'll manage by herself. I think she just wants a little independence for once."  
  
"O.K. You know, though, if you want time, I'm sure I can arrange something. You never take any sick days; I think you're entitled to a little personal time. Especially as Alex is as good as family." Sam was about to object, then he remembered their summer.  
  
**4th July**  
  
"You managed to get away early!" Alex squealed as she opened the front door and saw Sam Seaborn in front of her. She flung her arms around him and looked straight up into those clear eyes, deeper and bluer than the ocean.  
  
"I did." He beamed proudly. "I thought it would be nice. I thought we could take a picnic and go for a drive to Chesapeake Bay, get out my boat and take it for a sail. We can sit and watch the stars come out and watch the fireworks from out on the ocean blue. Then, we can come back to shore and have a steady drive back here to D.C. How does that sound to you?"  
  
"That sounds like heaven. There's just one thing, though."  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"I don't think that I have anything in any of my cupboards that is suitable for a picnic."  
  
"It's just as well I planned ahead then. There's a picnic all packed up in the trunk of my car, a very nice bottle of wine and also..." he reached around the door and picked something up from the hallway outside, "some flowers for you."  
  
"Sam, they're beautiful, thank you." It was the most beautiful bunch of blue irises, white lilies and red roses with a plethora of other flowers; all red, white and blue. Ideal for the holiday.  
  
"And the plan? What do you think of the plan?"  
  
"It's a good plan."  
  
"You think."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Alex ran into her room to get changed into something more appropriate. She threw on a pair of linen pants and a cotton shirt with thin stripes in different tones of blue and the odd hint of green. Sam was in stone-washed blue jeans with a black polo shirt and a Princeton sweatshirt tied around his middle.  
  
X X X  
  
_I am nothing,   
__You are wind and water and sky Darlin'   
__Tell me darlin',   
__How I can earn your love.   
__I would swim oceans,   
__I would move mountains,   
__I would do anything for you.   
__What do you want me to do?  
  
_

_I am unworthy of your love,   
__Darlin', darlin'   
__Let me prove worthy of your love.   
__Tell me how I can earn your love,   
__Set me free.   
__How can I turn your love to me?  
_

_I am nothing,   
__You are wind and devil and God, Darlin',   
__Take my blood and my body   
__For your love.   
__Let me feel fire,   
__Let me drink poison,   
__Tell me to tear my heart in two,   
__If that's what you want me to do...  
  
_

_I am unworthy of your love,   
__Darlin', darlin'   
__I have done nothing for your love.   
__Let me be worthy of your love,   
__Set me free –_

_I would come take you from your life...  
  
I would come take you from your cell...  
  
You would be queen to me, not wife...  
  
I would crawl belly-deep through hell...  
  
Baby, I'd die for you...  
  
Even though –  
  
I will always know:  
  
I am unworthy of your love,  
Darlin', darlin'.   
Let me be worthy of your love.   
I'll find a way to earn your love,   
Wait and see.   
Then you will turn your love to me,   
Your love to me...  
  
('Unworthy Of Your Love' from 'Assassins' by Stephen Sondheim and transcribed from 'Putting It Together', new recording (1999))._  
  
X X X  
  
"This was a wonderful idea of yours." Alex said as she lay down on the deck of Sam's boat. She was looking up at the sky and looking out at all the stars. There was a bang and a shower of stars overhead.  
  
"Looks like the fireworks are starting." Sam said moving in beside Alex, she snuggled up to him. She shivered a little as the breeze caught them. "Are you cold?"  
  
"It was just the wind, it was a little chilly."  
  
"Have my jumper." Sam reached for the sweater that was tied around his waist and wrapped it around Alex's shoulders. "Call it a compromise." She smiled and settled back contentedly in his arms. That night was when the fireworks really started.  
  
"Sam, are you even paying attention to what I'm saying?" The Chief of Staff asked in his usual acerbic tone.  
  
"Yeah. Sorry, Leo."  
  
"You're O.K. to start writing the thing for the State Dinner with Toby today?"  
  
"Yeah. Sure."  
  
"Something on your mind, Sam?" C.J. asked. "You look as if something is bothering you."  
  
"Everything's fine, Ceej, thanks." C.J. looked doubtful but decided to leave it alone.  
  
"Anyone got anything else."  
  
"Me." Said C.J.  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"Has everyone read the report I gave them this morning?" No one answered. "Let me put it another way; does anyone object to the report, memo, 'thing' I gave you earlier?"  
  
"Can I ask one question before I decide on an answer to that question?"  
  
"What, Joshua?" C.J. dreaded to think.  
  
"They're not going to paint it pink or anything are they?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"The White House, 'cos then it wouldn't be the White House anymore." C.J. opened her mouth to allow some biting remark to come out but nothing came.  
  
"No." she said. "Josh, I am not going to let you take me there. Does anyone have any sensible objections?"  
  
"C.J., like anybody could care less." Grumbled Toby.  
  
"Is that it?" asked Leo, keen to get the meeting over with and get back to testing his missile shield that still wasn't working, Josh guessed this and decided to have some fun.  
  
"How much is it missing by now, Leo?"  
  
"We got it down to 63 miles on the last go."  
  
"Well that's an improvement." C.J. nodded her approval.  
  
"Not if you consider that to get it down that low the distance it missed by went via 186 miles."  
  
"Ah. That's not so good." C.J. conceded.  
  
"C.J., there is no way that makes a difference." Toby pointed out, "It still missed!"  
  
"Get out!" said Leo. "C.J., go brief the Press about...something, Toby and Sam go write the speech for the State Dinner, I want a draft by close of play today and a finalised copy by lunchtime tomorrow. Oh, and Toby, try not to upset too many people this time and Josh, Josh...Josh, you go do whatever it is that you do."  
  
They dispersed and got to work, Josh hovering around Sam all day to make sure that he was doing O.K. If Sam decided he needed to take some time, Josh would be there to facilitate it.


	4. After The Rain

**Rainbow's End: 'After The Rain' 4/11  
  
AFTER THE RAIN  
  
3rd September**  
  
"I hate all of this waiting around. It makes me nervous."  
  
"It'll be fine honey." Sam said as he put his arm around Alexandra's shoulder.  
  
"I don't think so, Sam. They ordered those tests so quickly, it's serious. I know."  
  
"I'm sure it will be fine." Sam certainly hoped that it would be and squeezed her shoulders to show his support. "We'll get through this together."  
  
"Yeah." She took a deep breath.  
  
They were sitting in the Doctor's waiting room waiting for the results of some tests that the doctor had ordered the day before. Sam had taken some time out after writing the toast for the State Dinner with the President of France on the pre-text that he had to get some 'thing' done as a matter of importance. Sam knew that Josh said he would facilitate any time off Sam might need but he did not want to go to him, it was none of his business, it was something that he and Alex had to do.  
  
The surgery was bright and sterile looking with its clinical white walls. The brightly colored magazines on the tables scattered around the place did nothing to lift the mood and the low leatherette chairs had a creak that would make the most fearless person a quivering wreck. The loud ticking of a clock punctuated the silence. There was one wall that wasn't white, though what it was did not constitute an improvement: on the wall with the door that led to the consulting rooms was a large emblazoned picture/poster of a forest in autumn that covered the whole wall. It was meant to be comforting but it offered no comfort to Sam and Alex.  
  
**2nd September**  
  
"How did you get on at the Doctor's?" Sam asked when he eventually arrived home. He and Toby had been on a roll with the speech and dared not leave it in case they happened to lose their talent overnight, (it certainly would not have been the first time).  
  
"He sent me to the hospital for some tests. I had to see a specialist."  
  
"What kind of a specialist? What tests did they do?"  
  
"They took some blood to do a full examination of that, then they did a thing called a bone marrow biopsy where they took a bit of the bone marrow and the bone too and they also did a spinal tap, both of which involved a very big needle and hurt like hell despite the anesthesia. I had x-rays, MRI's and ultrasound scans."  
  
"Why didn't you call me?"  
  
"I didn't think to."  
  
"How did you get home?"  
  
"I took a cab."  
  
"You should've called."  
  
"I know. I'm sorry."  
  
"It hurt a lot?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Can I get you something to eat?"  
  
"No, thank you. I made myself some of the soup that you bought me all those weeks ago. At least it came in handy."  
  
"You don't want anything else?"  
  
"Only to go to sleep."  
  
"O.K. I'll put you to bed. When do you get the test results?"  
  
"Tomorrow."  
  
"I'm coming with you."  
  
"You can't. You have to go to work."  
  
"We're nearly done with the toast. We'll get it done early and I'll step out for a little while."  
  
"You sure?"  
  
"I'm positive. I'm not letting you go through all that alone."  
  
Even though Alex had not been upfront, telling him what the doctor suspected, Sam had a few suspicions of his own and the details of the tests that she'd had had to undergo served only to heighten his anxiety. He was not an expert but he'd seen enough episodes of ER to know that the news didn't look good.  
  
X X X  
  
There was no light entering the doctor's office from the outside, the sky was so overcast and the rain fell in heavy drops thudding against the window at irregular intervals, it was very oppressive. The unpredictability of their patter was unnerving.  
  
Doctor Schumann sat behind his desk with Sam and Alexandra facing him, hands by their side and locked in each other's tight grasp both shifting uncomfortably in their seats.  
  
"It's what?" Sam asked, leaning forward.  
  
"Acute Lymphocytic Leukaemia; ALL." Dr. Schumann paused for them to absorb the information. The best way for Sam to process this was to talk, which was more than Alexandra felt able to do. She sat there nodding her head, trying to take everything in, yet with that one sentence the influx of information had become something so overwhelming everything else seemed to displace itself.  
  
"Leukaemia, a derivative of the Greek words 'Leukos', meaning 'white' and 'haima' meaning blood." The Doctor gave Sam a sidelong glance but said nothing as Sam carried on. "It affects the white blood cells, right?"  
  
"Yes." The Doctor nodded. "In this case it has been caused by a genetic injury that has led to increased production in the white blood cells called lymphocytes. Because of the fast rate at which they multiply they do not have the chance to mature properly and that means that they cannot do their job properly. They may also crowd out normal white cells, red blood cells and platelets that mean the blood can't do its work properly. The fact that it is acute means that it progresses rapidly from the onset of symptoms, which you began to notice a couple of weeks ago."  
  
"What's the prognosis?" asked Sam.  
  
"This type of ALL has been classified as being sub-type L3 or Burkitt's type Leukaemia. Approximately 5% of all adults with ALL have this sub- type."  
  
"What's the prognosis?" Sam tried again.  
  
"Under the circumstances I'm afraid that the prognosis is not good."  
  
"Not good? What makes it not good? How not good is not good?"  
  
"We noticed that there were mutant Leukaemia cells visible around the spinal cord, we were shown this by the spinal tap, the MRI scans, the other scans, that there are clusters of the rogue cells gathering around the vital organs. It's in advanced stages. Treatment would serve to prolong your life by a few months but remission is not a probability."  
  
"It's not entirely out of the question, though?" Sam asked hopefully.  
  
"Not entirely but the possibility is negligible."  
  
"Oh. What would treatment mean? What kind of treatment?"  
  
"Well, it could be chemotherapy or radiotherapy or there are all sorts of drug trials. Whatever we do would need to be started as soon as possible but I'd rather not discuss a treatment regimen with you right now. I think that you both need time to adjust to the news and I think that anything I tell you hereafter will not sink in. Come back and see me tomorrow, we can discuss it then. It will give the both of you time to get a handle on this."  
  
"Thank you doctor." Said Sam, standing up. "We'll see you tomorrow."  
  
"Yes. Until tomorrow. Here are some pamphlets for you to flick through if you feel up to it." He deliberately gave them to Sam. Alexandra's face was fixed in a grimace.  
  
"Come on, sweetie." Sam said as he touched her gently on the shoulder. "Let's go home." She stood up and moved as directed out of the doctor's office, Sam with his arm around her.  
  
X X X  
  
_Only the pouring rain hides a tear forever.   
Clouds fill the sky again, can we cry together?   
Morning dew, hanging pearls out to dry   
Spreading a fashionable light   
Overcome the misty day   
Never a last goodbye – there's always tomorrow.   
Are things ever the same after the rain?...  
  
Tears of laughter bring a smile   
For special moments we're eternally grateful   
Take our memories of pain after the rain.  
  
Colour of blue September morning   
Bathe in a lighter shade of grey.   
Change the storm I carry in my heart,   
There's a brighter day.   
Colour of blue September morning   
Eyes of emotion tire and close,   
Change my heart, change emotion.   
Colour happy memories rose.  
  
Change my heart, change emotion.   
Colour happy memories rose.  
  
(Excerpt from 'After The Rain' by Mark Carroll transcribed from Ruthie Henshall: 'Pilgrim').  
_  
X X X  
  
Conversation was minimal as they drove home with the only really substantive comments from either of them being on the weather and the amount of rain D.C. had had since morning.  
  
Sam parked his car outside Alexandra's apartment. He got out and locked the driver's side door and went round to the passenger side to help her out.  
  
"I'm capable of walking Sam. I may be dying but my legs do still work for the moment." Sam took a step back but closed the door behind her.  
  
"I'm sorry. I was trying to be nice." He held his hands up to placate her. "I'm sorry."  
  
Alex led the way to her apartment and opened the door. Sam followed on behind, nervously leafing through the pamphlets that he had been given. They sat down side by side on the comfortable sofa but with a noticeable gap between them.  
  
"Shouldn't you be getting ready?" Alex asked.  
  
"I'm sorry, what?"  
  
"Shouldn't you be getting ready? It's a State Dinner. You're meant to be there."  
  
"I'm not going."  
  
"I would have thought that you have to go; you're the Deputy Communications Director. You wrote the toast."  
  
"Toby _and_ I wrote the toast and seeing as the toast is all written that's really all I can do with it. My being there or not will make no difference to the way the President delivers the speech, nor to the places he digresses."  
  
"You should go. Have a good night. I won't be much company."  
  
"I want to stay. I think that we need to be together. I think we need to talk."  
  
"I don't want to talk right now. You should go."  
  
"Lexa, I can't. I can't leave you like this."  
  
"I want the time alone, Sam. I need to get my head around this, it's a big thing. Leave me the pamphlets; I'll read them and get things straight."  
  
"You're sure?"  
  
"Go. You can't miss this."  
  
"I'll go, but I'm coming back here after and I'm coming to the doctor's with you in the morning."  
  
"Don't you need to go to work?"  
  
"I'll pretend I have a hangover. Nothing is going to stop me from being with you."  
  
"You don't have to do this you know, Sam. If you wanted to run now I would understand."  
  
"I'm not going to do that. We're in this together." Alexandra nodded. "Anyway, if I'm going I'd better... go."  
  
"Get into your tux. Do me a favour though, make sure you're still wearing it when you come back here tonight."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because I never could say no to man in a tuxedo. You look very sweet in your little bow tie and..."  
  
"I'm going now."  
  
"See you tonight?"  
  
"Count on it."  
  
X X X  
  
Against his better judgement Sam took a steady drive back to his apartment, his mind rapidly trying to process all the information that he had received in the space of one very short afternoon.  
  
As he neared his apartment his cell phone rang so he pulled into the side of the road to answer it. The caller ID told him that it was Josh calling, from his apartment, no less. Sam was very impressed that Josh had actually managed to find his way home, given the infrequency with which he actually made it there.  
  
"Josh?"  
  
"Sam, s'up?"  
  
"Nothing. What do you want?"  
  
"I was wondering..."  
  
"What do you want Josh?"  
  
"Can you pick me up tonight, give me a lift back in for the State Dinner?"  
  
"And you can't drive yourself because...?"  
  
"I want to have a drink tonight and I don't want to have to bother about getting home after; I know that you won't drink so I thought it would be an ideal solution."  
  
"Fine. I'll come by and get you at 6.30."  
  
"Thanks, Sam."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Sam, you O.K.? You sound very tort. Very tight. Is everything O.K.?"  
  
"It's fine Josh."  
  
"K. I'll see you at 6.30, then."  
  
"O.K." Sam pushed the button that ended the call and pulled out into the main stream of traffic to complete the journey to his apartment. He thought about grabbing something to eat when he got in, but the unsettled feeling in his stomach put him off the idea.  
  
X X X  
  
Sam had been home and donned his tux and was parked up outside Josh Lyman's apartment at 6.30pm on the dot, punctual to a fault. Sam sat drumming his fingers on the steering wheel as he waited for his friend. He saw Josh's head appear at the window about fifteen minutes later, register his car was parked down there and followed by his arrival forthwith.  
  
"Josh, you're late."  
  
"Sorry. I thought you'd come up when you got here."  
  
"I didn't. I thought I should wait down here."  
  
"You ready?"  
  
"I am now you've arrived. We should go."  
  
"Sam, I know I asked you this on the phone; are you O.K?"  
  
"Fine, Josh." With the sharp tone of Sam's answer, Josh decided that he would leave well alone and accept the answer Sam had given, despite the feeling he had to the contrary. Instead he decided to change the subject.  
  
"By the way, I found out why Donna was pissed at me."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Turns out she wasn't actually pissed at me. Doctor Freeride whom she was dating before she joined the campaign and then went back to and then finished with again, called by her apartment to see her while her new guy was there bringing the end to another one of Donna's no good men where things never actually go anywhere. She projected her anger toward him onto me."  
  
X X X  
  
The State Dinner was a very grand event; all the gentlemen in tuxedoes and all the ladies in beautiful ball gowns. The East Room was decorated beautifully with flags and bunting, it looked very sumptuous as all the guests drank from the finest crystal glasses, served to them on silver trays.  
  
The French President, Delacroix, was being introduced to all the important parties present by President Bartlet while the First Lady took Madame Delacroix under her wing for the more social element of the dinner. They would all be reunited for the meal of course and then the French couple would be given free rein to walk around the party as they pleased.  
  
On their arrival, Sam and Josh headed toward C.J. and Toby, who were both in a corner talking to the British Ambassador, Lord John Marbury.  
  
"This White House has an impeccable selection of alcoholic beverages." Lord John Marbury commended. Toby raised his glass. C.J. was wearing a cobalt blue dress of shot-silk, a bodice shaped top coming out into a skirt that hung beautifully, she looked the picture of elegance, her glass gently balanced between two fingers; she was definitely flirting.  
  
"Ah. Samuel. Joshua!" Marbury said as the two joined the group. "You appear to be arriving a little late."  
  
"The way Sam was driving I'm impressed we made it here at all." Josh said. "His mind was anywhere but where it should have been." C.J. stole a quick glance; Sam not being his usual careful self on the road was worrying. If there was one thing on which Sam prided himself, it was his exemplary driving record; he had never had a parking ticket, never jumped a light, he had never had an accident, never bumped his car, not even a minor transgression. Nothing.  
  
Lord John caught sight of a rapidly moving blur behind Josh's shoulder, after which he called:  
  
"Gerald!" You could practically see Leo cringe and look for some form of escape. Unfortunately for him, no quick exit route made itself available.  
  
"Your Lordship. Is everything all right?"  
  
"Excellent, Gerald. Excellent. Toby here has been telling me you've been testing your missile shield again. Have you finally managed to get it to work yet?"  
  
"Not perhaps in the way that you mean."  
  
"Ah. Still missing the target, then!" Lord John turned back to the group of four. If you will excuse me gentlemen, Principessa, I wish to speak some more with Gerald about his toy." The four Senior Staffers did their best to hide their grins, as they all knew the disdain Leo showed towards the eccentricities of the British Ambassador.  
  
"Is everything O.K. Sam?" C.J. asked. Josh's comment about Sam's driving had really caused her concern.  
  
"It's fine, C.J."  
  
"You look stressed." Added Toby.  
  
"I'm really not, Toby. I would be even less so if people stopped asking me questions about whether or not I'm stressed. If you'll excuse me." Sam left the three and entered the throngs of people, effectively becoming lost from the view of the others. C.J. and Toby both looked to Josh to see if he could spread any light on the situation; maybe something that he wouldn't have been able to mention in front of Sam. All he could do, though, was shrug.  
  
X X X  
  
Sam was feeling overwhelmed. So much so that he felt the need to get out of the room where all the people were crowded and constantly moving. For the first time in his life he felt claustrophobic, he felt light-headed from the movement and the bustle and a pressure was building up in his chest. The only way he could see of relieving the pressure would be to find a quiet corner in a nice cool hallway where he could get his head together and get some fresh air.  
  
As he escaped the confines of the room he started to feel the pressure begin to lift a little. He decided he would go to the men's room and splash a little water on his face but on his way he felt his stomach become unsettled, he increased his pace and his arrival at the men's room could not come too soon. He ran into the stalls as the dry heaves started to come. He was grateful that he had not had anything to eat for a while. He bent down over the toilet bowl and all the pressure that had been lurking beneath the surface since their consultation with the doctor began to release itself. Sam was so intensely occupied that he did not here the door open, nor the footsteps as they headed across the tiled floor to see who was being so violently ill.  
  
"Sam?" Sam still didn't register the other person, who stepped from where they had observed Sam and ran a towel under the faucet. He then went up behind him and placed a hand on his back and started rubbing in rhythmic circles. "Sam? What's wrong? You sick? Take it easy there." The litany of comforting words continued as Sam felt the constricted breaths subside, then he felt the damp towel that was gently being applied to his face.  
  
Sam turned around and for the first time saw who his Florence Nightingale was.  
  
"Toby?" he managed, the bile leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. He still felt light-headed, the sensation disorientating him.  
  
"How are you doing?"  
  
"I'm fine."  
  
"Sam." Toby warned.  
  
"Toby. I'm sorry, can I just... can I just sit down for a moment, please." Toby helped Sam down to the floor and propped him up against the wall of the stall.  
  
"What was that about Sam?"  
  
"It was nothing. I'm fine."  
  
"What was it about?" Sam opened his mouth to reply. "Sam, if you're about to say that you're fine, I'm not going to be impressed."  
  
"I'm sorry. You shouldn't have seen that."  
  
"Well, I did, so why not tell me what it was all about?"  
  
"I'd really like to do that, Toby, I would, but it's not something I can talk about right now."  
  
"If you're sick, you should go home."  
  
"I'm not sick."  
  
"After that little performance I think you should go home anyway. I don't think it would make a good impression if you collapsed, or threw up, or something at the feet of the wife of the French President. All our good work on the toast, our moves toward strengthening an alliance that has, in the past, been unstable to say the least, would be compromised in one fell swoop."  
  
"I'm meant to be driving Josh home. He wanted to drink tonight, that's why I gave him a lift in."  
  
"Sam, if Josh has anything stronger than a glass of mineral water he's drunk and he'll just pass out in his office. Besides, even if he wants to go home he can get a cab."  
  
"But..."  
  
"Sam, screw it. Forget Josh, go home and get some rest. Also, I don't expect you in first thing in the morning tomorrow. Take the time and feel better."  
  
"Thank you, Toby." Sam smiled gratefully. Then Toby considered as an afterthought.  
  
"Are you going to be able to drive yourself home?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Do you wanna go sit down somewhere to get your head together?"  
  
"Thanks. That would be good." Then it occurred to Sam. "What are you going to tell everyone?"  
  
"I'll tell them that you're sick."  
  
"Toby..."  
  
"Take it or leave it Sam. You either let me tell them that you're feeling under the weather or I give them graphic details of those few minutes we've just experienced together."  
  
"The first one is good."  
  
"I thought so." Toby looked proud of himself. "Look, I'll take you to my office, I'll leave you there by yourself; no one will disturb you. Then, when you feel up to it, you can take yourself home. I'll pick up my cell phone too, if you want me or you decide that you want a lift home, call me and I'll take you."  
  
"Thank you, Toby." Sam let Toby help him up and lead him down the corridor; the shortness of breath induced from his sickness had made him very tired, so much so that he did not object when Toby put a hand on his back and gently guided him down the hallways, it also helped control the dizzying affect of his disorientation.  
  
Once Sam had settled on his sofa, Toby prepared to leave.  
  
"Is there anything else you want?"  
  
"No. I'm good. Thanks."  
  
"Fine. Don't come in tomorrow unless you're up to it. We've not got much on."  
  
"O.K." Toby nodded to himself as his mental checklist of questions and things to tell Sam had been completed and he left his deputy in his office sitting quietly. He closed the door softly behind him and Sam was alone with his thoughts.  
  
For his part, Sam was adamant that he was going to get himself round to Alex's and although he appreciated the offer and Toby's unusually overt shows of concern, he was going to do it alone. This was not the sort of thing he needed to concern the others with; they all had their own problems and concerns, they did not need to be burdened with all the things that were going through his head too. Furthermore, he saw no way in which them knowing would be beneficial to anyone; there was nothing any of them could do, plus they would probably think that he was overreacting, after all, he was not the one who was dying.  
  
Sam supposed one good thing had come from Toby finding him in the men's room once he had overcome the embarrassment of the whole situation: it meant that he could get back to Alex sooner than he had intended without worrying that it would appear that he was ducking out of his obligations at the White House.  
  
After five minutes of sitting there, Sam decided that it was now or never and dragged himself up and out to his car, forcing himself to concentrate as he drove around to Alexandra's apartment.  
  
X X X  
  
Josh was flying about the ballroom, dodging the tuxedoed and gowned guests. He had lost sight of Sam and wanted to make sure that he was still O.K. to give him a lift home. Not able to spy Sam, he spotted Toby forcing his way across the floor.  
  
"Toby!" Josh called, waving his hands emphatically to get the Director of Communications' attention. "Toby!" Seeing Josh, Toby changed his course of direction and headed over to him. "Toby, have you seen Sam?"  
  
"He's gone home."  
  
"He's gone?"  
  
"Yeah, a few minutes ago."  
  
"Oh come on! He was meant to be giving me a lift."  
  
"Josh." Toby warned.  
  
"He just took off without telling anyone?"  
  
"He didn't just 'take off'; he told me."  
  
"He went just like that?" Josh looked flummoxed. He couldn't believe Sam had just had the audacity to leave him, he couldn't help but feel persecuted.  
  
"He's sick, Josh. He wasn't feeling well, so he went home."  
  
"He's O.K. though, right. I mean, you've seen how he's been lately."  
  
"Yeah. I think he's fine. Hopefully he'll be better after a good night's sleep."  
  
"Yeah." Toby could see Josh processing the information he had been given and Toby could tell he was contemplating going straight off to call Sam.  
  
"Leave him be, Josh." Joshua did not look entirely convinced however the look he received from Toby dissuaded him from taking any action.  
  
X X X  
  
**3rd-4th September**  
  
When Sam got back to Alexandra's apartment there was no sign of her.  
  
"Lexie?" He called. "Lex?" He went over to her bedroom and pushed the door open gently and saw her asleep in the bed. Not wanting to begrudge her any precious rest, Sam decided that he would spend the night on the sofa, not that he saw getting off to sleep as even a possibility.  
  
He spent a restless night flicking between CNN, under-whelmed with the golf feature that had been on for far too long and picking up and putting down books. In between he watched late night re-runs of 'Columbo', 'Murder She Wrote', 'Diagnosis Murder' and 'Ironside'. None of them exactly programmes Sam would have watched if he had had much choice, but it was preferable to sitting with only his tumultuous thoughts for company. He fidgeted the night long and was granted no respite through sleep, which was elusive to say the least.  
  
At 7am, during what had seemed like his fifteenth consecutive episode of 'Diagnosis Murder', though it was in fact only the second, Sam was interrupted by Alexandra coming out of the bedroom and into the kitchen. It came as something of a relief to Sam as he had become adamant that if the little blond doctor had a mild concussion once more, he would do his best to ensure that he most certainly did; method acting on an extreme level!  
  
"Morning." She said. "What time did you get in last night?"  
  
"I didn't really notice." Sam lied.  
  
"Sorry I was in bed. I was tired, I needed to sleep."  
  
"Sure."  
  
"How did the thing go last night? Your toast was good?"  
  
"Yeah. It was fine. It went..." Sam waved his hand dismissively; he was hanged if he was going to admit that Toby had sent him home after his display in the men's room before the President had given the toast. Just as his friends at work would not want to hear about his problems, it was not fair that he burden Alex with such things either.  
  
"Do you want some breakfast?"  
  
"No, I'm good. I had something a little earlier." Sam lied. He couldn't face eating yet, not until after their visit to the doctor's office.  
  
"O.K." Alex got herself a bowl of cereal and a glass of juice, which she quickly ate; then she went to get ready.  
  
X X X  
  
They were sitting in the doctor's office once more, the same configuration as on the previous occasion.  
  
"...Now, to talk to you about treatment." Alex nodded. "You've had a chance to look at the pamphlets, I hope."  
  
"Yeah." Alex said.  
  
"Good, good. Now to talk about contingency plans; any questions you may have, feel free to ask as we go along. Do you have anything before we start?" Sam stared straight ahead stoically, shaking his head, Alex, far more aloof today than she was the day before said:  
  
"Actually, I do." Schumann shifted his attention so he was looking directly at Alexandra. "I was thinking last night; I don't want treatment." Dr. Schumann nodded. Sam's eyes widened, almost to the point where it looked as if it would not be unlikely for them to pop out of his head.  
  
"Excuse me?" He said.  
  
"I can't go through that again."  
  
"What again?" Sam asked, confused. "I don't understand."  
  
"Sam, the specialist I went to see and who did the tests was my oncologist. He explained what he thought could have happened and warned me that this could be a relapse."  
  
"A relapse?" Sam was confused, his head was spinning. This at least went some way to explaining how calm Alexandra had been.  
  
"When I was younger the doctors found a malignant tumour near my spine, they managed to operate and remove it and after a lot of aggressive treatment I went into remission. My oncologist did say that this ALL could have been caused by that radiotherapy. It could have caused the mutation of the healthy cells that have continued to mutate over the years..."  
  
"Till today." Sam finished.  
  
"Till today." Dr. Schumann watched quietly as the couple talked to each other. "I read the things but I know the side effects. It may give me a couple extra months, but the extra months the treatment gives me won't actually constitute any more time because I'll feel lousy the whole way. It just means I'll have months feeling bad for no longer time feeling good at the end. It's not worth it and it's not worth wasting resources on me when they won't do any good."  
  
"You can't mean that!" Sam protested.  
  
"I can't go through it all again, Sam. You have to understand that. I don't have the energy this time. I was sixteen before, I wanted to live, now...I'd rather enjoy the time I have left, no matter how long or short. I don't want to go through all of that again." Dr. Schumann nodded. It was almost as if the news didn't come as a surprise to him, Sam thought, which of course, it wouldn't, he had seen her medical records, after all.  
  
"Surely you can't be behind this?" Sam's ire flashed toward the doctor. "There's always hope. There are always new things to try."  
  
"I think it's very brave. I also think it could be the right thing in this case. Any time you get at the other end of treatment will be countered by the side effects of the treatment period. Hope of remission would almost come beyond the scope of a miracle. I don't want to sway anyone's opinion, but I think it is what I would do." Sam couldn't believe it. He was about to start shouting about the Hippocratic Oath and the Patient's Bill of Rights, even wanting to dredge up some of the things he had seen on TV: ER, Chicago Hope, (Diagnosis Murder!!) but was unable to get his mouth and brain to co-ordinate and construct such arguments.  
  
"I've already written my letter of resignation. I went to post it on my way in."  
  
_That's where she disappeared to on the way,_ Sam thought. _I can't believe she didn't tell me. _As such, Sam spent the remainder of the meeting in indignant silence.  
  
"About your regimen; you'll need to take vitamin and mineral supplements, to boost your immune system, I'd also feel happier if you took regular iron supplements too, to combat anaemia. You're going to have to be careful because you will be very susceptible to anything contagious and at the first sign of any symptoms of anything, you must come back to me straight away..."  
  
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I didn't tell you about my past because it is all in the past." Alexandra said. "I was afraid you'd try and change my mind."  
  
"I would have."  
  
They sat in silence as Sam drove them back.  
  
"Lex, just so you know, I'll stand by you. I may not agree with your decision but I'll stand by you and respect your choice."  
  
"Thank you." Alexandra looked out of the passenger side window, while Sam concentrated on the road ahead. "When do you need to be in at work? Didn't Toby get mad when you told him that you'd be late in?"  
  
"It's fine. There's not much on." He thought for a moment. "I could call in sick if you want. So that we can spend some time together."  
  
"No. You should go in. We wouldn't want the country falling down around our ears while you're enjoying a day off with me."  
  
"How do you do it?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Be so damn philosophical. If that was me I'd be fighting tooth and nail. I'd want for every kind of treatment possible, more than anything I'd want a cure."  
  
"I've done that before Sam but this time you have to accept I can't; that there isn't. I want you to understand. You've heard everything the doctor had to say, you heard what I had to say...let's be realistic. We'll make the most of the time we have left together."  
  
"Fine." Sam sounded testy. "One thing, though."  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"Will you move in with me? Into my apartment? I want us to be together. It's just that my apartment's bigger, it's nearer the hospital, the doctors, the White House. We could move you in tonight."  
  
"Yeah. That means I can sell my apartment and tidy up my affairs ready."  
  
"Yeah." That was not the response that Sam had been expecting and facing the reality of death frightened him beyond belief.  
  
"It's ironic really," she murmured, "the very thing that saved my life the last time is actually going to kill me." 


	5. There's Always Tomorrow

**Rainbow's End: 'There's Always Tomorrow' 5/11  
  
THERE'S ALWAYS TOMORROW**

"Go ahead. Do it."  
  
"Oui, Mr. President. Merci."

_

* * *

_

_Why can't we stay as little children?   
Why must we put away our toys?   
Our parents don't have the adventures   
That we do as girls and boys.   
Those grown-ups look so solemn   
I know that grown-ups have to work and worry   
I s'pose one day I'll have to grow up   
But I'm not in any hurry   
No I'm not in any hurry   
All the while I can say:  
  
There's always tomorrow   
There's probably soon   
There's maybe or sometime   
Someday or some year   
Or in a blue moon  
  
And wait for that moment   
So full of perhapses   
As each day elapses   
There's always tomorrow  
  
Why should I ever give up flying?   
Who says I have to be a man?   
That may be fine for other children   
But it's not for Peter Pan   
As long as there are stars to guide me   
And while the sun still shines like gold   
Away in Never Land you'll find me   
And I won't be growing old  
  
There's always tomorrow   
There's probably soon   
There's maybe or sometime   
Someday or some year   
Or in a blue moon  
  
I'll wait for that moment   
So full of surprises   
As each new dawn rises   
There's always tomorrow   
As each new dawn rises   
There's always tomorrow  
  
('There's Always Tomorrow' from Peter Pan the musical by Anthony Drewe & George Stiles. Transcribed from JoJo de la Cerna: Trust The Wind)._

But there isn't always tomorrow. Sam had to face reality, he had to leave Never Land; he had to give up flying.  
  
The happiness he knew had come crashing down around him.  
  
X X X  
  
**4th September  
**  
Sam dropped Alexandra off at her apartment so she could pack up a few things to take round to Sam's when she moved in that evening. The plan was that as soon as Sam was done at the White House, he would go back to Lexa's place, pick up her and the things she needed and take them over to his apartment. They would deal with the rest of the stuff over the weekend.  
  
Sam walked into the White House looking older than his years. He was tired; he was hungry but didn't want to risk eating as his stomach still felt unsettled from the previous night; his eyelids were heavy and the red rims around his eyes showed how tired he really was.  
  
The White House however, is a solemn place where solemn work is done and where personal problems need to stay at the water's edge. He walked through the halls to his office and flopped down onto his desk chair, swinging his briefcase up onto the desk in front of him. He had been sitting there a moment when he heard the familiar thump, thump of Toby's stress ball on the partition between their offices.  
  
He hoisted himself to his feet and forced one leg in front of the other to get himself into his boss's office.  
  
"Toby?"  
  
"Well you don't look any better than you did last night." Toby said plaintively fiddling with the small, pink ball that he was now holding securely in his hand.  
  
"What did you want?" Sam asked wearily.  
  
"I wanted to see how you were. Now I have my answer." Toby threw the ball against the wall a couple more times for good measure.  
  
"What are we working on?"  
  
"Not a lot. I spent the morning pushing pieces of paper from one side of my desk to the other." Toby's attempt at humour were lost on Sam. He stood with his hands folded, rather defensively, Toby thought, not the usual posture associated with Sam Seaborn.  
  
"Did Josh get home O.K. last night?"  
  
"He ended up in his office. Donna found him asleep in there first thing this morning." Sam smiled. That did not surprise him. "I offered to take him home but the wine with the fish course really seemed to be too much for him and he decided to stay in his office." Josh and his delicate system! "Never mind Josh. Did you get home O.K. last night?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"And you slept? Actually, don't even answer that, I can see for myself. What's wrong with you?"  
  
"Nothing's wrong with me." Toby looked sceptical, leaning back in his seat to further appraise his Deputy.  
  
"Is everything all right at home, then?"  
  
"Yeah. Lexa's moving in."  
  
"That's nice. What made the two of you suddenly decide to seize the opportu..."  
  
"Fellas, Oval, now." Ginger threw at the two men through the open door, almost with the velocity of one of Toby's stress balls.  
  
Toby and Sam exchanged glances and rose to their feet immediately. They set off at a brisk pace, Sam stumbling over Toby's coffee table on the way. Toby wanted to say something but decided that it would be more prudent to save the conversation for later.

They filled the seats in the Oval Office.  
  
"We've just received a report from our Ambassador to the Federated States of Micronesia. There have been reports of explosions coming from just outside the Panahpe region. Intelligence has led us to believe that there are nuclear weapons being tested out there. There has also been concern about the area just to the south of Hawaii."  
  
"Whose?" Toby asked. The President looked to Leo for his answer.  
  
"France."  
  
"We didn't see this coming?" Josh asked.  
  
"They were just here for a State Dinner." Said C.J.  
  
"Stop them, Sir." Ziegler said plainly.  
  
"Concerned about the Manta Rays, Toby?"  
  
"No Sir. We played host to these people last night. They were our guests at a State Dinner, now they're biting the hand that feeds them? We should not stand for it."  
  
"Toby, Sam, I want a statement for the Press. C.J. field all questions for the moment; we only have unconfirmed reports, we're looking for accuracy and once established we're looking for source. Josh, I want you to sit in the meeting that Leo and I are about to have with Monsieur Delacroix. Go do it!"  
  
There were choruses of "Yes Sir." and "Yes Mr. President." as the Staff dissipated to see to their assigned duties.  
  
Josh, Leo and President Bartlet spent the afternoon in an intense meeting with the French President which simply brought to the fore denial after denial and pleas of ignorance to boot. They were getting nowhere.  
  
Sam and Toby's statement waited for firm facts, C.J. fielded enquiries from all the reporters she saw, some of whom had made a special trip to her office in the hopes of an exclusive as part of the intense competition to be the first person to be told something substantive.  
  
At 10.00pm Delacroix's defences were finally penetrated. He admitted that France were testing their nuclear arsenal in the South Pacific, but still denied vehemently any knowledge that this was all happening within the direct vicinity of the Federated States of Micronesia or any other populated area.  
  
The statement Sam and Toby was writing was not completed until just after midnight and C.J. decided that she would add the information to an early morning briefing the next day. Neither she nor the Press Corps wanted to spend any more time than they absolutely had to waiting around the White House. In the same vein all of the White House Communications staffers had left, with the exception of Ginger, who had remained to offer secretarial support and more, ensuring that both Sam and Toby had everything they needed, be it copious amounts of caffeine or more legal pads to accommodate Toby's pen, furiously scratching and scribbling  
  
As they had written the statement, Sam had worked his way further and further into his own head. Toby could tell that he was having a difficult time concentrating and he could tell that the young man was worn just by looking at him, leaving Toby to do the lion's share of the work. Now wasn't the time however. Toby had to push the concern he felt for his pale and drawn Deputy out of his head, he had an important statement to write, with which he was getting very little assistance.  
  
X X X  
  
When they were done for the night (or the early morning, as it now was), Sam made his way around to Alex's apartment. He got there to find the lights on and her sitting on the sofa. It was obvious she had been waiting up for him.  
  
"I'm sorry I'm late. We had a thing come up today; we had to write a statement for the President."  
  
"I figured as much. I saw the news, I heard C.J. wouldn't offer any comment. It's O.K. I know that you're busy and I know the hours you work; it's a pretty tough job you do."  
  
"Thank you. That you can understand is...novel, to be sure. Most women...well, you're TV not most women." He noticed that she had been sitting on the sofa watching. He sat down beside her and put his arm around her, pulling her to him. "What are you watching?"  
  
"Just the end of a film."  
  
"What film?" Sam asked as he shifted himself into a position that afforded him a clear view of the television.  
  
"'Death Becomes Her'!" she said, a sardonic smile touching the corners of her lips.  
  
"That's a macabre sense of humour you got. I don't think it becomes you. Straight up, what are you watching?"  
  
"'Kate and Leopold'. I'm wishing that some debonair guy will come along and sweep me off my feet."  
  
"I wouldn't hold your breath." Sam said.  
  
"That's funny, though. I always, pictured you as the Leopold type. But do you know what really is uncanny: the character J.J. He reminds me so much of Josh. I mean the ego, the mouth that gets him into trouble, the way he plays with his food..."  
  
"That really bugged you when he came around for dinner, didn't it?"  
  
"It really did. I wanted to take the fork from him and just stuff it in his mouth." J.J. came up on the screen again.  
  
"He really is like Josh, isn't he?" Alex nodded. "I mean they even look a little bit alike. It's late, or early, depending on how you want to look at it, maybe I could take your stuff over to my place first thing in the morning before I go to work."  
  
"We could go now if you wanted to. Well, after the film. If you're not too tired." Sam was tired but he was not going admit that.  
  
"That sounds great." Sam smiled. "Have I got time to grab a quick shower and something to eat?"  
  
"Sure. What did you want to eat?"  
  
"Some potato chips will be fine."  
  
"Are you sure that you don't want anything more? That's really not very much and if you've been busy at work I know you won't have got anything there."  
  
"Potato chips will be fine." Sam reiterated. "That and a cup of coffee, who could ask for anything more?"  
  
"I'll get them while you take your shower."  
  
"You sit there and watch the end of your film."  
  
Sam took himself off to the bathroom and when he was safely out of the way, Lexa went into the kitchen and put on the coffee maker and also opened the fridge and rummaged out the ingredients for a chicken salad sandwich. She filled thick slices of bread with a variety of salad leaves, tomato, cucumber, watercress and of course chicken then she sliced it into more manageable pieces and put them onto a plate with a selection of potato chips arranged around the edge. When she was done she took them through to the sitting room and put them on the coffee table where they waited for Sam to finish his shower.  
  
He emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later, freshly showered and dressed in a pair of grey sweatpants and the Princeton sweatshirt he had worn when they had been out for their picnic. He was about to walk to the kitchen when he caught sight of the plate on the table.  
  
"I made you a sandwich."  
  
"You didn't have to do that, Lex. I told you, just some chips would've been fine."  
  
"And I didn't believe you so I made you a sandwich."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
Sam ate the sandwich as the pair of them kept an eye on the television. The programme that was on disturbed Sam.  
  
"You know, they showed like fifteen episodes of this last night and all that guy did was moan that he had a mild concussion."  
  
"He's going up in the world, then. Today he has small pox."  
  
"Well that doesn't sound good."  
  
Although they would not confess to it under torture, they actually both got quite into the programme, so much so that they stayed to watch the next episode but the little blond buy being abducted by aliens really pushed them over the edge and they decided that the big move would begin then and there.  
  
What first appeared to be a simple job actually took three trips to move all the cartons of stuff from one place to the other, finally finishing at 6.30 in the morning, just in time for Sam to shower again and get dressed for work.  
  
"You going to be O.K. here by yourself all day?"  
  
"I'll be fine, Sam. I have plenty of stuff to keep me busy. I've got all these cartons to unpack for a start."  
  
"You should take it easy. Get some sleep."  
  
"I may do that, too."  
  
"You just make sure you do."  
  
"You make sure you take it easy today." She could see that Sam looked tired. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have made you move the stuff last night."  
  
"You didn't make me move all the stuff last night. I said we'd do it when I got in from work, and we did."  
  
"Yeah. But you weren't counting on being so late home."  
  
"I wasn't, but it's done now. You're here."  
  
"I am." She took a quick glance at the clock on Sam's wall. "You really should be going Sam, you'll be late."  
  
"Yeah." He bent down and kissed her on the top of her head. She snagged his hand as he was about to leave.  
  
"Sam?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"If you want to talk to Josh or Toby or C.J., that's O.K. If you can't talk to me."  
  
"Er yeah." This made Sam feel very uncomfortable and he headed for the door at a pace near to a sprint. He was not comfortable even thinking to himself about his girlfriend dying nor talking about it to her, let alone mentioning it to any of the others.  
  
**5th September**  
  
All the sleepless nights Sam had had lately looked to have taken their toll on him. He had not had a full night's sleep since Alexandra had started to feel ill. He had been playing nursemaid through the night while juggling it with his very demanding day job.  
  
He was a few minutes late in that morning and had to go straight to staff. He got accosted on the way by Josh, who insisted Sam left his coat and briefcase in his office and that he go straight to Staff with him.  
  
"So, we didn't get the chance to talk yesterday."  
  
"We did not." Sam headed off quickly but Josh took long strides to keep up with him as they traversed the hallways of the West Wing.  
  
"You were sick the other night?"  
  
"I was a little off colour, that's all."  
  
"Perhaps you have what Lex has. How's she doing now? Is whatever it is starting to clear up yet?"  
  
"It's not... yeah. Things are being sorted. Things are fine."  
  
"Good. You look a little tired. You've not had the chance to sleep yet, have you?"  
  
"I've had very little time. Lexie is moving in; we spent last night moving her stuff into my apartment."  
  
"You all finished now?"  
  
"Yeah, Lex is unpacking today."  
  
"She doesn't have to go into work today?"  
  
"No, she doesn't have to work today." Sam neglected to mention that she had handed in her resignation and had opted not to work out her notice period, as inconvenient and irresponsible it may seem to her employers, though who, once they had learned her reasons, became suddenly more understanding.  
  
"Well, that's handy."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
They arrived at the Oval's Outer Office.  
  
"Hey Charlie." Said Josh.  
  
"Josh. Sam; you O.K.?"  
  
"Yeah. Thanks."  
  
"You can't go in there for a minute. He's just finishing up a meeting then you'll be able to go on in."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
C.J. and Toby arrived in the Outer Office together, too, deep in conversation.  
  
"Samuel, Joshua." Said C.J. Toby grumbled some kind of greeting that was met with a similar response from Sam.  
  
"Hey!" Josh said.  
  
"What's wrong, Spanky?"  
  
"Why does everyone assume that there is something wrong?" Sam snapped.  
  
"I wonder, Sam, if your attitude there could be a giveaway."  
  
"That and the fact that you look like death warmed over." Added Toby helpfully, not one to waste time on niceties.  
  
"Really guys, it's not that I don't appreciate your concern, it's just that there's nothing wrong."  
  
Before anyone had a chance to argue with what was a blatant lie, there was a mass exodus from the Oval Office consisting of Lord John Marbury, who had somehow become an overall authority and advisor to the American President on nuclear weapons, Delacroix and a handpicked selection of his aides.  
  
"You can all go in now." Said Charlie and the Staff complied, filing into the Oval Office and seating themselves around the room.  
  
There was the usual round of greetings then straight into business.  
  
"The French President is still playing dumb, though if you ask me he really doesn't have to try very hard. It is happening, we know that, we have reports, CNN has reports, it's pretty conclusive. You're all going to be hearing a lot about this today, directly or indirectly. Josh, go up to the hill and talk to some senators, they're from the Hawaii and a couple from Pacific coasts and are worried about any subsidiary effects for them should the fall out reach that far. Sam, we've arranged for you to take meetings with some environmental groups, they're screaming blue murder, we just thought it may calm them down a little if someone listens to their concerns; you never know, you may even be able to do something to allay them. Toby, if you could co-ordinate the updates from the meetings between your office and C.J.'s office. C.J., there'll be a slow leak to the press. Nothing gets confirmed to them until you get the nod from Toby and he has the heads up from Leo and me. Are we clear?"  
  
Everyone nodded.  
  
"Good. Let's move on."  
  
Thus they were dismissed from the Oval Office.  
  
"Sam, Ginger told me that she put the schedule of the meetings on your desk." Toby said as he walked alongside Sam. "You've got some time to go do some prep. and if there's anything you need to talk to me about before you start, then I'm in my office." The hint did not escape Sam's notice. He walked on ahead of the others to call into Josh's office to pick up his stuff, before going to his own office and beginning his work for the day. Josh and C.J. followed Toby back to his office, where they hoped they would be able to have a brief word before Sam arrived.  
  
"Do you know what's wrong with him, Josh?"  
  
"I think he's just tired. Lexa's moving in with him and they spent last night moving stuff from her place to his, so I doubt he got any sleep then, given the time we all got away. I also know she's been sick lately with a thing that seems to have stuck in for the long haul, it's kept him busy playing nursemaid, but he told me this morning that that's all sorted now." C.J. turned to Toby.  
  
"Has he said anything to you, Toby?" They had now made it to Toby's office. Toby placed himself so he was leaning against his desk while the Press Secretary and the Deputy Chief of Staff stood facing him.  
  
"He has not." Toby averted his eyes from C.J.'s steady gaze but the only thing it did was heighten the woman's suspicion.  
  
"Toby?"  
  
"He hasn't said anything to me...as such."  
  
"Tobias." C.J. raised an eyebrow in Toby's direction.  
  
"He didn't say anything so much as I found him throwing up in the men's room."  
  
"When?"  
  
"Night of the State Dinner."  
  
"Toby!" both Josh and C.J. exclaimed simultaneously.  
  
"Why the hell didn't you say anything?" demanded Josh.  
  
"He didn't want me to."  
  
"You should have told us!"  
  
"I wanted to respect what Sam wanted."  
  
"Since when do you care whether you're popular or not. It would've killed you to tell us?"  
  
"Sam didn't want you to know." Toby defended himself, wholly convinced that his decision had been the right one at the time, under the current circumstances, however, the shift in climate opened the door for him to tell them.  
  
"Why was he sick?" C.J. asked.  
  
"I don't know, C.J., do I look like a doctor?" C.J. fixed him with a glare and his obvious discomfort meant that he altered his answer: "I couldn't get him to tell me." His honest reply and the worry he felt were evident from his face, C.J. softened her glare.  
  
"When you said he was sick I didn't actually think you meant that he was sick." Josh said with his not uncommon form of illogical logic.  
  
"That's why he went home early?"  
  
"Yes. I sent him home, also why he was late in the next day. I told him there was no need to rush in first thing."  
  
"And very benevolent of you it was too, Toby." Came Sam's voice from the doorway.  
  
C.J. and Josh turned around quickly.  
  
"How long have you been there?" asked Josh.  
  
"Long enough." Sam was leaning on the door frame with his arms folded in front of his chest, half-amused, half-annoyed that his colleagues felt so able to openly discuss his private business.  
  
"You do know, Spanky, that if there's something wrong you can tell us."  
  
"We're your friends." Added Josh. "We'd like to help if we can."  
  
"Guys, there's really nothing you can do. There's nothing anyone can do or say that will make things better. There is nothing anyone can do at all."  
  
"Try us. We can be very resourceful when we put our minds to it." Josh said as C.J. nodded confirmation, the pair of them latching onto Sam's forthright admittance that there was a problem.  
  
"Really, it's nothing." Sam turned to walk away.  
  
"Sam!" Toby bellowed. Sam froze and turned around to face the assembled group.  
  
"Yes." He said quietly.  
  
"Sit down on the couch." Sam obeyed the instruction.  
  
"Talk." Toby ordered hoping that it would have the same effect as his other instruction to his Deputy.  
  
"It's not me, I'm fine. Really." Sam affirmed, though the look on his face was particularly recalcitrant and to the other three members of the Senior Staff present, he looked for all the world like a petulant child.  
  
"Oh come on Sam! Pull the other one, it plays 'The Internet Is For Porn'" Toby shot Josh a sideways glance, "What?" he defended his hands out in front of him, "It's a song, it comes from Avenue Q..."  
  
"If it's not you, who?" asked C.J. gently, diverting the attention of the two men back to Sam.  
  
"It's Alex."  
  
"I knew it!" Josh exclaimed triumphantly, only shutting up when he received a glare from C.J. and Toby.  
  
"She's sick."  
  
"We know, Spanky. Josh said."  
  
"No. I mean she's _really_ sick."  
  
"With what?" Toby was the only one who could ask the question, the other two seemed stunned; too busy running possible scenarios through their heads.  
  
"She has Acute Lymphocytic Leukaemia. ALL."  
  
"Oh Sam, I'm so sorry." Said C.J.  
  
"It's not me that's sick."  
  
"What therapy's she having?" asked Josh. "My Dad hated his."  
  
"She's not."  
  
"What?" Josh asked, not sure whether he'd grasped the right end of the stick.  
  
"She's not having treatment." C.J.'s mouth fell open.  
  
"Why?" Josh asked. "Excuse me for saying Sam, but that's really dumb. I mean, cancers are so curable these days." Toby guessed there was something more.  
  
"The prognosis is very poor Josh, it's a consequence of radiotherapy she received when she was younger, she's had cancer before and she knows what the treatment is, she knows what it means and she doesn't want to go through that again, she hasn't got long left and she doesn't want to waste the time she does have by having treatment and not feeling up to enjoying her little remaining time. I don't think that sentence was anywhere near making sense." Sam groaned.  
  
"Can't you change her mind? There's always hope. New treatment..."  
  
"She made up her mind herself while I was out. When she said that it came as a big surprise to me too. I wanted her to take it back, I wanted her to have the treatment. I didn't know that she's already been through this once. Now I see she wants to be pragmatic. I'm supporting her decision, God knows it can't have been an easy one to make." There was silence for a moment.  
  
"I'm sorry. I have a meeting. I've gotta go." Josh was the first to bail. He couldn't stay in the room any longer. It made him think of his father, how a good man suffered with a disease over which he had no control, _at least he was older,_ Josh conceded. _He had lived his life, had the chance to have children...Children!_ The thought of people dying young also reminded him of his sister and then there was his own near death experience. _So much wasted potential. It wasn't fair. Bad things happed to good people and nothing could be done about that._  
  
C.J. thought it would be best if she left too, giving Sam some space to talk to Toby and if that succeeded in releasing even the smallest modicum of the pressure that she knew must be inside of him, then it was a good thing.  
  
"Excuse me. I really ought to go brief the press." She excused herself and followed Josh out of the door closing it behind her quietly with a soft click.  
  
"Why do you think he was sick at the State Dinner, seen as he is insisting so adamantly that he is all right?"  
  
"I think it was probably a combination of shock and pressure, if he knew by then."  
  
"He must've done, C.J. Crap! All I could think about was that he give me a lift home."  
  
"You think that was why his driving was off too?"  
  
"It's the only reason I can think of."  
  
X X X  
  
"Sam, stay here a minute." Toby instructed quietly, as he saw Sam was about to vacate his spot on Toby's couch.  
  
"Toby?"  
  
"When did you hear the diagnosis?"  
  
"The day of the State Dinner."  
  
"Why the hell did you come? We would have understood; especially if you'd told us all. Dammit! I didn't even know that Alex hadn't been well."  
  
"It's not the sort of thing you actually feel that comfortable talking about, Toby."  
  
"I know. I'm sorry. I don't expect this is easy for you."  
  
"Not so much, no."  
  
"Why were you sick the other night?"  
  
"I was worried, I guess. I had just heard the news that the woman I love is going to die. I think the pressure and the fact that I've not been sleeping too well lately and everything just suddenly got to me. There was such a strong pressure in my chest the only way I could get rid of it was being sick." Sam looked embarrassed. "I really am sorry that you had to see that, you know."  
  
"I know that, and you really needn't apologise. I understand."  
  
"How could you possibly...?"  
  
"Not long after we got married, Andi found a lump." Toby cleared his throat and ran his hand over his bald head nervously. "On her breast. Waiting for the test results was hellish. It turned out to be nothing but it could have been something. I'd expected the worst, as I would. I have never known such intense worry and emotion as I felt then." Sam nodded quietly.  
  
"She went through all the tests by herself. She didn't call me to go with her. I should have been there."  
  
"Do you want some time today, Sam?"  
  
"No. We're busy and I have some green meetings, remember?"  
  
"Yeah. You know, if you want any time, come talk to me and I'll see what we can arrange."  
  
"Thank you Toby, that's very generous, but..."  
  
"I mean it Sam. If you need time off to take her to a doctor's appointment, to do anything, come talk to me."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"Anything you feel you need to get off your chest before we move on?"  
  
"Nah, I think we're good."  
  
"O.K. Go get ready for your meeting with the little green men!" Sam left Toby's office. It did actually feel good to have told someone and Toby had been scarily nice about the whole thing, which was weird, but Sam wasn't going to argue.  
  
X X X  
  
Josh decided that he would call back and see Sam alone before he went off to his meetings on the hill. He tapped on Sam's open door and walked in but not before he had raised his hand to Toby to let him know he was going in. Josh also figured that knowing Toby's astute mind he would be able to work out why. Toby nodded at Josh.  
  
Sam was sitting at his desk writing frantic notes on a bit of paper that was in front of him.  
  
"Josh. What can I do for you?"  
  
"Just came by to see how you are."  
  
"You can see I'm fine."  
  
"Yeah." Josh put himself in the chair across from Sam. "You see, thing is, I need a little more detail than that." Sam could see that this had the potential to go on, so he stood up from his desk chair, walked across the room and pushed his office door to, then he returned to his seat.  
  
"What Josh?"  
  
"How're you doing?"  
  
"I'm doing fine."  
  
"You're looking after her?"  
  
"Yeah. She gets tired and she often doesn't feel well. She's putting a very brave face on things."  
  
"So are you."  
  
"I'm not doing anything."  
  
"Come on Sam. Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately? The strain of your face is plain for all to see. I know you're feeling the pressure and I know you looked fit to burst until you'd actually told someone about it." Josh now attempted to seek reaction. The idea being that it would help Sam vent everything he was feeling and Josh knew Sam well enough to tell, just by looking at him that he had yet to have the chance to do that. Josh figured that he needed to get Sam to face things, to clear his head out some and focus him. He knew that if Sam did not get some sort of relief or release soon he would go nuts. "Why didn't you tell us sooner?"  
  
"We've only just found out ourselves, Josh. It's quite a lot to adjust to in such a short space of time."  
  
"How do you feel about the fact that she made her decision without talking to you first?" Josh knew that this would hit home.  
  
"She had her reasons. It's her life, Josh, or what's left of it. I think it's only her right to choose how she lives it." The tone of Sam's voice stepped up a notch.  
  
"Still, she wants to share her last...well, she wants to share her last days with you. You must have thought you were owed some say, even if it was only so you could get your head around everything too." Josh was on a roll now. He could see that he was taking Sam nearer and nearer the edge of the precipice. "It was selfish not to include you. She didn't even tell you about her previous dealings with cancer."  
  
"She has a right to be selfish, Josh. She's going to DIE!!!" At this point Sam exploded. The lull after the blast only seemed to exacerbate the effects of the explosion. It suddenly hit home. She was going to die. His Alexandra was going to die! He felt the tears coming and the same constricting feeling he had felt after the diagnosis on the evening of the State Dinner when Toby had found him in the men's room. The tears started slowly at first, gently rolling down Sam's cheeks, then they seemed to increase in number until his face was almost awash. His breathing grew more and more ragged too. Josh stood up from his chair and walked around Sam's desk. He pulled the younger man into a tight hug.  
  
"Have you actually cried yet Sam?" Josh felt Sam shake his head as it burrowed into his shoulder. _That's why there's so much pressure. So much tension etched into the lines of his face._ Josh held Sam to him as the younger man cried. _Hey, this is like good cop, bad cop, but this time Toby's the good cop and I'm the bad cop, making Sam cry and all. _Weird! Josh felt Sam grip him tighter for support, he didn't complain, he held Sam tighter too. He rubbed his hand up and down Sam's back to comfort him.  
  
At this point he didn't care that he was going to run late. Sam needed him so he would face the consequences of Leo's wrath, whatever they may be, gladly. He would stay there with Sam locked in his arms, using him for solace, for as long as Sam wanted to stay like that. Forever if he had to.  
  
They didn't notice C.J. and Toby quietly open the door, look in and leave them to it; they were torn between smiling at the two friends and wanting to go in there and comfort the Deputy Communications Director themselves. He really did have the knack of bringing out the protective streak in even the most unlikely people.  
  
Josh shifted his weight a little but still Sam did not move; he needed something (or someone) to cling to more than anything else at the moment.  
  
X X X  
  
"Poor Sam." C.J. said. "I think he needs to cry about it though. I think his little session in there with Josh is doing him good."  
  
"It's also assuaging some of Josh's guilt."  
  
"Guilt. Why?"  
  
"Because when Sam left the State Dinner early Josh was a little more concerned about the fact that he had lost his lift home, rather than being concerned about why."  
  
"Ah."  
  
"Do you think Leo should know?"  
  
"I think Sam should tell him when he's good and ready." C.J. said firmly, surprised at the uncertainty in the usually brusque and decisive Communications Director's voice.  
  
"I think that too, but I think that Leo needs to know. I'm not even sure that Sam should be here now. You saw him a minute ago."  
  
"I did."  
  
"That's not like Sam, C.J. and if we don't keep an eye on him he's just going to keep going and going until he can possibly go no more. He won't admit if he can't cope and God knows with his stubborn thing and his idiotic pride that he won't ask for help. I think Leo needs to know even if we tell him to pretend he doesn't."  
  
"Call him." C.J. said decisively, she had decided for the two of them.  
  
"You think?"  
  
"Yes." C.J. said with only a moment's hesitation. "Yes." She said, only more decisively this time. Toby picked up his phone and put through his call to the Chief of Staff's office.  
  
"Margaret, it's Toby. Is he free?" Toby waited a moment and then began speaking again. Leo had obviously picked up the call.  
  
"Whaddaya want, Toby? Don't you have something you should be doing?"  
  
"I just need to tell you something quickly. C.J.'s with me, she agrees you need to know."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Well, we just thought that you should know, just for you information not that there's any problem or anything..."  
  
"Toby, give me the phone." C.J. demanded, taking it from the floundering speechwriter.  
  
"What is it, C.J.?"  
  
"Sam's girlfriend is sick. She has Leukaemia. They found out a couple days ago and he's only just told us. Josh is in with him now. He's trying to get him to, you know, get his head straight."  
  
"He'll be O.K.?"  
  
"I think so."  
  
"Poor kid. When does she start treatment?"  
  
"She doesn't. The prognosis is poor, it's a consequence of a cancer she had when she was younger. She's decided to waive it. She decided without talking to Sam, he didn't know. The whole thing has overwhelmed him, I think."  
  
"O.K. I'm gonna tell the President 'cos I think he needs to know before he opens his mouth and puts his foot in something he'd rather not."  
  
"O.K."  
  
"Thanks for telling me. Seriously, is he gonna be O.K. for the meetings?"  
  
"We'll keep our eye on him." C.J. assured him.  
  
"Good."  
  
"He's in with Josh?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"O.K." the phones went down.  
  
"Done?" asked Toby,  
  
"Yeah. He was pleased we told him. He's going to tell the President just to save him from saying something that could, you know..."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
X X X  
  
Sam slackened his grip on Josh, so Josh began to pull away though always ensuring that he maintained physical contact with his friend. He wanted Sam to know he was there for him; whether it was a hand on Sam's shoulder or some other comforting gesture.  
  
"You O.K. Sam?"  
  
"Yeah." He choked out. His face was red and he looked even more tired, while at the same time he looked a little more at peace. Josh reached for the box of Kleenex that was on Sam's desk and offered it to his friend. Sam nodded his gratitude as he took a couple out of the box and used them to blow his nose and wipe his face.  
  
"Do you want a glass of water? It might help."  
  
"No. Thank you. I ought to get to my meeting."  
  
"The little green men?"  
  
"Have you been talking to Toby?" Sam asked.  
  
"Nah." Josh grinned.  
  
"It seemed kind of surreal, you know. Being told that. And we were so happy when we first started seeing each other."  
  
"You want to leave her?"  
  
"No. Definitely not, no. It was just...before we were young and in love, we didn't have to worry about anything and now things have changed. The past couple weeks since Lex got sick, we had to grow up. There was always tomorrow and we had a simple love that had no complications. Now things have changed, I feel older; I feel like my parents and I'm not sure I like it. We had the best summer together; the 4th of July was something I'll never forget; things were so simple then. I thought we'd have time to grow up together when we were ready, not now. Not because we had no other choice...Sorry, Josh. I gotta get on."  
  
"You sure you're gonna be O.K.?"  
  
"I'll be fine Josh. I need to get these meetings done." Sam stood up to leave and Josh made to follow him. Sam thought he would follow him to the Roosevelt room, but was surprised when he turned and saw Josh as he ducked into Toby's office under some pretence or another.  
  
"I've just got to check in with him about a couple of points before I go." Josh said. He put his hand onto Sam's shoulder again and gave it a friendly squeeze; "Go do good, Sam." And Sam left Josh.  
  
Josh entered Toby's office where he and C.J. were sitting talking quietly with one another.  
  
"Is he O.K.?" Toby asked.  
  
"I think it helped." Josh nodded. "He looked like he was going to throw up at one point but mercifully we didn't actually go there."  
  
"We called Leo. We thought he should know." C.J. said.  
  
"Thanks. I was gonna do that later." Josh said. "Hopefully he'll let the President know too. Sam doesn't need the President giving him the third degree on the state of his love life. He can't just answer placidly, not with something like this."  
  
"You think it helped?"  
  
"I do."  
  
"Good." Toby concluded.


	6. Upper Hand

**Rainbow's End: 'Upper Hand' 6/11  
  
UPPER HAND  
  
Tuesday 11 November 8.00am**  
  
"Thanks for letting me take the time off yesterday, Toby." Sam said as he sat in Toby's office. They sat next to each other on the couch. Sam was there to be briefed on the things he had missed the day before.  
  
"You get her home O.K.?"  
  
"Yeah. She wasn't up to much yesterday but she assures me that she will be fine by herself today. The transfusion of cells did seem to help a bit, she picked up some."  
  
"That's good."  
  
"Yeah. She catches bugs so easily now but hopefully this will help improve things, for a little while at least."  
  
"I hope so." Toby nodded.  
  
Alexandra had been ill with increasing frequency in recent days due to the inability of her immune system to cope with the demands that were put upon it. After a particularly nasty infection, Dr. Schumann had insisted that she be admitted into the hospital and given a transfusion of the blood components. Sam had taken the day before (the Monday) off, to collect her from the hospital and take care of her at home; at Toby's insistence, no less. The constant worry for Sam that had accompanied Alex's latest bouts of illness were wearing him down, his own immune system suffering because of his lack of sleep and his failure to take good care of himself.  
  
"The President's still in crisis talks with Delacroix?"  
  
"Yeah. They came up with nothing yesterday, they're at stalemate. Each time the President, Lord John Marbury, Leo, the Ambassador or the Emperor of Timbuktu says anything, Delacroix always comes back with the same "I don't know", "it's not my fault" or "someone's getting it wrong"."  
  
"Ah. Not so good then."  
  
"No." Toby paused. "The President wants to send it to the International Criminal Court in The Hague."  
  
"Just one problem there." Said Sam.  
  
"Yeah, the U.S. won't ratify. Not dissimilar to the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty."  
  
"Bet Congress really wish they'd agreed to sign that now."  
  
"I think that's a pretty sure thing. How are you doing?" Toby's sudden change of the subject took Sam a little by surprise.  
  
"Me? I'm fine."  
  
"You look a little run down yourself."  
  
"I'm sure its nothing."  
  
"Take it easy today." Toby instructed. The phone on Toby's desk started to ring.  
  
"Yeah?...O.K. We'll be there in a minute." Toby put the phone down and turned his attention to Sam. "That was Mrs. Landingham; we've being called to the Oval."  
  
"O.K."  
  
X X X  
  
"What are they saying, Mr. President?" asked Josh.  
  
"Well, I think that Leo is currently looking for a window I can throw their President through."  
  
"And when you realise that you can't actually do that, Sir?" C.J. asked.  
  
"I get Toby to do it for me."  
  
"Mr. President." Toby said.  
  
"Seriously, Sir, what do you need?" Josh asked.  
  
"Do you think it would be entirely outside the realms of possibility that Congress will ratify the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty now?"  
  
"Sir, you're not going to try to reintroduce the idea are you?"  
  
"At the moment I don't see what other choice we have C.J. We need to do something now. This situation has exceeded the duration with which I am even remotely contented; it is a threat to international military affairs and if nothing is done it will have disastrous environmental consequences, both to marine life and on our own coastline. It will bring financial problems all along the Pacific Coast. It has the potential to directly affect all the people living in the Pacific Coast vicinity, all the people in the South Pacific and the Manta Rays near Yap. Sam, talk to me about the environment. Who's going to say what?"  
  
"Green radicals aren't gonna be happy; the ecologist factions. They're the ones who could cause the most problems for us. The moderate environmentalists aren't exactly happy, but I think their outrage will be understated as long as we can convince them that the situation is salvageable in some way and will be stopped as fast as we can manage. Most of the population as a whole aren't actually gonna care unless they're from the regions liable to be affected."  
  
"I need specifics, Sam, now that things have progressed from a short term glitch to a long term problem. Get Kim Dryden here, get him to give you a full overview."  
  
"Yes, Sir."  
  
"Get to it now."  
  
"Sir." Sam left the Oval Office while the others remained seated to continue to develop a solution.  
  
"Sir, what do you plan to do; what can the green groups do that you can't?"  
  
"They have international appeal, C.J. It's a universal message and using them may mean that we can excerpt some local influence in France. While they're testing their nukes over here it really doesn't bother them and seen as Congress didn't ratify the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty its one of the best forms of political recourse we can take. Man, I really hate this whole NIMBY attitude they have." The President grumbled.  
  
"You think they'll network?" Josh asked, surprised that the thought had not occurred to him.  
  
"Sir." Toby cleared his throat, "What does Lord Marbury say?"  
  
"He's talking about sticks and carrots again, however with France there is a diminished possibility of using incentives. They do not have the same needs that we relied upon to settle the troop movement in India and Pakistan."  
  
"I'm not convinced the environmental network will be successful. YOU need to take some decisive action and stop this. I think you need to threaten them with the Test Ban Treaty, I think you need to threaten them with The Hague and UN Sanctions and when they still don't do anything, I think you should act. You should follow through on your threats."  
  
"They're a powerful country to have as an ally, Toby."  
  
"Not at the moment Sir, they're not. At the moment they are nothing more than a liability. They are doing nothing for us, they are laughing at us and mocking us and you are trying to stop them by using inconsequential green groups, carrots and sticks, a collection of thoughts that make a consequent and amusing syllogism." Toby smiled to himself under his beard. "By all means, leave Sam on it. Let him think that he's doing something that will help, it'll take the pressure from him a bit and God knows he needs that at the moment but you cannot rely on that tactic, tiptoeing around the outside to try and avoid standing on the grass; its preposterous."  
  
"Toby, we didn't sign the Treaty."  
  
"We didn't, they _did_. Other countries _did_. Get Marbury to talk to his people in Britain; they signed. Let them prosecute; let them seek international sanctions."  
  
"Its in our waters this is all happening, Toby, it's us with the problem, the French are still exempt from prosecution Toby." Leo put in. "It's like our war criminals not being subject to international law, we internalised ourselves when we wouldn't sign."  
  
"You have to use political channels Sir. You cannot appear to be faffing around." Toby persisted, adamant that political channels were the appropriate way forward. "You have to talk to Congress, get them to ratify every treaty around if you have to. You cannot allow the French to violate international laws, whether they or us are participant or not."  
  
"Toby..." The Communications Director was becoming more and more irate.  
  
"There are universal standards. There are moral absolutes. Mr. President, think of Kant's Categorical Imperative, think of Jeremy Bentham and John Stuart Mill; think of Edmund Burke." Toby stared at the President to bring home his point. The conversation he had with him when they had been considering the lame duck session to ratify the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty, over a year ago now, still fresh in his mind. "Didn't Edmund Burke say that a representative owes not just his industry but his judgement and betrays you if he sacrifices his judgement to yours? You were elected Mr. President, you were elected and I was standing ten feet from the Chief Justice when you were sworn in. For you not to act, Sir, is not just betraying yourself and your own beliefs, your party and its members. It is betraying the United States of America."  
  
"Toby..." Josh warned.  
  
"You think I should go on the offensive, Toby?" The President cut Josh off, intrigued by Toby's aggressive approach.  
  
"Yes Sir, I do." The President seemed to consider this. "I know my input on foreign policy has no legitimacy, I do not claim to be an expert, but I know politics, Mr. President, and this is a political problem."  
  
"Toby, talk to Andi."  
  
"Mr. President?"  
  
"Talk to Congresswoman Wyatt. Find out what she has to say, what her committee has to say. Get back to me by lunchtime."  
  
"Yes, Sir."  
  
"We meet back here at 12.30." The President said decisively. This was the instruction that signalled to the Senior Staff members in the room that the meeting was over and it was time to leave. Toby stayed behind momentarily and walked up to the President and Leo.  
  
"Thank you Sir."  
  
"Just make it work, Toby." The President said. Toby nodded and left the room. "Please Toby, make it work." The President added quietly afterwards, catching Leo's eye; the Chief of Staff looked grim, he too hoped it worked; they were rapidly running out of options and to further add to his frustrations, the missile defence shield was still not working.  
  
X X X  
  
_"Keep 'em jumping right on cue your clientele."   
"See that things progress as planned."   
"Make 'em lift their eyes to you"   
You taught me well   
"Gotta keep the upper hand."  
  
(Excerpt from 'The Upper Hand' from the musical 'The Fix' 1997, by John Dempsey and Dana P. Rowe).  
_  
X X X  
  
C.J. and Josh were waiting for Toby outside the Oval Office. They looked as if they were ready for confrontation, particularly Josh.  
  
"What do you think you were doing in there?"  
  
"I am a Senior Political Advisor to the President, Josh. I was advising him."  
  
"This is foreign policy, Toby. We stay out of it." C.J. admonished.  
  
"Not this time, no we don't. This has local repercussions to States on our Western Coast, to Hawaii, it was reported by our Ambassador; that makes it a domestic concern." They began walking back to the Communications Bullpen.  
  
"And you really think its wise leaving Sam to carry on with some exercise that's useless?" Josh came in again.  
  
"I only said that I THOUGHT it may be useless Josh. I don't think it would work in the context the President was hoping for, it's true but we may gain some valuable information that we can use to cajole the Congressmen who are sitting on the fence. The environmental lobby can have astronomical powers over the careers of some of them; we have to hit people where it hurts and this may be the way to do it."  
  
"Yet you said it was unimportant, that's why you wanted Sam left on it. You're not making any sense, Toby."  
  
"I'm saying we may glean something useful from it but its not going to threaten our agenda if Sam screws it up. His head's not back in the game after the weekend he's had, most of which he told me he spent at the hospital. It'll ease him in, it's something he's good at and he knows about; if this tack is going to work he's the one to do it. If nothing useful comes up we've still got fallbacks."  
  
"Is he O.K. Toby – Sam?" C.J. asked. "I didn't know that he spent the weekend at the hospital, is Alex all right? I thought that she wasn't feeling so good yesterday, which was why he didn't come in."  
  
"She had a transfusion of some blood thing." Toby said vaguely as they all walked into his office. No sooner had the Communications Director walked into his office he turned around and walked out again. "Ginger, you getting Kim Dryden for Sam?"  
  
"Yeah. He'll be down in a half hour."  
  
"Can you get Congresswoman Wyatt over here now?"  
  
"Sure, anything else?"  
  
"No. Thank you." Toby retreated back into his office and sat himself down behind his desk. Josh was sitting on the sofa nervously running his hands through his hair while C.J. was leaning against his shelving unit, perched on the edge of the sideboard that protruded beyond the width of the shelves.  
  
"Is she O.K., though, Toby? I mean, it's not...the end, is it?" C.J. asked concerned.  
  
"Not yet. I know that she's been sick a lot lately but Sam said the transfusion had helped."  
  
"Is he O.K?" C.J. questioned.  
  
"Look at him, C.J." Toby said. "Does he look O.K. to you? He's barely coping."  
  
"He says he's doing fine." Josh said.  
  
"And how many times have we known that what Sam says and what Sam actually means don't coincide?" Toby returned. "He's tired, he can't sleep for worry. He knows that the end is coming and he thinks that it won't be long..."  
  
"He told you all that?" Josh asked flabbergasted. "He's not told me anything."  
  
"He's not told me that Josh but you can tell things by looking at him and by what he says and the way he says it. If you ask him a direct question on her condition he will give you a full scientific definition of what something means but he will not personalise. He won't add feelings. You ask if someone's O.K. he tells you that everything's under control. They're sins of omission. He tries to divert listener attention; he's a speechwriter and a lawyer, Josh, he has had many opportunities to perfect his skills of obfuscation."  
  
"I never thought." Josh bowed his head.  
  
"I don't think he's been taking proper care of himself." C.J. added quietly. "I think he's living on coffee and nervous energy and any type of food as long as it can be done in no more than two minutes in a microwave or with boiling water."  
  
"Sam's the poster boy for healthy living, C.J., also nuts for dental hygiene." C.J. glared at Josh for the latter part of that comment. She did not find it in the least bit amusing.  
  
"I'll keep my eye on him." Toby promised.  
  
"You want I should talk to him?" Josh asked, eager to make amends for his ignorance as to his friend's condition.  
  
"Leave it to Toby to watch. If he wants to talk to you, Josh, I'm sure he will. If you go in there all guns blazing trying to force something out of him, he'll be reluctant to come to any of us in the future."  
  
"We can't risk that, Josh. Not when the inevitable happens. He'll need you then. We have to trust him."  
  
"What happens if something happens to him, Toby? I mean, if he's not taking proper care of himself."  
  
"Then we intervene. We take charge whether he likes it or not."  
  
"I think instead of trying to force him to talk at the minute; we need to trust him." C.J. added. "I know that your talking to him before when he had found out did him good but things are different now. Things have moved onto the next stage. Let Toby keep his eye on him, play things as if all was normal, keep him engaged."  
  
"Sure." Josh said doubtfully.  
  
X X X  
  
Kim Dryden entered Sam's office. He was a tall man, approximately six foot five. He was only in his twenties but a great mind on environmental matters and had proven his worth to the White House on numerous occasions. As such he was well acquainted with Sam and their shared interest in environmental policies was only one of the reasons that meant they enjoyed each others company, not only within the work environment but on a social level too.  
  
He was not quite as you would expect someone who works in close contact with White House to be, with his funky, spiky hair cut that looked like he had just been plugged in to an electric socket. His brown eyes were warm and inviting and his calm nature shone through, bringing with it a tendency to bring the best out in the people he met.  
  
"Sam. Good to see you." The two men shook hands, Kim smiling warmly at the Deputy Communications Director and resting his free hand on the top of Sam's right arm, a gesture of comfort and support.  
  
"Kim!"  
  
"How are you?"  
  
"I'm getting by."  
  
"And Lexie?"  
  
"She's doing O.K. She had a transfusion over the weekend and that seems to have done some good. She came home from the hospital yesterday so I had the day off; now I'm trying frantically to catch up." Sam indicated the vast array of papers spread around his office, at which Kim smiled.  
  
"It's a tough break man. You two are so good together."  
  
"Just my damn luck, you mean. They're either call girls or have some connection to Leo McGarry. His ex-wife has never let me forget about the time I flirted with her at a party fundraiser. I thought I was home-free with this one. I guess that shows you what I know!"  
  
"Yeah." Kim nodded. "So, what did you need?"  
  
"The President's asked to be briefed on the political repercussions the nuke thing could have as far as the environmentalists and the ecologists are concerned."  
  
"He does actually know the environmental repercussions?"  
  
"Yeah. We had that meeting a couple months ago. He now wants specific reaction. Thought he could use it to boost international concern and try to provoke some reaction from France; try to get them to sort this thing out internally."  
  
"You want the reaction of the factions then?" Kim grinned, proud of his rhyme, (well, almost).  
  
"I do."  
  
"Right then. Let's start."  
  
X X X  
  
Congresswoman Andrea Wyatt walked into her ex-husbands office, her manner all business-like and efficient in her dark grey skirt suit and lilac blouse. Her long red hair was tied back neatly in a pony tail that reached down her back.  
  
"Toby." She greeted.  
  
"Andrea." Toby nervously went up to Andi and kissed her on the cheek. "Take a seat. Have a Danish." Andi sat down on Toby's sofa and put her briefcase up onto the seat beside her.  
  
"Toby, just put my mind at rest," Toby looked blank, unaware of what she meant. "I heard a rumour a few months back, that you had been eating salad."  
  
"I can assure you that that is most certainly not true. There is no way that a bowl of weeds can constitute a proper meal."  
  
"Good." She inclined her head to the office next door. "How's Sam doing?"  
  
"It's hard for the kid. For both of them. I think he's managing. I'm keeping my eye on him."  
  
"Good. You owe him that."  
  
"I do." Toby paused a moment. He sat down on the chair at the end of the sofa where Andi was sitting. "I've been meaning to say this for a while."  
  
"Say what, Toby? Seriously, if it's about the salad, I don't..."  
  
"No. It's not about the, well, it's not about that." Toby cleared his throat and nervously ran his hand over his head while his free hand rested on his hip. "I wanted to thank you."  
  
"You wanted to thank me? For what?"  
  
"Putting me on the benefit committee for the Child Leukaemia Foundation. I know I seemed..."  
  
"Pissed?" Andi suggested, Toby felt the need to amend her.  
  
"Not at all happy about it at first but..."  
  
"It's O.K. Toby."  
  
"I mean, I know that it won't do anything to help Alexandra now but if there's some difference that can be made, well...that can only be a good thing, right?"  
  
"You exorcising some demons there Toby?"  
  
"I think I may be."  
  
"Well, that's very unlike you. Usually you're locking things up in your head. Is this a new you?"  
  
"I really shouldn't think so, no."  
  
"Well, that's a relief." Turning her mind to business Andrea began, "So what did you want to talk to me about? Not just that, surely."  
  
"No. The President has asked me to talk to you on behalf of your committee as regards the nuclear fiasco in the Federated States of Micronesia and near our own distant shores, in the oceans near Hawaii."  
  
"Do you know what he should do about that?" Andi then carried on, not waiting long enough to give Toby the opportunity to answer. "He should aim to sue them under every international piece of legislation he possibly can, whether we're a party to it or not. He should talk to Congress about the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty. He should be aggressive. If the French think that they can get away with nothing formal being done against them, they'll carry on. You can't keep on crying about the poor Manta Rays and the effects on the environment. The French don't care. It's not in their back yard. You have to hit them where it hurts; widespread sanctions, threaten their international status."  
  
"Really? And this is what your whole committee thinks?"  
  
"Something has to be done Toby."  
  
"Does this not contradict everything that the Ethics Committee stands for?"  
  
"Probably." Andi paused a moment and turned to ex-husband suspiciously. "You want the President to take affirmative action. Don't you?"  
  
"I do."  
  
"And he wants to know whether we'll object?"  
  
"Yes. Will you?"  
  
"Are you going to be killing people, harming people in anyway, threatening people?"  
  
"None of the above directly."  
  
"You can't threaten people who break the law, Toby. You take action and sanction them. You're not going to war over this. You're not harming people, you're helping. We don't need to know that every single nuclear weapon in the French arsenal is capable of decimating innocent life, that only one can do that should be enough, ample in fact."  
  
"You're not going to object?"  
  
"Go tell him." Andi nodded standing up and snagging a Danish from the plate in front of her. "You got cinnamon?"  
  
"I did."  
  
"You got my favourite."  
  
"I did." Andi gave him another peck on the cheek and went to leave, her Danish in hand. Toby walked her to the lobby and was left standing alone, smiling to himself.  
  
X X X  
  
At 12.25pm Toby stuck his head around the door to Sam's office.  
  
"What time did you finish with Kim?" Sam looked brighter than he had earlier, this environmental thing had really sparked his interest, Toby could see that. It really was his thing and although Sam still looked tired and drawn there was a faint sparkle in his eye and Toby could also tell that there was a fiery passion in his heart.  
  
"About 10 minutes ago."  
  
"Did it go O.K.?"  
  
"Yeah. It was good."  
  
"O.K. We're in the Oval now. We're reporting back to the President at 12.30pm sharp."  
  
"Can I walk with you?" Toby seemed surprised by Sam's request and nodded his consent.  
  
"Sure. So you're all suited up for this?"  
  
"I am."  
  
"Good."  
  
They walked together to the Oval Office and Charlie waved them straight through. C.J. and Josh were already sitting in there next to each other on one of the sofas. The President and Leo assumed their usual positions in the wing-back chairs, so Toby and Sam sat down on the second sofa.  
  
"What have you got for me, Sam?" asked the President.  
  
"We have quite a lot, Sir, as far as the different groups go. As I said earlier, the ones to watch out for are the ecologists."  
  
"Etymology Josh?"  
  
"Do we really have time for this, Sir?" Toby asked. He could not believe that the President was going to waste everybody's precious time on inane trivia.  
  
"We have another taker; Toby etymology?" Toby groaned but his displeasure did not prevent him from answering.  
  
"Oecology. Coined by the German zoologist Ernst Haeckel in 1873 and it covered new frontiers of scientific research."  
  
"Thank you. Talk to me, Sam."  
  
"Advocates of biodiversity shouldn't be too much of a problem, they won't be thrilled but we shouldn't get much political comeback as their tenets are not affected. Supporters of Gaia on the other hand will not be quite so easy to placate. Their holistic approach is not opposed to killing off any species that threatens the survival of other organisms, I think political reaction will be nothing to them. They're potentially a very dangerous group for us."  
  
"You should stop reading Tom Clancy, Sam." Said Josh.  
  
"'Rainbow Six' was a good book." Sam defended.  
  
"Yes, I found that it made a particularly useful doorstop." Josh said referring to the book's hefty proportions.  
  
"Josh." Leo warned from his vantage point on the chair. "Carry on Sam."  
  
"Kim reckons that the rationalists should be O.K. being, you know, rational and as long as we're seen to be doing something to prevent it they shouldn't react that strongly. The eco-socialists are more concerned that we use 617 times more energy than Ethiopians and fighting about class's influence on ecology and the environment. There's no real political threat there other than the usual. Eco-feminists will enjoy blaming the men while the women are the natural defenders of the environment, so on the bright side, if there is any comeback C.J. will be fine."  
  
"Can't argue with that one." Said C.J.  
  
"The eco-nationalists are drawing on Chernobyl, so no doubt they'll be saying 'I told you so' along with the anti-nuclear protesters. These could be more problematic though, because of their affiliation with indigenous persons and there are many natives of the Federated States of Micronesia who are potentially in danger. Post-Marxist Eco-Feminists..."  
  
"Excuse me?" Leo interrupted.  
  
"Now you're just making these up, Sam." Josh scoffed.  
  
"No, he's not." Said the President, an expert on all things of this sort. "A key advocate is Ariel Salleh and it focuses on meta-industrial workers, for example housewives, peasants and indigenous people. It also challenges Marxist class dogmas and takes a political economy approach; they look for commonalities between eco-feminists and the struggles of indigenous peoples. That right Sam?"  
  
"Absolutely Mr. President." Sam confirmed.  
  
"As if there's any doubt about that!" Josh muttered to C.J.  
  
"They could be a concern for the same reason as the eco-nationalists, but the feminism thing shouldn't cause any problems. Conservationists will be bothered about the Manta Rays, but we could buy them off politically if we could guarantee a safe area for some of the endangered wildlife. Eco- socialists shouldn't be a problem either as long as people are not at such a high risk as animals, their anthropocentrism covers that and if we can convince them that we have a pragmatic solution, we're fine. Supporters of Deep Ecology may cause a political ruckus because of their holistic beliefs but I think the fact that they believe the eco-sphere is closely related to God will succeed in preventing some of the retributive action they could attempt, but I am worried by the fact that they call for drastic change to recognise the intrinsic attitudes of all species; I'm thinking about the Manta Rays here. As far as the groups themselves are concerned, Kim says we should be aware of the movements of Earth First and Direct Action; there is the potential for environmental terrorism and I think we can all agree that we don't want a repeat performance of what happened to the ski resort in Colorado." Sam took a deep breath as he finished.  
  
"That it?"  
  
"Yes Sir."  
  
"Good work." Bartlet turned his attention to the Communications Director. "Toby, what have you got for me?"  
  
"Andi says it's a go, Sir!"  
  
"You're kidding me?"  
  
"I am not."  
  
"I would have thought that the Ethics Committee would have objections on all sorts of fronts."  
  
"Andi says that we're fine Sir. She'll make sure we are."  
  
"There'll be no comeback from them?"  
  
"None at all."  
  
"Excellent, Toby." The President looked around the room. "We're taking an affirmative action approach. All the lawyers in the room raise your hands." The Senior Staff looked around at one another bemused. "Those of you who have graduated from law school, do not fear for your time will not be wasted. You will all spend the rest of the day sifting through Treaties and international laws and find all the breaches and exemptions you can. Josh, can you run the war room for this in the Roosevelt Room. Get all the lawyers you can find on this, would you please."  
  
"Yes Sir. Sam, Toby, you join him when you've given C.J. a line for the Press. Don't tell them we're going for the jugular. Tell them we're examining our options for further ways to react."  
  
"Yes Sir." Both of the Communications Staffers said.  
  
"Keep the lid on this C.J." said Leo.  
  
"Yes, sir." They sat there for a moment.  
  
"Well, go do it." The President said. He was greeted by a bustle of action as each of the Senior Staff jumped up once more and set about preparing press statements and preparing the war room.  
  
X X X  
  
Josh had Donna call in Ainsley Hayes from the Counsel's Office and also dragged in Ed and Larry, who could always be relied upon, even if no one could tell which one of them was which. They sat around the long table in the Roosevelt Room with open files strewn all over and yellow legal pads and ball point pens at hand to jot down any thing that may be useful.  
  
Josh did his best overseeing; grateful that he could use it as a reprieve from actually doing the work that whole heartedly. He simply picked up the odd file for show then stood looking over everyone else's shoulders to make sure they weren't 'missing anything'.  
  
There was a pot of coffee on the side that was rapidly being consumed and the plate of muffins Josh had cajoled Donna into getting for him was diminishing rapidly, thanks to Ainsley's insatiable hunger for confectionary.  
  
Sam and Toby walked in to find heads bent over the papers. They sat themselves down and Josh siphoned off an unexamined set of papers for each of them to go through, about which Toby was obviously underwhelmed.  
  
"Hey Sam."  
  
"Ainsley."  
  
"And I would like to say to you, Toby: Hello."  
  
"Ainsley. Does anyone have anything yet?" Ed and Larry both raised their legal pads, full of their jottings to show him.  
  
"I do. I have many things that I have found out and written down for you on my paper. My piece of paper that I was given when I arrived in here today, by Josh."  
  
"Has anyone ever told you that you talk funny?" Toby said.  
  
"I have had that conversation, indeed I have had that conversation on many an occasion."  
  
"O.K." Toby said, wishing he had never mentioned it.  
  
"Guys, I don't want to be pushy but can we get on please. This is an important thing and it's gotta be done." Toby raised his eyes to glare at Josh while Josh in turn averted his attention, not wanting to risk a confrontation with the Communications Director who was far more practiced in these things than he.  
  
After a couple hours of searching, all the pieces of paper had been dredged through culminating in a particularly lengthy compilation of everyone's lists. Proud of their work, Sam and Toby went along with Josh to take the final version along to Leo who would then work through it with Oliver Babish, the White House Counsel and then give it to the President so that the affirmative action could begin. 


	7. Tell Me There's A Heaven

**Rainbow's End: 'Tell Me There's A Heaven' 7/11  
  
TELL ME THERE'S A HEAVEN  
  
Friday 14th November**  
  
"Sam, you gotta come to the Oval." Josh said as he bounced into Sam Seaborn's Office.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"The President's about to give the go ahead on the affirmative action. The petition is about to go to the U.N."  
  
"O.K." Josh had started to leave while Sam stayed sitting behind his desk. When he had reached the edge of the Bullpen he realised that Sam was not with him, so he went back to see where his friend was.

"Sam, you might wanna get up." Josh said as he stood in the doorway, leaning against the frame.  
  
"Yeah." Sam still didn't move. Josh came into the room properly now.  
  
"Sam, you O.K.?" His query was answered with a sneeze. "You have a cold." He accused. "How long?"  
  
"It's only come on today." Josh glared at Sam, attempting to assess the validity of his statement. He was saved the trouble, however, when Sam decided that it was less painful just to confess, it would take less out of him that way. "I started to feel a bit off yesterday. I hoped that it would turn out to be nothing." In fact it was an extension of the thing that had made Sam seem weary on Tuesday but only now had the full force hit, not feeling egregiously under the weather until the day before; the Thursday.  
  
"You shouldn't have come in."  
  
"I couldn't very well stay at home." Sam said plaintively.  
  
"No. Sorry man, I wasn't..."  
  
"It's O.K. Josh." Sam sighed.  
  
C.J. was on her way to the Oval Office via the Bullpen, so they could all go as a happy band. She saw Josh in Sam's office and decided that she would go in and find out what was going on.  
  
"Hey guys." C.J. said as she took a quick look at the other two men in the room. She took a closer look at Sam. "Well, you don't look very well, Spanky."  
  
"He's sick." Josh informed her. A concerned look flitted across C.J.'s face and went up to Sam to put her hand to his forehead, which he promptly batted away.  
  
"How old are you?" Toby asked as he too came into the room.  
  
"It's busier than Dupont Circle in here!" Sam moaned as C.J. promptly attempted a second attack, which Sam also ably defended.  
  
"I presume he's the reason why we're not all in the Oval Office right now." Toby observed.  
  
"Sam's sick."  
  
"I'm a little off colour." The more people who arrived and attempted to mother him and take his temperature, the more defensive Sam got.  
  
Toby walked right up to his Deputy to take a closer look to him. Not wanting to waste time playing games, Toby decided to try a little affirmative action of his own and threw down the proverbial gauntlet.  
  
"Sam, if you're sick, go lay down in my office, if you're not, get your ass to the Oval Office right now." Thinking that Sam would admit defeat, especially after the boat had pretty much sailed as to his colleagues knowing, Toby waited for the young speechwriter to go into his office. Instead Sam dragged himself to his feet and led the group to the Oval Office.  
  
Sam was feeling horrible; he had a headache and the feeling that he may have a fever. He had already swallowed down several Tylenol, but they did not seem to be doing much good. He felt a little queasy and often a little dizzy. There was no doubt about it, what was feeling a touch 'off' just the day before was turning into the worst bout of flu he had had since he was at college at Princeton. He remembered that only too well.

* * *

He had been almost fine one day, just feeling a little bit funny, then when he had awoken the next morning to get ready to go to class he felt awful. In two minds whether he should go or not, Sam decided that he ought not miss his class; it was too important and the way his luck worked, the only class he missed all year would be the crucial one.  
  
Sam had dragged himself in for his Comparative Human Rights Lecture; his nose was running like he had never known the whole way through, he was coughing, he was sneezing, he was shivering from the cold and spent most of the lecture wrapped up tightly in his coat with his scarf an article with which he never usually borrowed, wrapped round his neck. Even with all these measures he still shivered. He had an uncomfortable ache in his back and fidgeted a lot, it was the most miserable two hours he remembered. He took himself home and was in bed and asleep a couple hours later where he spent most of the night until he crawled out of bed at 9.00pm reasoning that if he didn't he would be unable to sleep through the rest of the night.  
  
Sam took himself off to bed again after the new most miserable two hours off his life at 11.00pm, dosed up with medicines. Unaccustomed to taking painkillers or aspirin, so much so that just one usually knocked him out, he took his fourth one of the day expecting to be unconscious well into next week. He did sleep, though not well. He dreamt that he happened be in a Presidential motorcade, in the same car as the President, no less, a bizarre dream for a college student with the aspirations and ability to work in corporate law, but that was what he dreamt nonetheless. While in the car there were 'things' that had been eating their way through the cables that connected all the important bits of the car. As Sam felt the car lurch to the left he sat bolt upright in bed, thrust there by the movement of the vehicle. After that he found sleep elusive and any time he did doze off he was haunted by more dreams of crashing automobiles. Somehow, and this part was a little hazy, the car had been saved by him and the 'things' that had caused the damage had been disposed of; for his role, whatever that may have been, he was offered a job as Counsellor to the President. He became part of the inner-circle. One might say that it was prophetic. He did not forget that dream; nor did he forget the thing that induced it.

* * *

"That was some good work everybody." The President said as he picked up a pile of papers from the Executive Desk. The Staff were all standing around him in front of the Executive Desk. "Oliver Babish says that all the complaints are legitimate. It really is excellent. It's being couriered to UN HQ as we speak, I would love to have taken it myself. We're ready to release this to the press now. I'd like to make my own statement later on in the day, but C.J. should start the leak now."  
  
"You should do a vague general release, C.J. and then give something more specific to a handful in the room C.J." Toby intervened.  
  
"Any suggestions who, Tobias?" C.J. asked.  
  
"Give it to the ones with the best attendance record." Josh put in.  
  
"Are you doing the briefing Joshua?" C.J. asked.  
  
"I could..." Josh started then he caught the looks on four of the five other faces in the room. "Then again, maybe not?" He tried.  
  
"Good guess." The President said. The President took a glance around the room at his staff; he was sure that he just saw Sam shivering. "Sam?"  
  
"Yes, Mr. President?"  
  
"You O.K.?"  
  
"Sir?"  
  
"You're shivering. Are you a little cold there?"  
  
"I guess it may be a little cold in here, Sir."  
  
"The heating's working fine, Sam." Leo said.  
  
"He's sick." C.J. said.  
  
"Seriously?"  
  
"Yes, Mr. President. I think that he has a fever but he won't let me near him to see."  
  
"You feeling a little temperamental there, Sam?"  
  
"No Sir."  
  
"Go home," The President instructed. "Now."  
  
Toby intervened here.  
  
"Sam, go lay in my office." Sam looked doubtfully about the room. "Go now." Toby instructed. "Take him Josh." Josh moved off towards the door and once he was clear of the group around the desk, waited for Sam to do the same. When the movement was unforthcoming Josh went back to his friend and loosely slipped his arm around Sam's waist and guided him toward the door that by-passed the Outer Office and took them straight to the hallway and the quickest route back to Communications.  
  
"Toby, I don't mind you undermining my authority but I'd rather you didn't do it while I'm still in the room." The President said.  
  
"Yes, Sir." Toby said, a certain degree of humbleness in his voice. Leo grinned; the President did not realise the phenomenal power in the offices that surrounded this one: Toby issuing his own set of orders, Josh inventing a secret plan to fight inflation and Margaret practicing signing the President's name and offering to expedite matters by doing so on a document removing the President from power.  
  
"What was that about?"  
  
"He can't go home, Sir. He's terrified that he's going to give whatever it is he's got to Alexandra and she's only just come out of the hospital and gotten over a nasty infection."  
  
"Ah. I see."  
  
"I'll keep him in my office and then find something to do with him later. Thing is, he can't go home and I think he wants to avoid being by himself right now. I think he needs the distraction of work."  
  
"Toby, I'll call my wife and see if she can squeeze Sam in this morning. See what she has to say. I'll let you know a time."  
  
"Yes Sir." Toby said.  
  
"Start the leak, C.J."  
  
"Mr. President."  
  
"And don't let Josh near the Press Room; whenever he's in the vicinity of the media he seems to have this incomparable way of opening his mouth and getting himself into trouble."  
  
"Yes Sir."  
  
"O.K. Toby. Take care of Sam and make sure he sees my wife."  
  
"Mr. President."  
  
"Get going." Leo said. Once the room was cleared the President bellowed.  
  
"Mrs. Landingham! Can you see if my wife has any free time this morning to see Sam."  
  
"Yes Sir."  
  
"And then can you call Toby's office and let him know when she's free."  
  
"Yes Sir."  
  
X X X  
  
Toby and C.J. got back to the Communications Bullpen to find Sam lying on his side on Toby's sofa with Josh holding him there, Sam was complaining all the way, though if he was honest, he really was too tired to put up that good a fight.  
  
"Sam." Toby said, crouching down so that he was at eyelevel with his Deputy. "We want you to see Mrs. Bartlet. Let her take a quick look at you."  
  
"I don't NEED to see the First Lady." Sam whined.  
  
"No Sam; you don't WANT to see the First Lady, there's a difference." Josh pointed out.  
  
"Either way, you're not going to convince me."  
  
"You're going to see her Sam, even if I have to drag you to her office myself." Toby was very determined.  
  
"Yes sir." Sam sighed. He gave up the fight that he knew he would never have won.  
  
"Can you boys manage in here by yourselves?" C.J. asked Toby and Sam.  
  
"We'll be fine. I don't think that he'll be much trouble." Toby said quietly, looking at his weary Deputy, who was being surprisingly compliant and lying passively on the sofa. "Go start the leak." He stood up to go to his desk, his knees protesting loudly as he did so.  
  
"O.K. Come on Josh. Let Sam sleep." C.J. waggled Sam's foot as she walked past it and then slipped her arm through Josh's and started pulling him gently toward the door.  
  
"One sec, C.J., please." Josh said. He now crouched down near Sam, taking the place Toby had just vacated. "You gonna be O.K. buddy?" Sam nodded. "O.K. you get some sleep and go see Mrs. Bartlet when you're told. Feel better Sam."  
  
"Thanks." Sam's lips were tinged with a shadow of his usual smile, he was grateful for his friends concern but he was preoccupied with his worries.  
  
When Josh had finished leaving his orders for Sam, he followed C.J. from the room with no protestations, only a few fleeting concerned glances over his shoulder. Toby nodded his head, assuring the two others who were just as concerned as he was, that Sam was in good hands and that he would be fine.  
  
Sam finally (well, about five minutes later) closed his eyes and started to nod off while Toby worked quietly at his desk on the President's official remarks on the situation, when Bonnie knocked softly on the door, giving Toby a piece of paper with the time of Sam's appointment with Mrs. Bartlet. Sam was told the time of his appointment but he was so close to sleep it is safe to assume that it was one of those things that went into one ear and out of the other.  
  
Toby worked away until he was disturbed once more, by Ginger, this time.  
  
"Toby, I'm sorry. There's a phone call for you. Won't give his name but says it's urgent." Normally Toby would have shirked taking the call until the person on the other end decided that they wanted to play fair and leave a name, preferably a real one. Something about this call seemed different; his instincts told Toby that he should take this call, even putting it above the President's address.  
  
"Put it through, please, Ginger." Ginger looked a little surprised but she said nothing and went back out into the Bullpen to put the call through. "Toby Ziegler." He said. He listened intently to the person on the other end of the phone, looking grim. "O.K." He said finally. "Meet me at the Four Seasons in thirty minutes." He put the phone down, grabbed his coat and rushed out into the Bullpen.  
  
"Toby?" Bonnie was surprised by the speed at which Toby was heading toward the exit.  
  
"Bonnie, can you keep your eye on Sam for me? Make sure he goes in to see Mrs. Bartlet at 11.00, if you have to drag him down there, do it. Call Josh and C.J. if he still won't go; make them take him."  
  
"Sure. Toby, is everything O.K.?"  
  
"I hope so." Toby said as he rushed through the door. If you need me I'll be on my cell but only if, and I mean ONLY, only if it's an emergency or Sam..." Toby waved his hands about vaguely.  
  
"Sure."  
  
**The Four Seasons**  
  
When Toby got to the Four Seasons, he looked about him nervously, looking for the person whom he was supposed to meet. There was no sign of him yet, so Toby took a seat to wait. He didn't have to wait long though, the person who had contacted him showed up about five minutes after Toby. As soon as Toby saw him walk through the doors he jumped to his feet and raised his hand in the air to attract the person's attention. As soon as the person saw Toby's signal, he crossed the room in long strides.  
  
The man with whom Toby was meeting had a wave of light brown hair, cut short but the mass of curls still evident. He was a good few inches taller than Toby and you would, from looking at him, think he was a few years younger, though in actual fact there was only a couple months difference in their ages. He had green eyes that darted about the room nervously, Toby could see his unease at being in such a public place for this meeting instantly, though Toby concluded better meeting there than at the White House, where there was a greater likelihood of the man having to face the fallout.  
  
"He did it." The man had the traces of a European accent of some sort.  
  
"What?"  
  
"He authorised this."  
  
"You're serious?" The man shook his head. "And you know this for sure?"  
  
There was a pause in the conversation as a waitress came to take their drinks order. Toby opted for a glass of orange juice while the man with him ordered a soda water.  
  
"I was in the room when he gave the go order, Toby." Toby nodded.  
  
"I appreciate your coming to me. I know you could get into a lot of trouble for this."  
  
"I've been in more trouble for less." He shrugged.  
  
"Still." The waitress put the two glasses on the table and left them to it.  
  
"We should do lunch sometime."  
  
"We should. When this has died down."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I think that the best thing for you to do at the moment is keep a low profile." Toby said, thoughtfully running his finger around the rim of his glass.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I can get you on your cell?"  
  
"Sure. Not many people have that number."  
  
"You'll be alright? You don't need anything?"  
  
"Let's hope not." The man murmured with a sardonic smile.  
  
"Thank you." The man who had been sitting with Toby drained the last of his water and prepared to leave. He reached for his wallet but Toby indicated for him to put it away. "It's fine. I got the check." The man nodded and walked briskly away from the table.  
  
Toby sipped at his orange juice pensively, wondering how he was going to break this news to the President. It occurred to him that he should call C.J. and tell her to postpone the Press Briefing but a quick glimpse of his watch showed that he was too late; the briefing would be over already. He finished his juice and paid for the drinks leaving a generous tip and left for the White House.

* * *

"Sam?" C.J. said quietly as she walked into Toby's office. "Sam sweetie, it's time for you to go and see the First Lady." The magic words: 'First Lady' and the fear that was associated with them woke Sam up with a jolt.  
  
"C.J.?" He croaked, his voice hoarse from the sleep.  
  
"You have to go see Mrs. Bartlet right now. Ginger and Bonnie didn't have the heart to wake you up so they called for me." Sam looked around the room, a little confused.  
  
"Where's Toby?"  
  
"He had to step out for a minute." C.J. said as she swiped a stray piece of hair from Sam's eyes, using the opportunity to see if he had a fever. This time his mind was too sluggish from all the sleep to protest until it was too late. "You DO have a fever!" C.J. exclaimed, though she did her best to withhold the 'I told you so comment' that was so evidently rising to the surface. "Come on. I think it's bad manners to keep the First Lady of the United States waiting." C.J. helped Sam to sit up, his legs stretched out in front of him and waited patiently as he became orientated, repeating the process when she helped him sit properly on the couch and then once again when she helped him stand. She walked him down to the lair...office of Abigail Bartlet and left him in the safe hands of the First Lady.  
  
"So Sam, my husband tells me that you're not feeling quite yourself."  
  
"No Ma'am," Sam shook his head mournfully.  
  
"Can I give you a quick exam.?"  
  
"But I've not had any time to study." Sam tried weakly as a diversionary tactic.  
  
"Funny, Sam. Now, sit down and lift you're shirt for me!"  
  
X X X  
  
"Donna, is he about?" Toby stormed past Donna looking for Josh.  
  
"He's in his office Toby. Can I get him for you?"  
  
"No." It was too late anyway. Toby had already pushed open the door to the Deputy Chief of Staff's office. "Josh," Josh was shocked by Toby's sudden intrusion and his feet fell from where they had been reclining on his desk. "we need to see the President."  
  
"Toby?" Josh wondered what was making the Communications Director burn. Toby had already turned and walked out of Josh's office at a rapid pace. Josh shot to his feet and jogged after him.  
  
"Where's C.J.?"  
  
"I don't..." C.J. appeared from the hallway that would lead her back to her office.  
  
"C.J. We need to get to the Oval." And Toby was off again. C.J. upped her pace to keep up with the other two men, her heels clacking on the floor.  
  
They reached the Outer Office to find that Mrs. Landingham had stepped out for a moment and there was no sign of Charlie. Toby fidgeted, tapping his foot up and down restlessly.  
  
"Toby, calm down." C.J. said.  
  
"Damn." Toby said, obviously remembering something.  
  
"What?" Josh asked perplexed.  
  
"I'll be back in a minute." He made for the door. "I want to go to Communications to make sure they got Sam down to see Mrs. Bartlet. At least if they didn't, it's not too late, I can do it myself."  
  
C.J. walked up to Toby and put her hand on his shoulder. It grounded him a little and he paused.  
  
"He's gone to see her Toby."  
  
"You're sure?"  
  
"I took him myself."  
  
"You did?"  
  
"I did. Ginger and Bonnie called me. They didn't want to wake him."  
  
"You had no such scruples?"  
  
"I did not." Toby smiled and nodded his gratitude to C.J. "Now, why don't you tell me what has gotten you so wound up you look as if you're about to spontaneously combust." Toby was prevented from replying by the bustling of a phalanx of secret service agents, followed by Charlie, the President, Leo and a few more agents for good measure all of whom crowded into the Oval Office. Charlie dropped out of the procession and stopped at his desk, smiling at the Senior Staff.  
  
"Guys, is it important? He's about to get on a conference call about the thing."  
  
"Yeah." Said Toby. "We need to see him now." The urgency evident from his agitated tone of voice and the incessant fidgeting that had started up again as soon as C.J. had taken her hand from his shoulder.  
  
"O.K. I'll let him know. He'll be able to see you in a minute."  
  
"Thanks Charlie." Josh said.  
  
"Is he all right?" Charlie asked, inclining his head toward Toby. "He looks like he's about to have a heart attack."  
  
"Our Communications Staff are a little highly strung at the moment." Josh answered Charlie back in a quiet voice. Charlie grinned at Josh's understatement, an unusual thing for the Deputy Chief of Staff to be sure and stepped into the Oval Office to tell the President that the Staff needed to see him and if it wasn't soon there would be a bloody mess from where Toby had exploded on the carpet.  
  
"He says he'll see you guys now." Charlie said, stepping out of the Oval.  
  
"Thanks Charlie." Said Josh as he led them in.  
  
"Chucky!" said C.J. as she passed the President's personal aide, a wicked glint in her eyes; they met with Charlie's eyes, which were set in something of a disapproving glare. Toby simply marched passed not saying a single thing.  
  
On seeing them enter, the President scanned the faces of his Senior Staff, Leo standing by his side.  
  
"What did Josh do now?" he asked.  
  
"Josh didn't do anything." Josh said, looking indignant. "Why does everybody assume that it's my fault we're in here?"  
  
"Past experience." Leo stated calmly. Everybody sat down nervously, waiting for Toby to say why he had wanted them all there. Toby's foot was still tapping nervously.  
  
"What happened?" The tension in the room was palpable.  
  
X X X  
  
"I think you have the flu Sam."  
  
"I could've told you that, Ma'am."  
  
"You're fever's not so high to cause me great concern though."  
  
"Good."  
  
"But I'm afraid the discomfort of the other symptoms, you'll have to suffer. You taking Tylenol?"  
  
"Yes Ma'am."  
  
"Good. You should take it easy too."  
  
"Yes, Ma'am." The First Lady, Abigail Bartlet sat next to Sam on a sofa in her office.  
  
"You're tired?"  
  
"Ma'am." Sam admitted.  
  
"And you're worried, no doubt."  
  
"Ma'am."  
  
"Do you want to talk to me about it?"  
  
"I don't."  
  
"Sam." Mrs. Bartlet said, her voice an inch away from threatening. "How is Alexandra?"  
  
"She's getting by. You know, she finalised the sale of her apartment the other weekend?"  
  
"It's good to be prepared, Sam."  
  
"I know that, it's just...I had to go with her to prepare her will the other day. I mean, that was just weird."  
  
"You have a will, don't you?"  
  
"I do." Sam nodded, "but I'm not planning on using it any time soon."  
  
"I don't think many people do Sam. What about her parents?"  
  
"She's an only child. Her Mom died in childbirth and her Dad died of complications from pneumonia last year. They were both older parents." Abbey nodded. "I want to know what happens after."  
  
"Sam."  
  
"I mean, when...you know, happens and we all know that it will, I want to know what will happen."  
  
"You'll have to contact the funeral home..."  
  
"No." Sam interrupted. "I mean, what happens...well, what happens to me. She's become such a big part of my life...I don't know what to do without her."  
  
"I don't want to patronise you Sam. You're an adult, a highly intelligent one at that, but she will always be with you, if you let her."  
  
"Can I ask you, Ma'am? Do you believe in an afterlife?"  
  
"My husband and I are both Catholic, Sam."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I like to think there's something more anyway."  
  
"The spirit is an important thing." Sam nodded. "Thing is, I don't want to be left by myself."  
  
"You know everyone here will be there for you. All you have to do is come to us."  
  
"I know that Ma'am."  
  
X X X  
  
_A little girl she said to me   
"What are these things that I can see   
Each night when I come home from school   
When Mama calls me in for tea?"   
Oh every night a baby dies   
And every night a mother cries.   
What makes those men do what they do   
To make a person black and blue?  
  
Grandpa says they're happy now,   
They sit with God in paradise with angel's wings   
And still somehow, it makes me feel like ice.  
  
Tell me there's a heaven, tell me that it's true   
Tell me there's a reason why I'm seeing what I do   
Tell me there's a heaven where all those people go   
Tell me they're all happy now, papa, tell me that it's so.  
  
So do I tell her that it's true?   
That there's a place for me and you.   
Where happy children smile and say   
"We wouldn't have no other way."  
  
And I'm looking at the father and the son   
And I'm looking at the mother and the daughter   
And I'm watching now in tears of pain   
And I'm watching them suffer.   
Don't tell that little girl, tell me!  
  
Tell me there's a heaven, tell me that it's true.   
Tell me there's a reason why I'm seeing what I do.   
Tell me there's a heaven where all those people go.   
Tell me they're all happy now, father,   
Tell me that it's so.   
Tell me there's a heaven.   
Tell me.  
  
('Tell Me There's A Heaven' by Chris Rea)  
_  
X X X  
  
"Good people die, Sam. Whether they deserve to or not."  
  
"It makes me feel empty. The thought of being without her makes me feel cold."  
  
"Sam?"  
  
"I'm frightened that when she's dead and gone I'm going to feel nothing. The ache in my heart I've been feeling has been getting more and more intense but at the same time it's been diminishing. I'm afraid that after she's dead there'll be nothing left." The emotion he felt was exhausting him and playing on his already brittle emotions and affecting his ability to handle and process information.  
  
"You'll never feel nothing Sam."  
  
"But what if I forget her?"  
  
"You won't. Things will stay in your mind; little things. Certain smells, certain feelings inside you. You'll remember."  
  
"Do you promise me?"  
  
"I do. You're a strong man Sam. Everybody here loves you and nobody wants to see you get hurt, but..."  
  
"But bad things happen to good people. So I've been told." The weight of emotion made Sam's voice thick but he was adamant that he would maintain decorum in front of the First Lady.  
  
"Everybody's very proud of you, you know, Sam. A lot of people would have got themselves away as fast as they possibly could. Through thick and thin, through the bad times..."  
  
"And the worse times." Sam interrupted dejectedly, tears glinting in his eyes and a lump stuck in his throat but Abbey carried on unperturbed.  
  
"Through the bad times and the good times, you've been there for her. You really do love her, Sam, I can see that. And I do know it's difficult. It's a big thing to accept, Alex may only be so philosophical about it all because she's not going to have to live with the grief. I'm not saying that she has it easy, you know that I wouldn't but her one consolation is that her problems will soon be over."  
  
"And mine are just beginning." Sam took a deep breath to control his emotions. "Why'd it have to be her, Mrs. Bartlet? She's never done a thing to hurt anyone. Why is it her that has to die? I mean, I always figured that if I had nothing else in my life I would always have hope, but here there's not even any hope to cling to now. No hope at all." Decorum gone with his fever addled mind, Sam was now crying properly. Abbey looked at the young speech writer and her heart went out to him. She put her arm around his shoulders and it surprised her when Sam didn't pull away. Instead he leaned into it and accepted the support that Mrs. Bartlet offered and she hugged him as his shoulders shook, grateful that she could offer Sam at least that. She was determined that he should not feel alone or abandoned.  
  
Abbey remembered all the things that she had felt when Jed's M.S. had been diagnosed. She looked down at Sam sympathetically, he was unaware that the President had a potential bomb inside of him, something that if it blew had the potential to alter everybody's life. She knew it never would, he would be safely out of office before relapsing/remitting turned into secondary progressive. At least she could give him the four years of happiness he wanted and then she would be there for the rest. Just the one term and then Jed could retire happy, she could continue to practice medicine on a more casual basis and they could live what was left of both of their lives together; be it long or short term. She thought what news like that could do to Sam, especially coming so close to Rosslyn where his boss (and Abbey knew that the Staff loved the President) but also his best friend (particularly his best friend) could have died.  
  
"We'll get by Sam. We always do." Abbey said quietly into Sam's hair. "We always, always do."


	8. No More

**Rainbow's End: 'No More' 8/11  
  
NO MORE  
  
14th November**  
  
Mrs. Bartlet returned Sam to Toby's office once he had calmed down. The crying session had spent all his energy and he welcomed the prospect of curling up on Toby's couch, sinking deep into the cushions and submitting himself to the demands of his exhausted body.  
  
X X X  
  
"What happened Toby?" The President was keen to know why his Senior Staff had essentially stormed his office and at least four of the people in the room, filled with Leo, Toby, Josh, C.J. and himself, had no idea what was going on. The President's finely honed intuitiveness took his attention to Toby, who had not stopped fidgeting and fiddling. At present he was obsessively straightening the line of his tie by running his hand up and down it; then he would adjust the knot and fiddle with that. The President's intuition being of such a high calibre, and boy did he like to remind people about that, suspected it was at the Communications Director's bidding that they were all there, waiting in anticipation.  
  
"I just got a phone call. About the thing."  
  
"What about it Toby?" The President was a little displeased at having to drag out all the information from Toby, usually the most forthright member of his Staff; it meant something that Toby was less erudite than usual.  
  
"He knew."  
  
"I'm sorry, who did?" Josh asked. Everybody seemed to be talking in riddles and he was left hoping that he was not the only one who was not successfully following the conversation.  
  
"Delacroix. He knew all about it."  
  
"He said he didn't, Toby. I don't see how you can state anything to the contrary. We may not like him that much but he is the President of France," Leo said.  
  
"I know, Leo. The call I had. The guy was in the room when the President gave the 'go' order."  
  
"You're kidding me?" The President asked. "Toby, you have absolutely got to be kidding me?"  
  
"I am not, Mr. President."  
  
"Perhaps you should get Toby recruiting for the CIA," suggested Josh.  
  
"Perhaps you ought to go see him for a job," Leo suggested back.  
  
"I already have a job...wait! This is one of those things where I won't have a job if I don't let Toby talk, right?"  
  
"You got it." Leo said.  
  
"Who told you Toby? Are they reliable?"  
  
"Yes Sir. I'd stake my life on it." The President nodded sagely. He trusted Toby's judgement; it was second only to his own.  
  
"This is definite?"  
  
"It is."  
  
"Well, this is...this is quite something. Good work, Toby."  
  
"The guy came to me, Sir."  
  
"Does he need protection?"  
  
"I don't know. I don't think he does nor does he."  
  
"You can contact him?"  
  
"I have a cell number."  
  
"Good. You know what this means? This means I have a solid case." The President was beginning to get excited.  
  
"Yes Sir."  
  
"C.J., retract what you've already released to the Press. You'll look stupid but I don't mind that so much. Toby, I want a memo from you covering everything you've just told me and I want it yesterday!" A question flicked through the President's mind. "Did Sam go see my wife?"  
  
"C.J. took him, Sir."  
  
"Good. Thank you Claudia Jean." The President turned his attention to his Chief of Staff. "Leo, can you tell Charlie that I'm ready to make the call."  
  
"Yes Sir." Leo went and the others were set to follow, having been dismissed.  
  
"That was a good catch, Toby. I think that you were right to want to be aggressive; especially now we have this new information."  
  
"Thank you, Sir." The Senior Staff left the Oval Office.  
  
"How did you find that out, Toby?" asked Josh. "Who told you?"  
  
"Not here. Come back to my office." Toby said and the other two, keen to know about Toby's field trip, followed, a million questions in each of their heads. He saw Ginger as they entered the Bullpen. "Is he back?"  
  
"Mrs. Bartlet delivered him safe and sound about five minutes ago. He looked as if he'd been crying."  
  
"Crap." Toby said quietly.  
  
"He was very tired. I think that he's asleep now."  
  
"Okay, thank you, Ginger." He turned to C.J. and Josh. "We'll do this in Sam's office." He opened the door to his Deputy's office and led the others in.  
  
"Who was it, Toby? Who told you? Why'd they call you?"  
  
"It was my friend that called."  
  
"Your friend?" C.J. looked confused.  
  
"Your French friend?" Josh asked confused.  
  
"No Josh, my friend from Outer Mongolia, because I've always found that the French never mind him sitting through their weapons briefings."  
  
"Is this the guy that was in jail in Indonesia."  
  
"It is."  
  
"The one we tried to bust out."  
  
"Yes, the one who's release we negotiated with no success."  
  
"When the guy was pissed 'cos he didn't like the toast you'd written and Sam told me he told you that you should be nicer."  
  
"Guys? You do know that I have no idea what you're talking about and Joshua over here, talking gibberish is doing nothing to help my comprehension of the situation." C.J. said.  
  
"Okay at the State Dinner last year with Indonesia..."  
  
"During hurricane Sarah?"  
  
"Yes, well..."  
  
"And the truckers?"  
  
"Yes, but anyway..."  
  
"And the thing in Idaho."  
  
"C.J.!" Toby growled.  
  
"Sorry, I just like to be clear."  
  
"You're clear now though, right?" Asked Toby, the tone of his voice almost daring C.J. to say something to the contrary, she bit the bullet and remained quiet.  
  
"I am."  
  
"At the State Dinner we met with a guy from Indonesia, Rahmadi Sumahidji Bambang, about releasing my friend. He had been put into prison for teaching the students in Indonesia how to protest. Anyway, the guy was less than helpful and in the end I had to petition through the French, who in actual fact couldn't give a damn. Anyway, he was eventually released and now works alongside the French government."  
  
"And he heard the order?"  
  
"C.J., it was his job to hear the order. I mean, he didn't have to carry it out at all, he just heard it in the course of his day at work. Anyway, he felt that he owed me a favour."  
  
"For busting him out?"  
  
"For helping along his release, yes. Anyway, he wanted to help and he knew...he wanted to help."  
  
"And this guy's straight up? There's gonna be no come back?"  
  
"There can't be. Delacroix can't deny it, there were other people in the room who could testify to the same thing and if he does take direct action it's as good as an admission of guilt."  
  
"That really is great, Toby." Said Josh, grinning a broadly. There was something else that was playing on his mind, though and Toby could see the question that was on his lips as he tried to restrain himself from asking it.  
  
"Do you want to go see Sam?" Toby asked, his usually brusque manner now sympathetic.  
  
C.J. smiled to herself. She had noticed changes in their once prickly Communications Director, she could see that the thaw had started and the people alongside whom he was working had begun to penetrate. His tone had become increasingly warm, his manner a little more open and now he was more ready to listen and if at all possible to help and to understand more readily. He would now make time for things; for people. He may employ a façade of disdain and pretence that he really could care less about most things but the growing feelings inside of him were genuine.  
  
They were seeing Toby melt; they saw him organise the funeral for the homeless war veteran, he was the one that had found Josh at Rosslyn and had held him in his arms while they waited for help. His wanting to take responsibility and the consequences that went alongside cancelling the canopy at Rosslyn. He talks to C.J. about her father, something she doesn't talk to the others about. He listened to Sam's rants and they became Batman and Robin, even standing up for him when the picture with Laurie was released. The times he had helped Sam get over his writer's block, be it on an important initiative or something so simple as a birthday message. It was small things too, ordering lunch for Sam on Air Force One, not wanting his Deputy to skip a meal. Then there were the things that they would never know about, private moments that Toby would never share with them: how he longed to be a father and had done all manner of things to try to help Andi conceive including the numerous trips to the fertility clinics at the convenience of her reproductive system, the time he had wished the guy at the war memorial a Merry Christmas, the talk he had had with Justice Mendoza in a jail cell in Wesley, Connecticut, the tears he had shed in the Oval Office after the shooting when there was only him and the President.  
  
They had all broken his defences and she knew that would be much to his consternation, particularly because at times he even seemed human.  
  
They quietly went into the office next door so as not to disturb their sleeping young friend. He lay peacefully on the sofa breathing deeply. His face was still red and blotchy from his crying and it was easily recognisable as such but for the first time in a while his face looked relaxed; it was not screwed up with tension or a headache or any of the stresses he faced. They would not begrudge him what he needed the most, though it did not stop the three of them from standing over him, looking at him affectionately.  
  
"Oh. Doesn't he look so sweet?" asked C.J. biting her bottom lip, looking at Sam as a mother would a newborn child.  
  
"You do realise that he's an adult, right, C.J.?" asked Josh.  
  
"That I do, Josh. But wouldn't it be nice if he could just be a kid for a bit longer." Toby nodded his agreement. C.J. was right; they all knew that Sam had been forced to grow up quickly, none more painfully so than Toby, who had been Sam's confidant for that particular discussion.  
  
Sam began to stir in his sleep; he had been disturbed by the presence of the others in the room. He had felt them, sensed them and knew that they were near.  
  
"Hey, Spanky."  
  
"C.J.," Sam croaked. "Damn, I think I'm losing my voice."  
  
"I've been waiting for this day to come for the past...however long we've been working together." Sam smiled ruefully as his eyes made contact with Toby's, then he closed them wearily.  
  
"How're you doing, Sam?" asked Josh.  
  
"Okay, I guess."  
  
"You're still feeling bad?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"You need anything?" Josh asked, his brow furrowing in concern. It was very unlike Sam to just lie down while the others were in the room, never mind deigning to hold a conversation with them with his eyes shut.  
  
"No."  
  
"You're stopping with me tonight." Josh instructed. "I'm taking you home now."  
  
"No."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I've been thinking. I've had some time and I've been thinking."  
  
"Sounds dangerous, Spanky."  
  
"Could you do me a favour, please?" Sam asked, having difficulty keeping a firm grip on his voice.  
  
"Name it," Said Josh.  
  
"Do you think you could call Lex for me?"  
  
"Sure. I'll tell her you're not well and you're stopping with me."  
  
"No, Josh. I've sorted out a place to stay. I want you to call her and tell her that I'm away for work. I don't want her to worry."  
  
"Okay," Josh was unsure whether or not he should do this but he did not have the heart to not do what his friend wanted.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"Can I use your office?"  
  
"Sure. And can you do me another favour?"  
  
"What more could you possibly want, Sam?" asked Josh.  
  
"Can you keep your eye on her for me? I mean, I can't keep going round to check on her if I'm supposed to be somewhere else."  
  
"You think? Of course I will, Sam. Only thing remaining is: where would you like to go?"  
  
"Send me to Florida. I fancy some of the Miami sunshine."  
  
"Bismarck, North Dakota it is," Josh grinned. "I'll go make the call."  
  
"Thank you, Josh. I appreciate you doing this."  
  
"It's fine, Sam." Josh left the room and went into Sam's office to make the call.  
  
"You said you've got somewhere to stay, Sam?"  
  
"Yeah. I made a couple calls when the First Lady bought me back up."  
  
"You need a lift?"  
  
"No. I'm good, Toby."  
  
"Okay," Toby looked down at his pale deputy. "I hope you're going now. You look beat."  
  
"You don't need me?"  
  
"Seriously, Sam, what good are you gonna be like that?"  
  
"Very little?" Sam guessed.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"You positive you don't need a lift? Josh can take you if you do?"  
  
"Can he?" asked Josh as he came back into the room.  
  
"I have a memo to write, in case you'd forgotten!"  
  
"Yeah. I mean, I can take you," Josh said.  
  
"No. I'll be fine."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Are you driving yourself?" Josh asked a little worried.  
  
"Yes I am, and I will be fine." Sam replied as indignantly as he could, though his voice was scarcely able to maintain itself throughout.  
  
"I'll walk you to your car." Josh volunteered.  
  
So they left and Toby busied himself with the memo the President wanted later that day. C.J. stayed to help him but the most productive input she gave was thinking of lots of words that all mean the same thing.  
  
**Monday 17th November**  
  
Sam had had a miserable weekend. He'd had headaches, chills from his fever, he'd been tired and he had been sick. You name every flu-like symptom you could imagine; Sam had it. He was holed up in a hotel and did not intend to check out anytime soon. As he had lain there alone in the bed he had thought. He had thought more than he could ever remember thinking in his life.  
  
When he returned to work on Monday he was quiet and very subdued. Now Toby could concentrate fully, the France thing waiting for the next move from the other side, he could see Sam had become increasingly despondent and had spent the weekend becoming particularly introverted.  
  
Toby walked out into the Bullpen to see if there were any messages for him that needed to be dealt with. He stood and waited by Ginger's desk, waiting for her to finish on the phone.  
  
"I'm afraid I can't tell you when he'll be back...he can't be reached on his cell. I think he's in meetings, right now...O.K. Sorry Alex." Ginger put down the phone.  
  
"What was that?" Toby asked; he was very curious.  
  
"Alexandra, ringing for Sam."  
  
"Sam's in his office." Toby pointed out, stating what the two of them could see.  
  
"I know that."  
  
"Well, why did you say he wasn't here?" This was becoming very technical and confusing, even to the point of Toby resting his hand on his head while he rested the other on a hip.  
  
"Because he asked me to say that if she called."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I don't know. He just asked me to block calls from her. Perhaps he's still sick and doesn't want to go home until whatever it is he has, has totally cleared." Sam's weekend away was common knowledge amongst the Communications Staff.  
  
"Hmmm, maybe," Toby said but he sounded unconvinced crossing both of his hands behind his head. He would leave it for now and go have a word with Josh.  
  
Toby walked to Josh's Bullpen and as the door was open he went straight into the Deputy Chief of Staff's office. Josh was sitting sideways on to the door, working away on the computer.  
  
"Josh, can I have a word?"  
  
"Sure," Josh turned away from his computer and swivelled his chair to his place behind the desk.  
  
"It's about Sam."  
  
"Is he O.K.?" Josh leaned forward, his arms resting on the desk and his hands laced together.  
  
"I was hoping you could tell me." Toby slipped into one of Josh's desk chairs, leaning back, legs crossed.  
  
"What's wrong, Toby?"  
  
"He's got the assistants intercepting his calls from Alex. He won't take them."  
  
"Maybe he doesn't feel well enough to go home yet."  
  
"That's what Ginger said."  
  
"Well there you go." There was a pause in the conversation as Josh studied Toby's face. "You think there's something else?"  
  
"Yeah, it's just a feeling."  
  
"Give him time, Toby."  
  
**Monday 24th November**  
  
Sam had fully recovered from his bout of flu and seemed to have caught up on a lot of sleep as he was zapping about the West Wing as if nothing had ever happened. He had gone down for lunch in the Mess with Josh and Toby was enjoying the peace and quiet in the Bullpen, as it seemed all the assistants had decided to take the same opportunity to go to lunch at the same time, seeing as things were quiet. He heard a phone ringing, interrupting his concentration for writing the speech a President was going to give on the coming Thursday. He sighed, it was clear that there was no one out there to answer it so he went into the Bullpen to deal with it as quickly as possible.  
  
He snatched it up quickly, annoyed at the inconvenience. He had just gotten into his flow and if he was honest, he was reluctant to stop.  
  
"Hello?...Alexandra? It's Toby...What can I do for you?...Sam? What do you mean is he back yet?...From California?...he nev...Wait. Can I get back to you?...O.K. Bye." Toby slammed the phone down, "I'll kill him," he muttered, "I am absolutely going to kill him." Toby balled and slammed his fist down on Ginger's desk causing the objects that were on there to jump from their places.  
  
He marched down to the Mess. He was going to have this conversation with Sam and he was going to have it now, whether Sam wanted it or not.  
  
He walked down the stairs and as he got into the Mess proper he saw Sam and Josh sitting at a table together laughing quietly. C.J. was sitting at a table with her deputies, having an informal briefing-cum-pep talk.  
  
Toby stalked up to Sam and Josh's table.  
  
"I don't believe you Sam. I honest to God do not believe you!" Toby was seething.  
  
"Toby?" Josh stood up with his hands out passively, trying to placate thr irate man.  
  
"Sit down Josh," Toby instructed turning his attention to Sam. "How could you do that? I mean, how could you do that, Sam?"  
  
"Sam?" Josh cocked his eyebrow at Sam who remained quiet despite the barrage that was coming at him from Toby, "What did he do?"  
  
"He's not gone home."  
  
"Of course he's not gone home. He's meant to be working." Josh was beginning to think that Toby was beginning to burn out from working too hard.  
  
"No, Josh. He hasn't gone home, hasn't gone home to his partner, since he moved out the other week. You can't tell me that he's still sick. He's fine, he is perfectly fine. You can see it, I can see it, everybody in this damn room can see it." Toby's voice had peaked now and everyone in the room was looking at the three men. Josh looked amazed. Toby was glaring down at Sam, who was watching something on the table very closely. C.J. heard the furore; seeing the very public scene that Toby was creating, she went over to try and control the situation.  
  
"Toby?" she asked as she approached the group of men. Toby either didn't hear or chose to ignore the Press Secretary as he continued berating Sam.  
  
"I cannot believe that you actually did that."  
  
"Shall we go talk about this somewhere a little more quiet?" C.J. suggested.  
  
"Right here is good," Toby said, disregarding her totally. Toby did concede some however and sat down at the table, C.J. joining him. "Sam, how could you?" He asked more quietly.  
  
"You don't know Toby. You can't understand. Everything that I've been through. Everything I've had to put up with. The long hours here, having to stay awake to play nurse at home. I can't do it anymore. I just can't do it."  
  
"She still thinks you're in California, Sam. If you're gonna ditch her at least have the grace to tell her, don't just let her keep calling and then fobbing her off." This came out a little more bluntly than Toby had intended.  
  
"I can't take this anymore, Toby. I want my life to be normal again. When you thought something was wrong with Andi don't tell me you didn't want to run, ever. Tell me that you weren't overwhelmed, that you never wanted to call it a day if the worst was going to happen." Toby was angry now but neither Josh nor C.J. knew why; Sam mentioning his relationship with Andi pushed buttons in Toby that was provoking an extreme reaction. "You would have found the fastest way out of the situation that was humanly possible."  
  
"I would have stood by her Sam. I WOULD have been there for her. I would have stood by her." Toby bit back any further remarks he wanted to make and quickly exited the room, "Fix this Josh!" he spat back over his shoulder.  
  
"I'll go after him," C.J. said drawing herself up, leaving Josh and Sam alone once more as she went after Toby.  
  
She had never seen Toby react like that about anything before and that made her more than a little worried. As such, she left the Mess nearly as rapidly as the Communications Director.  
  
"What are you doing Sam?" Josh asked, sadly shaking his head.  
  
"It's reached the point where I just couldn't handle it any more. I'm sorry Josh."  
  
"It's okay, man." Josh got up from his seat and moved to the empty chair on the other side of the table, next to Sam and put his hand on his shoulder.  
  
"I'm so sorry. I'm a terrible person. I shouldn't have done it, I know, but it seemed like such an easiest way...for me I mean. I was confused and scared and I didn't think about what she was feeling."  
  
"You didn't think she wouldn't notice when you didn't come home?"  
  
"I was stupid." Sam ducked his head down from the combination of shame and embarrassment, Josh tightened the grip he had on Sam's shoulder in response to the despondency of the younger man.  
  
"You were, but Sam, what were you thinking?"  
  
"I guess, it was...well it was like:  
  
_No more questions,   
Please.   
No more tests.   
Comes the day you say   
"What for?"   
Please – no more. ...  
  
No more riddles.   
No more jests.   
No more curses you can't undo,   
Left by fathers you never knew.   
No more quests.  
  
No more feelings.   
Time to shut the door.   
Just – no more. ...  
  
No more giants   
Waging war.   
Can't we just pursue our lives   
With our children and our wives?   
Till that happy day arrives,   
How do you ignore   
All the witches,   
All the curses,   
All the wolves, all the lies,   
The false hopes, the goodbyes   
The reverses,   
All the wondering what even worse is   
Still in store?  
  
All the children...   
All the giants...  
  
No more.  
  
[Excerpts from 'No More' from 'Into The Woods' by Stephen Sondheim, 1987]._  
  
"Do you understand?"  
  
"I do. So does Toby, really. I don't know what it was you said that made him go like that," Josh waved his hands about expansively, "but something really got to him. I think you really upset him. I mean, what were you talking about anyway?"  
  
"It doesn't matter. I should go apologise to him."  
  
"Give him and C.J. a little while, O.K.? I can think of someone else you maybe ought to apologise to, though."  
  
"Lex?" Sam suggested.  
  
"Good guess."  
  
"Okay. You'll cover me while I go round there?"  
  
"I've covered for you when you've not been round there; I think I can manage this." Josh grinned. "Go put it right, Sam."  
  
"Thanks, man." Sam rushed off while Josh finished his coffee.  
  
X X X  
  
C.J. found Toby back in his office. As she was entering the Bullpen she heard the door slam and knew she was taking her life into her hands yet she knew she ought to go to Toby, he would be there for her after all.  
  
She knocked gently on the door and walked through. Toby was standing looking out the window, his hands crossed behind his head. She walked into the office and quietly closed the door behind her. She stood near the door and spoke tentatively to her friend, breaking the echoing silence in the small office.  
  
"Toby?" Toby didn't turn around, though he moved his hands. He wrapped one tightly around him and put the other over his face. "Toby?" C.J. tried again, she walked up to him and turned him around to face her. She saw the look of heartbreak in his eyes; he had been betrayed. She guided him around the room to the sofa and sat him down taking a seat next to him. C.J. had known Toby for a long time but never had she seen him this hurt. What Sam had said to him had cut him to the core.  
  
"I can't believe he said that, C.J." Toby said quietly and simply.  
  
"I know." She really didn't but she needed Toby to trust her, to feel able to talk to her.  
  
"I mean, I know I'm not the warmest person but I had hoped that he thought more of me than that, that he thought I was capable of such a thing...that I could be that cold...It cut me, you know. What he said hurt me; it really hurt."  
  
"I know, Toby, but he didn't mean it."  
  
"He thought it though. There must be some thing that planted the thought."  
  
"He's under a lot of pressure Toby. It's too much for anyone to take in and deal with. I'm sure he didn't mean it."  
  
"I know, but at that moment, he hurt me and he did it on purpose; it's not like Sam, I know...I love that kid, C.J., I mean I love you all and I know I don't show it, but I do. I love you and Josh and I love Sam and I love you all more than I ever thought I could love or trust anyone, and C.J., if you tell the others that I swear to God that I am going to deny all knowledge of this conversation." She smiled warmly.  
  
She knew how much that admission had cost Toby and she could see that he too had been under pressure of late. He had been shouldering a lot of Sam's work as well as his own, not to mention he had been the main fielder on the France issue. She also knew that he had been worried about Sam; about how he was handling the whole thing, whether he got enough rest, whether he was taking proper care of himself, making sure that Sam could come and go if he needed time and he always made sure he was free if Sam ever wanted to talk, no matter how deep or inconsequential the topic.  
  
They had all tried to help Sam and had all been concerned about him but it was always Toby who ended up staying after hours, living on coffee; sometimes even sleeping on the couch in his office. When he had gotten home it had been late and he had always been in for a very early start the next morning, leaving him little time to draw breath, let alone sleep.  
  
It was now Toby's turn to be pushing the bounds of exhaustion, something he had successfully managed to keep at bay for so long; but Sam's betrayal had been the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, so C.J. decided that she would do some counselling of her own.  
  
He thought the others didn't know about his extra hours, the extra worry; he always looked harried and he assumed that they would just think it was normal. While it is true that Leo and Josh hadn't noticed, their minds both elsewhere, C.J. had. Though she knew Toby best of all them, she was afraid to talk to him, afraid to comfort him and help him; afraid that Toby wasn't as strong and impenetrable as they all relied on him to be.  
  
"What was he talking about Toby, about you and Andi?" Toby sighed. He figured C.J. had heard one half of the story; she wasn't stupid and she could put two and two together to make four, so he told her. He told her about the lump Andi had found on her breast, the wait for the tests and the wait for the results. He told her about how lonely he felt, how he had been unable to talk to anybody about it and how he had cried when he had been alone in his office or shut in their bathroom. C.J. was shocked; she could never imagine Toby being so completely affected, so deeply immersed that he would shut himself away and cry. She knew he got frustrated at times but she had never expected to hear a story like that coming from their Toby Ziegler. "I'm sorry Toby. I never knew."  
  
"Of course you didn't," he shrugged. "I told him because I thought it might make Sam feel less alone than I did; that there are people here who care for him and that we do understand." C.J. smiled, "What?" Toby was glaring a bit now.  
  
"You really are very sweet sometimes, you know. That was just about the saddest story I ever heard," she drawled. "Come here and give me a hug." To her surprise, he did. As friends do, C.J. offered Toby all the support she could give and for once Toby accepted it gratefully.  
  
Neither heard the soft knock and the door opening. Nor did they know that anyone else was in the room until the new arrival cleared his throat.  
  
C.J. and Toby pulled away from their hug but C.J kept a firm grip of Toby's hand so that he knew that she was there for him and that she understood, as they turned their attention to Josh.  
  
"Sorry," Josh looked embarrassed, "Sam's going round to see Lex."  
  
"Good," said Toby, quietly.  
  
"He didn't mean what he said, you know. Everything's got a bit too much for him."  
  
Josh stayed hovering near the door. He did not want not cross any invisible line of demarcation and he was plainly uncomfortable. Perhaps even more so, C.J. thought, than when he was being grilled in the Press Room about the President's secret plan to fight inflation.  
  
"I understand, Josh. Hard as it is to believe, I really do. Now if you're gonna stay in here sit your ass down somewhere, 'cos your hovering's really starting to bother me."  
  
Josh obliged. 


	9. I'd Rather Leave While I'm In Love

**Rainbow's End: 'I'd Rather Leave While I'm In Love' 9/11  
  
I'D RATHER LEAVE WHILE I'M IN LOVE**  
  
Sam arrived at his apartment in record time, despite a stop on the way. He was about to unlock the door and go in but it felt wrong, so he knocked and waited. He knew it would take Alexandra a moment to get to the door so he waited but he vowed to himself that if she wasn't there by a slow count to twenty he was entering anyway.  
  
This contingency proved to be redundant, however as he heard the latch being drawn and the door opening. Alex was surprised to see Sam standing in front of her.  
  
"Sam? I thought you were in California."  
  
"Yeah. I need to talk to you about that."  
  
"O.K." Alex looked doubtful, then she realised that he was still standing outside. "Sam? Do you maybe wanna come in?"  
  
"Yeah. Thanks." He said. He walked in and sat down on a chair while Alexandra sat down on the sofa, where there was a book resting on the arm: 'Mansfield Park'. "You're reading that?" Sam asked nodding toward the book.  
  
"Yeah. I think I've already finished every other book I own, some of them several times."  
  
"I thought you refused to read that book."  
  
"I did refuse to read that book when I was at high school."  
  
"You know, you are the only person I know that could actually pass a Literature exam and do well without actually having read any of the books the exam was on."  
  
"What can I say? It's a gift! Besides, I read some of the books."  
  
"You read two plays and you read the Chaucer."  
  
"I read The Great Gatsby too."  
  
"You told me you read that before you studied it."  
  
"I did, still read it though."  
  
"Yes, but on the other hand you didn't read 'To Kill A Mockingbird', 'Paradise Lost', 'A Passage To India' or the aforementioned."  
  
"I think you should know then, that I have now rectified that."  
  
"Good." Sam took a deep breath. It was time to talk about something he didn't want to. "I asked Josh to cover for me, and Ginger and Bonnie when I was sick..."  
  
"You were sick?"  
  
"I was a little sick." Sam said quickly, trying to trivialise things.  
  
"Oh no."  
  
"Any how, I couldn't stop here, so I booked myself into a hotel and told them to cover for me."  
  
"Why didn't you come home, Sam? You could've come here."  
  
"I couldn't. You'd not long been out of the hospital after the transfusion and I couldn't...anyway, when I was at the hotel I lots of time to think and all I could think of was myself. You know, I wasn't going to come back."  
  
"What?" Alexandra was surprised. "I thought you were taking meetings in California."  
  
"That's what I asked Josh to tell you, well I actually told him Florida but he obviously got lost somewhere along the way..." Sam was gabbling.  
  
"You mean you weren't."  
  
"You have to understand, Lex. I was scared. I am scared. Really scared. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone and the thought of losing you hurt me so much. I thought it would be easier if I just left. Easier for me at any rate."  
  
"Sam, you were just gonna leave?"  
  
"I was. And I'm so sorry.  
  
_I'd rather leave while I'm in love   
While I still believe   
The meaning of the word   
I'll keep my dreams and just pretend   
That you and I were never meant to end  
  
Too many times I've seen the rose die on the vine   
Somebody's heart gets broken   
Usually it's mine I don't want to take the chance of being hurt again   
And you and I   
Can't say goodbye  
  
So if you wake and find me gone   
Hey babe, just carry on   
You see I need my fantasy   
I still believe it's best to leave while I'm in love  
  
Too many times I've seen the rose die on the vine   
Somebody's heart gets broken, usually it's mine   
I don't want to take the chance of being hurt again   
And you and I can't say goodbye  
  
So if you wake and find me gone   
Hey babe, just carry on   
You see I need my fantasy I still believe   
It's best to leave while I'm in love   
It's best to leave while I'm in love   
I'd rather leave while I'm in love  
  
['I'd Rather Leave While I'm In Love' by Peter Allen]  
_  
"And do you still feel like that?" Alexandra broached nervously.  
  
"I should have told you what I was thinking, not just gone letting Josh and Ginger and Bonnie keep lying to you." Sam took another deep breath. "You know, if it hadn't been for Toby, I don't think I'd be here now. He found out what I was doing and he came to talk, came to kick my ass."  
  
"Good for him."  
  
"I don't know how he found out."  
  
"I called the office, it was him that answered."  
  
"Ah. Anyway, I said some things that I know upset him so if I can get on apologising and what an idiot I am to you then I can go do the same to him."  
  
"You upset Toby? Sam, you must have said something really bad."  
  
"I did. But I'm not here to talk about that right now. I'm here to try to make things better between us and admit what an ass I've been."  
  
"Well, I'd get on with it, then." Alexandra looked at him expectantly.  
  
"Oh. Yeah. I'm sorry."  
  
"Good then. Let's move on."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Sam, if you want to be free I'll stand aside. It would perhaps be better for the both of us we finished this now. It was wrong of me to impose myself and my condition on you, I mean we hardly knew each other when we got the diagnosis; I shouldn't have asked you to commit to something that would soon enough be over...You've already done more than you needed to. I can't ask you to stop your life and put it on hold for me. I think you might be right, it would be best for both of us if we call it a day now, it's my fault and I'm sorry, so very, very sorry. I love you, Sam, so I'll let you go."  
  
"Damn. You couldn't have told me that sooner." Sam joked, Alexandra looked up at him and he reached his hand out to her.  
  
"Well if you'd told me how you felt; that you wanted to go..." She couldn't get was Sam was finding so amusing.  
  
"No. I meant before I went shopping."  
  
"Why? D'you get me chocolates?" Now she understood, Sam was making an affirmation: he had chosen to stay with her.  
  
"No."  
  
"Flowers?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Well, then, what..."  
  
"I got you this." Sam's hand dipped into his jacket pocket and pulled out a small box. "I'd like to come back, if you'll take me?" He said.  
  
"Sam? Of course I'll take you. I mean, if nothing else this is your apartment."  
  
"No this is our apartment, and I want you to have this." Sam gave the box to Alexandra. She flicked some hair from her face and opened the box slowly. She was curious to know what was in there.  
  
"Sam!" she exclaimed.  
  
"It's an eternity ring." It was a gold ring inset with rubies. The rubies alternated with little open hearts, ruby, heart, ruby, heart, all the way around.  
  
"I can see...I mean, why?"  
  
"I did want to get an engagement ring but I thought that might be inappropriate given my recent...thing. I just wanted you to know that I love you, I guess, and that I'll always love you. Forever."  
  
"That's very sweet Sam. But I can't take this."  
  
"Sure you can." Sam thought for a moment. "This doesn't fall into the same category as getting you a five year diary would, does it?"  
  
"No. God, Sam, no. I mean... I don't know what I mean."  
  
"I got a ruby one 'cos that's your birth stone. The birth stone for July is ruby."  
  
"You know that how?"  
  
"I know these things."  
  
"O.K."  
  
"You'll wear it?"  
  
"I would love to." To show her commitment to this particular cause she took it from the box and began to put it on the ring finger of her left hand, Sam stopped her and finished off placing the ring.  
  
"And you'll take me back?" He smiled a smile that would melt anyone and was irresistible.  
  
"I hadn't let you go." Sam took her in his arms and they held each other tightly. 


	10. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

**Rainbow's End: 'Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas' 10/11  
  
HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS  
  
24th December**  
  
"Sam, shouldn't you be going now?" Toby called through from his office to Sam inside his own.  
  
"Just tidying up a few things, Toby, then I'm gone."  
  
"O.K. Good then." Sam finished throwing a few papers his desk into his briefcase, then his search progressed to the contents of his desk drawer. He ferreted through all the papers he encountered but stopped in his tracks when he reached the bottom drawer. He had just caught sight of the letter he had written months before; the letter to the beautiful and vibrant woman he had met in Lafayette. He looked at it a moment, then slipped it into his briefcase. His things all packed, he walked into the office next door to speak to Toby before he went home for Christmas.  
  
Toby saw Sam come into the room and sit down on his sofa so he looked up to see what his Deputy wanted.  
  
"Sam, everything O.K.?"  
  
"I wanted to thank you."  
  
"Thank me? For what?"  
  
"For everything you've done for me this year. I know that I've not been in the best place...I wanted to say I appreciate what you've done. I got you something." Toby looked surprised.  
  
"Why? I mean, Sam, I'm Jewish, I don't do Christmas."  
  
"Well call it a thank you then." Sam put a beautifully wrapped something that he had rescued from his briefcase in front of Toby on his desk.  
  
"Thank you, Sam." Sam leaned back on the sofa and made himself comfortable. "Sam? Shouldn't you be going?"  
  
"I should but I want to talk to you."  
  
"O.K." said Toby, his brow furrowed. "Everything's O.K. though, right?"  
  
"It's close, Toby. It's not gonna be long. We both know that."  
  
"You're ready?"  
  
"As I can be. We just want to make this Christmas special."  
  
"Good for you, making it special for her."  
  
"She's making it special for me too, Toby."  
  
"Well, sure, being together."  
  
"No. I mean, when I was here late the other day, stuck in meetings about, well, some of them I'm not entirely sure, with any Tom, Dick and Harry who felt like putting in their ten cents worth, weighing in."  
  
"You can't help but love 'Big Block of Cheese Day'", Toby interrupted.  
  
"Anyway, when I got home she'd been busy all day. She had decorated. She'd been out and gotten a tree that she'd decorated. There were streamers and stars, I mean, I don't think that I have ever seen my place look so festive. There is mistletoe and holly, there's even a proper Christmas wreath on the door, (which I did object to, but Lex seemed to think it was a good idea), there are poinsettias all over. There's a crib scene on the mantel piece and scented candles and pot pourrie all smelling of spice. She even made mulled wine and egg nog. She went to a lot of trouble and we both want to have a proper Christmas."  
  
"That's nice."  
  
"It really is. She was exhausted when she'd finished but she wanted it to look nice, she wanted for it to be like Christmas. The best Christmas ever."  
  
"And does it?"  
  
"It really does."  
  
"You'd better get home, then."  
  
"I should."  
  
"Enjoy your Christmas, Sam."  
  
"You too." Sam said as he grabbed his briefcase, shrugged into his coat and left the Bullpen. "Merry Christmas everyone!" he yelled.  
  
X X X  
  
He let himself into the apartment.  
  
"I'm home." He called. He took off his coat and hung it on the hook by the door, alongside Alex's winter coat. He kicked off his shoes and picked them up, carrying them into the sitting room. Alexandra was sitting on a couch in a warm jumper, snuggled into the corner. She looked very pale and fragile. "You O.K.?" Sam walked up to her and kissed the top of her head. "You're cold?" he asked seeing the way she was wrapped up.  
  
"A little, I guess."  
  
"I'll get you a blanket." Sam walked to the laundry closet and grabbed a blanket. He draped it over Alexandra and told her to budge forward so he could slip in behind her. She leaned back against his chest and nestled in his arms. "I would have been back sooner, but I wanted to give the thing to Toby."  
  
"What did he say?"  
  
"He didn't open it."  
  
"I wanted to know if he liked it."  
  
"Well, I'll find out for you next time I see him."  
  
"You make sure you do."  
  
"Wanna see if there's a movie on?"  
  
"O.K." Sam reached behind him and grabbed the television's remote. He pointed it at the screen and hit a button, sending a surge of power to the set. Sam flicked through a few channels; past a couple of action flicks: 'Speed' and 'Swordfish'; a musical: 'Seven Brides For Seven Brothers' and a couple of old films: 'The Philadelphia Story' and 'Sunset Boulevard'. "I want to watch the one with the seven good looking men please, Sam." Alex said.  
  
"I don't think that's a good idea. I don't like the sound of all the competition! I think we should watch this one." Sam said flicking the channel up to 'Serendipity'.  
  
"John Cussack? Excellent, that's even better!" Sam groaned but they decided to stick with the film. He needn't have worried though, it wasn't very long before Alexandra had fallen asleep in his arms.  
  
Sam was pinned to the couch, so he watched the end of the film and then dozed off where he was. He woke up periodically but always managed to doze off, though he only slept lightly and sporadically.  
  
At about 7 in the morning on December 25th, he felt Alexandra moving in his arms. She's was trying to extract herself but the movement did not wake Sam. What woke Sam was the movement that he could feel about him. He forced himself to wake up to see what was going on, his chest cold now from Alex's having moved. He blinked sleepily.  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"No. It's fine." Sam stretched.  
  
"I needed the bathroom."  
  
"That's O.K." Alexandra glanced at the clock.  
  
"Shouldn't you be at work?" She sat next to him on the sofa.  
  
"No. I have the day off."  
  
"You do, well, that's great."  
  
"Alex, do you know what day it is?"  
  
"Thursday?"  
  
"Al, it's Christmas day?"  
  
"It is?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"You're kidding."  
  
"No."  
  
"O.K. I have a present for you."  
  
"You do?"  
  
"I do." She got up and walked slowly and painfully to the bedroom and retrieved something, neatly wrapped in shiny silver paper. She also rescued a couple of smaller boxes from various places around the room. Doing that spent much of the energy she had gained from the long sleep she had just had and she sat down on the sofa next to Sam, moving the blanket to one side. Grim determination got her through. "Go ahead. Open them."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"I want to see you open them."  
  
"O.K." Sam carefully tore the paper making sure he didn't rip any of it. In one of the parcels was a wrist watch. It had a very elegant face and had Sam's monogram on the black face.  
  
"Thank you." He said and leaned in to give her a kiss. Alexandra pulled away and thrust another package into his hands. Sam repeated the process with the other parcels until there was only one left. Sam had gotten a compass, for when he was on his boat, beautifully ornate and very practical too, Sam thought. There was a small teddy and an array of other things but what was in the last parcel intrigued Sam.  
  
He ripped open the paper, unable to wait. Inside was a silver frame and in the frame was a shot of the two of them, taken on the 4th of July in happier times. On the frame there was an engraving: 'I am unworthy of your love'.  
  
"It's perfect." Sam smiled. This time she accepted Sam's kiss and embrace but the moment was interrupted by a yawn that escaped. "I think you should go to bed." She smiled and nodded sadly. Sam helped her stand but she was exhausted and had difficulty moving, so he scooped her up and carried her into the bedroom. She was asleep by the time Sam had put her on the bed and pulled the comforter up over her. "Stay there. I'll go put dinner in the oven. Merry Christmas." He swept her fringe from her forehead and kissed the top of her head affectionately as he had done many times before then went out into the kitchen to try and negotiate the turkey and the oven.  
  
He forced the bird in at all bizarre angles and finally achieved success, though he was doubtful about how well it would cook. Once the turkey was dealt with and the vegetables done Sam sat on the sofa and flicked through the usual Christmas films; 'Miracle on 34th Street' (both versions), 'White Christmas', 'The Christmas Shoes' (so sad he abandoned after only five minutes) 'It's A Wonderful Life' and several versions of 'A Christmas Carol'. He soon got fed up and was grateful when lunchtime came. Sam got up from the sofa and went to look in on Alex. Her breathing was shallow and her complexion ashen; Sam did not have the heart to disturb her, so went and made himself a sandwich. Dinner could wait. Alex was still asleep after dinner so Sam decided to use the time to read some of the reports he had brought home. He spread the pages over the coffee table and the sofa, the place looking like a bomb had hit it.  
  
At about four in the afternoon Sam heard some movement coming from the bedroom so he got up and went to see what it was. Alex was fidgeting in bed trying to get comfortable, though she was unable to pull herself up properly.  
  
"Stay where you are." Sam instructed and moved to help her move up the bed. "Are you hungry?"  
  
"A little." She nodded. Sam could see she was frustrated as a rogue tear escaped from the corner of her high. Also in pain, too, Sam guessed.  
  
"You're in pain."  
  
"A little."  
  
"I'll go make you some soup and bring you some Tylenol."  
  
"Thank you." She smiled weakly. Sam squeezed her hand and went to the kitchen. A few minutes later he returned with a bowl of soup on a tray and a glass of water with a couple pills.  
  
Alexandra hardly touched the soup but she drank the water and took the pills then leaned back into the mountain of pillows again. Sam took the tray with the scarcely touched soup into the kitchen and washed the bowl and moved to spend the rest of the afternoon in the bedroom with the files he had yet to read.  
  
The turkey abandoned, Sam sat next to Alex on the bed and stretched out his legs so they were side by side. His glasses rested on the end of his nose as he sat there reading, pen in hand. Alexandra slept most of the afternoon but there were times when she was awake and could manage brief conversations.  
  
Alexandra seemed a little better at about ten thirty at night and was talking quietly to Sam. He put the reports he was going through back into the briefcase and decided that he too would get into bed. They could spend the rest of the night lying close to one another. He went to the bathroom and took a quick shower and made his way to the bedroom, his wet hair in disarray. Before he got into the bed he went round and turned the phones off, keeping only his pager with him (which he had on vibrate mode). If something that urgent came up at work he knew that he would be paged and there was no point in leaving the phones on with their potential to disturb what would be a very private and personal time.  
  
He got in beside Alex and they were both lying next to each other in bed by eleven but not before Sam had put on a CD of Christmas songs to play quietly in the background. The music gave the room a very intimate atmosphere. Sam took Alexandra into his arms as they laid back and talked comfortably and quietly when she was able and when she was not they simply laid there enjoying the intimacy of each others company and closeness.  
  
"You know that I love you, right?" Sam said.  
  
"Of course I do...Sam I wanted to thank you."  
  
"Why? I haven't done anything."  
  
"You stood by me and you didn't have to. The past few months that we've been together have probably been the happiest of my life. I feel bad, soon we're going to be apart from each other, I know it will have its own release, you're friends will be with you and I'll be with my Mom and Dad again...I never knew my Mom I mean, I never felt hard done by, my Dad was great, he gave me everything I could ever have needed but now hopefully...I'll get to meet my Mom and stay with her. For the first time ever, my whole family will be together."  
  
"Don't talk like that, please."  
  
"It's almost time for me to move on now, the last part of the journey's beginning..."  
  
"Please," Sam took her hand and kissed the back of it, over and over.  
  
"You gave up a lot to be with me, a large portion of your life for these past few months; you didn't leave me alone, I appreciate it."  
  
"That's because I love you." Sam began to feel the tears building behind his eyes and he knew that Alexandra would not be that far behind.  
  
"No Sam. A lot of people would have run at the first sign of trouble but you stood by me and for that I am very grateful."  
  
"No one has ever made me feel as special as you've done. I've never felt like this about anyone else."  
  
"I don't want to go, Sam. I don't want to leave you..."  
  
"I don't want you to go. Lexie, I don't want to lose you."  
  
"Move on. I don't want this to take over your life, I'll be gone."  
  
"How can it not? I love you so much. You've been such a big part of my life."  
  
"You've made me happy."  
  
"Don't leave me."  
  
"I don't want to." She gasped, she was feeling more pain.  
  
"You want more Tylenol?"  
  
"No. Please don't leave me alone."  
  
"I won't. I'm going to stay with you." Sam held her tightly to him.  
  
"It won't be long now."  
  
"Don't talk like that. Don't leave me yet."  
  
"You'll be free."  
  
"I don't want to be. I don't want you to die. I'd give anything, anything at all for even just a little more time."  
  
"Nothing can hurt anymore."  
  
"There'll be no more pain. It'll all be gone. You'll be safe." Sam soothed, talking into her hair.  
  
"Hold me." She rasped.  
  
"I am holding you."  
  
"Hold me tighter." Sam obliged as Alexandra struggled for breath.  
  
"I'm here."  
  
"Samuel Norman Seaborn, I love you."  
  
Alexandra closed her eyes and Sam could feel her breathing get more and more shallow as she lay against him. He rocked her gently from side to side to soothe her, talking to her with comforting words, running his hand through her hair; keeping her close.  
  
The stereo continued to play in the background as they lay together. Alexandra's breathing was becoming noticeably more shallow and costing more and more effort.  
  
Christmas future is far away Christmas past is past Christmas present is here today Bringing joy that will last  
  
_Have yourself a merry little Christmas   
Let your heart be light   
Next year all our troubles will be out of sight   
Have yourself a merry little Christmas   
Make the yuletide gay   
Next year all our troubles will be miles away  
  
Here we are as in olden days   
Happy golden days of yore   
Faithful friends who are dear to us   
Will be near to us once more  
  
Someday soon we all will be together   
If the fates allow   
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough   
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now  
  
_Sam could feel that Alex's breaths had dwindled and weakened until they had gone. Stopped.  
  
He glanced at the clock: 0.01. It was Boxing Day. They had had their Christmas together.  
  
Sam reached for her left hand under the covers and held it tightly, reluctant to let go. His fingers felt their way through her fingers until he found her ring finger; it was bare. Sam felt about frantically not wanting to let go of Alex for even a moment, now only a shell. As he searched he eased her off him and felt the tears run down his face. The more frantically he searched the faster the tears fell. He scrambled to the nightstand, desperate now, searching through the drawers until he found what he was looking for: the box complete with ring. He sat on the bed looking at it then threw the box against the wall, pulled his knees up to his chin and rested his head on them.  
  
_Someday soon we all will be together   
If the fates allow   
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough   
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now  
_  
He wrapped one arm around his knees while the other ran restlessly through his hair. He used his sleeve to wipe away the tears that were on his face with a certain aggression but they were only replaced by new ones. He reached for Alex's hand again not willing to let go.  
  
He did not know how long he sat there, all he could do was cry. So much so that he did not do any of the things he was supposed to before exhaustion overtook him and he fell asleep.  
  
He awoke early the next morning, disorientated at first, awaking next to the body and began to call people; the funeral home, the Doctor, his parents. He was beginning to feel a little more in control.  
  
Before anyone arrived from the funeral home Sam went to the box that sat there on the floor and opened it. He took the ring out and tenderly put it on Alexandra's finger.  
  
"I love you." He whispered. Then everyone came at once and the haven of peace was shattered as the world slowed down. 


	11. Only The Good Die Young

**Rainbow's End: 'Only The Good Die Young' 11/11  
  
ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG  
  
26th December 8.27am**  
  
Dr. Schumann had just left, having chosen to deal with the case of this remarkable and brave young woman himself and Sam was finishing off with the people from the funeral home when his pager went off, with a message to get to work, a.s.a.p. A part of Sam wondered what had gone wrong and why he was needed while another part of him wanted to crawl into a hole and pull it in after him. He was thinking about calling in to find out when he was distracted:  
  
"We're all done here now, Mr. Seaborn. Is there anything special you would like for her to be laid out in?" asked the woman from the funeral home. There was something strangely maternal and comforting that Sam saw in her, though specific details failed to register; it did not serve to clear his mind and focus it on the things at hand.  
  
"I don't..." He went to the closet and flicked through a couple outfits. He pulled one out, not knowing if it was a good choice or not. "This is good, I guess." He shrugged.  
  
"O.K. Thank you." She took the clothes from him gently and put her hand on his forearm. "We'll take her now and we'll get her all laid out and then you can come by and see her later."  
  
"When...excuse me. When can I see her?"  
  
"We could give you a call."  
  
"I don't know where I'll be. I might not be able to have my cell on."  
  
"O.K. Well, I think that you should be fine stopping by after about two o'clock. I'll make sure that she's ready for then."  
  
"Thank you." Sam smiled weakly as he saw them begin to remove the body. It all seemed very surreal. So much so, in fact, that when the room had cleared Sam sat down on the sofa, pulling his feet up too and rested his head a few moments, completely forgetting about the page from the White House that told him to get there as soon as possible...

* * *

The Senior Staff were gathered in the Chief of Staff's office, where Leo McGarry was pacing up and down, very highly strung. Josh was sitting on the sofa next to C.J. while Toby sat on one of the chairs from around the table.  
  
"Where is he?" Leo demanded. They had just received a message from France and Leo was eager to move on, things were about to be sorted, he could tell but he was worried that things would suddenly go wrong, that things could swell to create an international incident if they did not act immediately. To add to his tension there was also his disgruntlement created by the ruination of his Christmas break.  
  
"I don't know, Leo." Josh said.  
  
"He was paged?"  
  
"Yeah. I had Donna do it."  
  
"Margaret!" Leo bellowed while the others cringed. Margaret came into Leo's office.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Call Sam."  
  
"Didn't Donna page him already?" Margaret asked, her brow furrowed as she tried to remember whether she should have done it and forgotten. She was certain she hadn't, though.  
  
"She did, but he has not, as yet, decided to get his ass over here."  
  
"O.K. Do you want me to call his home number or his cell?"  
  
"I'll tell you what. Call them both. As many times as you have to until he either shows up here or answers his damn phone."  
  
"Yes sir." Margaret said as she left the room to do her Leo's bidding. She couldn't help but feel a little sorry for Sam. All the assistants had something of a soft-spot for him and she felt guilty for leaving threatening messages for him at the behest of a very irate Leo.  
  
"Something could be wrong. He could be sick again." Josh attempted to placate. "Maybe something's come up."  
  
"Something that stops him from following an order from the Office of the President of the United States?" Josh shrugged.  
  
"It's not like him, Leo," C.J. said, worried. "something must be wrong for him not to be in yet, not without even calling." C.J. was silenced by the glare the Chief of Staff afforded her.  
  
"You know anything, Toby?" Leo asked, shifting his attention from the two Staffers on the sofa.  
  
"It may be Alexandra."  
  
"That's not happening yet, is it?"  
  
"He told me that she was bad the other day. Christmas Eve he told me that he didn't think that she had long left."  
  
"It can't be that Toby. Not long left doesn't mean just a day. I mean, it can't." C.J. said her voice showing some disbelief. Toby looked at a spot on the carpet, unwilling to commit to a further answer but with a very unsettled feeling in the pit of his stomach.

* * *

Sam stirred on the sofa and looked around for the time. He saw the clock on the VCR: 10.12. Sam sat bolt upright as he saw the time and thought back, he knew there was something that he should be doing, somewhere he should be. Then it hit him. He had been paged by the White House. They needed him to go in. Sam began to panic. He ran into his room and grabbed a suit from his closet and a shirt, grabbed them and went into the bathroom and had a shower. He threw on his clothes, grabbed his shoes from where he had left them two nights previously and left the house at full pelt, not even bothering to comb his hair.

* * *

**10.54  
**  
"There's still no answer, Leo." Margaret said. "Neither his cell or his landline.  
  
"I'll fire his ass!" Leo said in a brusque manner. "I am going to fire his ass!"  
  
"Leo..." Margaret attempted to soothe the savage beast.  
  
"We contacted him hours ago, Margaret. Hours! What? He can't find a phone? He can't remember how to use one? He got lost..." Leo's tirade was interrupted by a ringing phone coming from Margaret's office. She left the Chief of Staff's office and went to her desk to answer it. She picked up the receiver and was caught in a brief exchange with the person at the other end.  
  
"He is?...O.K. Thanks. I'll tell him." Margaret hung up the phone and went back into Leo's office, though not before taking a deep breath. "That was Toby."  
  
"And?" Leo said impatiently, wishing that for once, just for once his assistant would get straight to the point. He figured that she was almost as bad as Donna for procrastination, then he thought again. As distracted as Margaret could be at times she could never procrastinate or digress as much as Donna did.  
  
"Sam's in."  
  
"Call Toby back and tell him to get Sam's ass in here right now."  
  
"Sure." Margaret called back the White House Director of Communications. She returned a moment later.  
  
"He said no."  
  
"He said what?" Leo's voice was brittle a consequence of tardiness from Sam and insubordination from Toby. "I'll fire the lot of them. The whole of Communications." He muttered as he stalked off.  
  
X X X  
  
As soon as he arrived Sam went straight to Toby's office. Josh was in there, too. C.J. would be joining them in a few minutes once she had been to her office and been through the current press response with Carol should any questions come in.  
  
"Sam, where've you been?" Toby asked.  
  
"You know, Leo nearly had a coronary. In fact, I still don't think that it's entirely out of the question."  
  
"I'm sorry." Sam apologised. "I'm sorry to be late. Something came up."  
  
"Everything O.K. Sam?" Toby questioned.  
  
"I think... no," Sam decided on a firm answer. "No. She died."  
  
"She died?" Josh asked, he was answered with a glare from Toby.  
  
"I'm so sorry, Sam. Do you want to sit down?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
Josh, from his position on Toby's sofa grabbed Sam's hand and pulled him round to sit beside him. For his part, Sam was adamant that he was not going to cry anymore, at least he was not going to cry in the White House, he would wait until he was alone. The others had already worried too much about him.  
  
Toby went out into the Bullpen momentarily, catching sight of Ginger he beckoned her over. He spoke to her quietly.  
  
"Can you call Leo's office for me and tell him that Sam's arrived and then can you go get him a glass of water or something."  
  
"Is he O.K.?" asked the Communications aide, very concerned.  
  
"Alexandra died."  
  
"Poor Sam."  
  
"Yeah, if you could just, you know..."  
  
"Sure." She nodded and set about the tasks Toby had just given her while he returned to his office. He was just about to go through the door when he caught sight of C.J. coming toward him across the Bullpen, her long legs covering the ground quickly.  
  
"He's here." Toby told her just as they both reached his office door. He held her back as she was about to enter. "Alexandra died."  
  
"She did? Oh no. Is he alone?"  
  
"Josh is with him." C.J. nodded and entered Toby's office.  
  
Toby did not enter straight away, Ginger had snagged hold of his arm, telephone in hand and quietly spoke to him, her hand over the phone's mouthpiece.  
  
"Leo says you have to take Sam over there to see him right away."  
  
"Tell Leo that he can't come."  
  
"Yes sir," she said as she moved her hand from the phone and started talking to Margaret through the receiver. Toby turned round and entered his office. Shutting the door behind him, he stood in front of it, as if on guard to ward off any disturbances.  
  
Josh and Sam were sitting next to each other on the sofa, Josh with his arm wrapped around his younger friend's shoulders. C.J. had perched herself on Toby's coffee table and put a hand on Sam's knee.  
  
"I'm really sorry, Spanky. When did it happen?"  
  
"One minute past midnight this morning. She got her Christmas." C.J. squeezed Sam's knee and Josh's grip of Sam's shoulders tightened.  
  
"What the hell is...?" Leo shouted as he swept into Toby's office. Toby dodged out the way of the speeding Chief of Staff though managed to raise his hand to indicate that Leo should keep quiet in the process.  
  
"She died in my arms. I held her as she died," Sam leaned into Josh and Toby waved Leo into Sam's office.  
  
"She died."  
  
"12.01 this morning," Toby confirmed.  
  
"Ah, holy hell! Poor kid," Toby nodded. "I feel bad. Toby can you handle the thing?"  
  
"It's done."  
  
"O.K. Send him home or something, would ya." Toby nodded again and went back into his own office while Leo left the Bullpen.  
  
Josh cocked his head in Leo's direction and Toby nodded discreetly. Ginger slipped into Toby's office with the glass of water Toby had requested and gave it to the Deputy. Sam tried to pull himself together a bit as he took slow sips of the cool water.  
  
"What's going on?"  
  
"It doesn't matter." C.J. said softly, any work seemed inconsequential.  
  
"I was paged. What's going on?"  
  
"It's a thing about France," Toby answered. "I've got it."  
  
"You should go home." Josh said.  
  
"I can't Josh, not at the minute."  
  
"That's fine, Sam. Do you want to come and lay down in my office?" C.J. asked, glad that her office also had a couch.  
  
"I can't stay here?"  
  
"No." C.J. told him firmly. "Toby has to write the thing and if you stay here you'll only be tempted to help him. You can come to my office out of temptation's path and also, I can keep my eye on you." She smiled, very proud of her idea. Sam seemed a little reluctant to move away from Josh, so they moved as a unit to C.J.'s office while Toby settled at his desk to write the latest (and he hoped final) statement.  
  
X X X  
  
"Do you need anything, Sam?" C.J. asked. Sam shook his head resolutely and scrunched into the corner of C.J.'s sofa, his legs pulled right up to him. Josh rested a reassuring hand on Sam's knee, the one that was nearest to him.  
  
They had given Carol instructions on the way in to only disturb them if it was Toby, Leo, Donna of Charlie looking for them.  
  
"Do you wanna have a sleep or something?" Josh asked. He didn't know what he could do or say to help, any possible platitude he felt he could offer would be impotent. He noticed that C.J. also looked uncomfortable, unsure of how she should act. She pulled one of the visitor's chairs that were facing her desk and swivelled it to face the two men, sitting on its edge.  
  
"I'm not a child." Sam grumbled.  
  
"We know Spanky. It's just you can't have gotten much sleep. We thought you might be tired."  
  
"I'm not." Sam fiddled with his shirt sleeve, which was poking out from his jacket sleeve. He felt a shiver run down his spine.  
  
"You cold?" Sam shook his head pitifully. C.J. got up and perched herself on the sofa arm near Sam. She rested her hands on his shoulder and began working her fingers to try and ease some of the tension in Sam's neck. Sam leaned back gratefully. He needed the contact and the soothing movement of C.J.'s hands really was making him feel a little sleepy. He fought the tiredness, though yawned periodically.  
  
After a while C.J. told Sam and Josh to scoot along the couch so she could fit at the end, next to Sam. Both did as they were told and C.J. slotted herself in. She somehow managed to coax Sam into leaning against her and put his feet on Josh's lap in attempts to get him to get some rest.  
  
Sam was almost as adamant that he wasn't going to go to sleep as adamant as he had been that he wasn't going to cry but he didn't shy away from the comfort he could plainly see his friends were trying to offer.  
  
They sat comfortably together until Carol knocked softly on the door.  
  
"Message from Toby. He said it's done and he's on his way over to the President now."  
  
"Thanks, Carol. Can you get them in, please?"  
  
"Sure thing."  
  
"You need a hand?" Josh asked. "Donna'll help."  
  
"That would be good, thanks," Carol smiled.  
  
"In that case, Joshua, you can go and set Donna off on that and Samuel here and I will go straight off to the Oval Office. You can meet us there."  
  
"O.K. with you, Sam?"  
  
"Yeah." C.J. stood up and then hauled Sam to his feet. Josh waited until Sam was up and clear of him before he stood up, then he followed C.J. and Sam out of the Press Secretary's office. He smiled to himself as he saw C.J. take a hold of Sam's hand, not letting go as they walked through the hallways of the West Wing.  
  
X X X  
  
Toby was waiting in the Outer Office of the Oval, being watched very closely by Mrs. Landingham, who did not seem impressed with his constant movement, the statement in a folder held closely to his chest. She stopped watching him so closely when she saw C.J. walk in leading Sam by the hand.  
  
"Hi Sam." She said. "Would you like a cookie, Sam?"  
  
"No thank you." Sam said.  
  
"Yes he would." C.J. and Toby simultaneously. Mrs. Landingham smiled at Sam and C.J. indulgently, yet shot a glare at Toby who she felt was being too domineering as opposed to C.J.'s maternalism. "Would you like a cookie, C.J.?"  
  
"I would like a cookie very much, thank you, Mrs. Landingham." C.J. reached into the cookie jar and took out a cookie for herself and another, which she promptly thrust into Sam's mouth when he opened it to protest.  
  
"It's very sad, Sam. I'm sorry." Sam nodded and stepped closer to C.J.  
  
"No cookie for Toby?" C.J. asked raising her eyebrows. Mrs. Landingham shook her head. She beckoned C.J. forward and said something quietly to her that none of the others could here. Toby rolled his eyes while Sam maintained his grip on C.J.'s hand.  
  
Josh came bounding into the Outer Office as the others were being ushered into the Oval Office. The President was waiting for them by the door. Toby handed him the folder straight away, a scowl on his face, which seemed to grow even more pronounced when Josh entered the room, his mouth full of cookie.  
  
"Has she been withholding cookies from you again, Toby?"  
  
"Yes, Mr. President, she has," The President grinned but stuck his head outside the door to talk to his secretary.  
  
"Mrs. Landingham, you really shouldn't deny the Communications Director your cookies. He really does work very hard and I promise he won't break anything."  
  
"Toby doesn't get a cookie Mr. President!" She said firmly.  
  
"Well, just as long as we're clear on that, then." The President tweaked his tie and went back in the Oval. "Sorry, Toby, she's really made up her mind about you." Toby waved a hand; he really didn't care that much. Instead he went and stood by C.J.  
  
"Has he been O.K.?" he whispered. C.J. nodded as she led Sam to one of the long sofas. The President went around to Sam's other side and sat down beside his young speechwriter, putting Toby's speech onto the coffee table. Toby sat on the other sofa next to Josh and Leo stood just at the end of that sofa.  
  
"How are you doing, Sam?"  
  
"Fine, Mr. President."  
  
"I really am very sorry to hear your sad news. Leo told me, I hope you don't mind. Abbey sends her condolences, too. You're doing O.K.?"  
  
"Fine, Sir."  
  
"Is there anything he's not telling me, Claudia Jean?"  
  
"We're doing O.K. here, Mr. President." C.J. assured him.  
  
"O.K." The President turned his attention to Toby. "It's done?"  
  
"Yes, Sir."  
  
"Excellent." He picked up the folder that Toby had brought with him and flicked through it, reading as he went. "Good, Toby. This is very good. You're getting the Press in C.J.?"  
  
"Carol's doing it now. Josh also donated Donna to get it done quicker."  
  
"Excellent. I'll be on the podium at one. What's next?" When no one had anything else to contribute, Leo waved the Senior Staff into his own office.  
  
Once they had reassembled in there, each of them fighting to sit next to Sam, so much so that Josh was nearly sitting on Toby's knee, until the older man harrumphed to a chair where he might at least be able to breathe.  
  
"We gonna be ready for one?" Leo asked. "It's not that long."  
  
"If the reporters can't get in," said Toby, "they miss the story; simple as that."  
  
"We'll fax a written copy to anywhere that doesn't have a representative and they'll miss their audience with the President," Said C.J. "they'll be a little late getting it, but that's just hard cheese."  
  
"You're saying people shouldn't be away enjoying Christmas with their families?" asked Josh temporarily forgetting. He shot an apologetic look at Sam.  
  
"That's exactly what I'm saying, Joshua. Are any of us at home right now? No."  
  
"It won't be a problem with an empty room?"  
  
"It'll be fine. Less questions, too."  
  
"We need the questions, C.J." Toby commented. "This is a victory, we need to let people know that we won and we are not going to stand for anything else in the future."  
  
"D'you put that in your speech?" she asked.  
  
"Yes, C.J. of course."  
  
"We got it covered then." She dismissed Toby's concerns.  
  
"O.K. then. Let's get this done," Said Leo. "we can get this wrapped up by New Year. Go."  
  
X X X  
  
**13.00**  
  
The President took his place at the podium in the Press Briefing Room. C.J. stood just behind, ready to field questions, while the rest of the Senior Staff observed from the back of the room.  
  
"Good afternoon. I am sorry to disturb your holidays but we have had some new and exciting developments that have led to the resolution of the diplomatic conflict between ourselves and the French.  
  
"First thing this morning we received word from President Delacroix of France; he is taking full responsibility for the nuclear activity in the South Pacific near our own shores and those of our friends in the Federated States of Micronesia. The French President has admitted to us that the tests occurred with his full knowledge and consent, authorised directly by him.  
  
"The threat of international sanctions against both him personally and the French government prompted his honesty and his desire to rectify the harms that have been done. He is tendering a Treaty to ensure that no such tests will occur in these waters again nor any others around our territories, a Treaty I hope Congress will feel able to ratify; our failure to sign the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty delayed this successful outcome. The French will also take responsibility for the environmental impact of these tests, instigating a programme to rejuvenate the water and to rectify all damage caused to marine life to date.  
  
"Monsieur Delacroix has personally expressed his regret to me and this country, an act that has taken courage, to be sure. We are once more proud to acknowledge our friendship with President Delacroix and with the French people. Thank you."  
  
A sea of hands shot up. The Staffers at the back of the room could see no one who was not trying to draw the attention of C.J. Leo marvelled at the way she controlled the room, so confident and adept, so much so that he did not notice Margaret slip in behind him. She touched him lightly on the shoulder and handed him a piece of paper with a hand written message on it. Leo looked at it quickly and then took it immediately to the President, still at the front of the room. As the Chief of Staff walked towards the front of the room the cacophony of the reporters' shouts softened some, all wondering what could so important as to warrant the interruption by the White House Chief of Staff. The President glanced down at the note and indicated to the room that he wanted quiet.  
  
"I have just here, received word that President Delacroix has officially offered his resignation and elections will be called with immediate effect. The resignation stems from growing public pressure over recent months about both international and domestic issues. We wish the people of France wisdom and insight as they elect a new leader and also strength, guts and courage in these difficult times and in the future so that they make the right choice in the selection of their new leader." Toby, Sam and C.J. cringed simultaneously from their different places.  
  
"What?" asked Josh obliviously.  
  
"He just said three things that mean the same thing." Said Sam.  
  
"Oh. And that's a bad thing?" Toby started spluttering and Josh wasn't entirely convinced that he wasn't about to explode. Josh wasn't one hundred per cent sure but he had a sneaking suspicion, a small sneaking suspicion that he may have seen a tiny smile tug on Sam's lips.  
  
X X X  
  
After the President had left the Press Room, it was up to C.J. to construct something tangible from the carnage that was left. Every single member of the Press Corps had a hundred plus questions for C.J. to evade or answer. The pace was furious and led to a long, intense time behind the podium, compounded throughout the afternoon by the glut of phone calls that led to the constant ringing the ears of both C.J. and her staff.  
  
By 8 o'clock the phone frenzy had calmed considerably so C.J. took the opportunity to slip away for a few moments, leaving Carol to take messages should any calls from stragglers come. She was weary and felt herself nearing the brink; the day had seemed overwhelming for her, she dared not think how it must be for Sam. She was shocked by Alexandra's sudden decline and consequent death, the sadness amplified by the buzz and the whir of the day and the mechanisms of politics, those she was usually contented to witness and partake.  
  
They had taken Sam out to lunch to ensure that he had something to eat which left her drained. She felt like an outsider for the entire duration of the meal. She had not known what to say to Sam, she did not trust herself and there was an overwhelming sadness that rested upon her very spirit. Truth be told, the thoughts that had consumed her and the feelings that rode high within her had knocked her off balance, interrupted the flow of her chi, as it were. It had affected her in profound ways she could neither have anticipated nor explain.  
  
C.J.'s progress in the Press Room was monitored throughout the day by Toby and Leo, each watching in their respective officers whilst combating their own tasks that came about from the day's events.  
  
At 8.10pm, Toby closed the final pending file, threw it on his done pile and leaned into the back of his chair. He sighed long and deep and listened to the quiet of his office. His head was buzzing, he too had listened to the incessant ring of telephones from the Bullpen. He was relieved that they had slowed in frequency, his workload increased by Josh and Sam's absence and decided he needed to stretch his legs before returning to prepare notes for the State of the Union; he had any number of ideas zipping through his mind, all of which would prevent him sleeping, as if that would not prove to be elusive enough at any rate; nothing like the frenetic activity of the day to get the mind working.  
  
He walked out of his office and through the Bullpen, a full compliment of staff present despite the holiday season, leaving instructions with Ginger to take messages and that he would deal with them on his return in a little while.  
  
He walked out of the Bullpen and then turned out with great rapidity and marched back into his office. He grabbed his coat and checked the pocket to make sure his packet of cigarettes were in there, feeling the bulk the packet created, he put the coat over his arm the way a waiter would a towel and left the area once more.  
  
On his journey through the hallways he passed by the open office of the door of Leo McGarry.  
  
"Toby!" Toby stopped in his tracks and stuck his head into the Chief of Staff's office.  
  
"Yeah?" Leo was behind his desk, pen poised.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"She did well."  
  
"She did." Toby affirmed.  
  
"You're stepping out?"  
  
"For a minute."  
  
"You're busy?"  
  
"I have been."  
  
"O.K." Leo nodded abruptly bringing an end to the conversation, then he reaffirmed: "She did well." Then turned his focus to the paper in front of him, which Toby took to signify the end of the conversation; moving off through the halls once more.  
  
He decided he would stop by C.J.'s office to check up on her. He knew how frantic his day had been and figured that C.J.'s would have topped his tenfold, at least. He also knew that feelings were running high and there lunch with Sam had moved her deeply.  
  
Toby arrived at C.J.'s office, greeted by a fraught looking Carol. Toby tried to see around her into C.J.'s office, though he saw no sign of the Press Secretary.  
  
"She's stepped out, Toby."  
  
"She's coming back?"  
  
"I'm taking messages."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
Toby walked on to find C.J. He walked around the West Wing trying to locate her, checking the briefing room, the press room and the mess, amongst other places. When he had still turned up no sign of the Press Secretary, he decided that he would cut his losses and go out for that cigarette he had been craving so much for the past forty-five minutes, concluding that C.J. would not be found if she did not want to be and that she would come out of hiding when she was good and ready.  
  
He left the building through the main lobby donning his coat and walked into the crisp, dark night. There was a covering of snow and Toby's footsteps crunched; the new snow compacting as Toby went. When he was halfway down the drive that led to the perimeter gate on Pennsylvania Avenue, he felt further flakes on their gentle descent. He saw their delicacy and pondered their complex patterns, then realised, much to his consternation, that his thought processes were beginning to resemble Sam's.  
  
Toby's dark coat changed into a white blanket; he pulled it tighter around him to keep out the cold wind and to stop the damp crystals landing on his suit jacket. After a long walk down the drive and a covering of snow later he reached the gate and went through it onto the quiet street.  
  
X X X  
  
It was quiet on the street; the weather and the holidays keeping most people away. C.J. stood, her arms wrapped around herself to keep out the cold, her suit jacket taking the brunt of the weather in the absence of a coat. The white flakes landed on her hair and onto her jacket, melting into nothingness.  
  
She stood looking up as the delicate flakes tumbled from the black sky, mesmerised. She was jolted by a voice from behind.  
  
"Penny for 'em?"  
  
"They're not worth a penny." C.J. said then she turned around and saw Toby looking fixedly at her.  
  
"It's snowing." Toby stated the obvious.  
  
"So I see."  
  
"You did well, with the press." C.J. nodded. "And now you're out here in the middle of a snow storm with no coat."  
  
"I didn't mean to come out here. It just happened."  
  
"What, you fell out of the door and tumbled down the drive?" C.J. didn't say anything. Toby walked to stand next to her and they both stood there, looking out. "You O.K.?"  
  
"Fine."  
  
"You're thinking about Sam?" Toby guessed.  
  
"How can he cope with all this? It's too much!"  
  
"It is."  
  
"Do you think he's O.K.?"  
  
"Josh is with him."  
  
"The question stands." C.J.'s attempt at humour was greeted by a small smile that graced Toby's lips, though it was obscured somewhat by his beard.  
  
"You've been busy today?"  
  
"Hardly had a moment to think."  
  
Toby reached into his pocket and manoeuvred a cigarette from its packet. He popped it into his mouth hoping that the snow would not have a detrimental effect on the cigarette as he reached for his lighter, which he produced from the other pocket. He flicked the lighter and a flame appeared, the delicate flicker protected from the elements by Toby's hand. the small flame pierced the darkness and lit C.J.'s face. Toby could see the crystal sparkle of an unshed tear in the corner of her left eye. He felt deep compassion for his long time friend. He could see how moved she was. The worry she felt for Sam and the pity; especially the pity.  
  
"I'm tired. It's been a long day."  
  
"It has." Toby took a draw of the cigarette and then exhaled, gently releasing the smoke from his mouth.  
  
"She was too young to die, Toby. She was just a girl." Toby could see that C.J. felt this pain deeply, knew she had been profoundly affected, yet he felt unable to put his hand out to comfort her as she had done him; he was afraid that he would betray his own feelings; his sadness, his concern and his pity. Pity; the overriding emotion that consumed them both; pity that Alexandra Johnston had to die; pity for Sam, that he had lost his true love; pity for themselves, that they had not been able to do more to help.  
  
C.J. felt the rogue tear escape from her eye and brushed it away sharply; ashamed of her own self-pity. To try to alleviate all the emotions that longed to loose themselves on her, she reached toward Toby's cigarette.  
  
"May I?" Toby nodded and took it from his mouth, handing it to her. He resisted making a comment about the fact that she was, at all other times, adamantly anti-tobacco and early on the bandwagon to criticise Toby's addictions to all that's good and true: cigarettes, cigars and alcohol. Toby rubbed his thumb and forefinger together back and forth, their nervous movement now uncurbed by the loss of the solid entity that curbed their movement.  
  
C.J. took a long drag on the cigarette, inhaling deeply. Toby saw that it grounded her a little, it helped keep her calm and drew her mind away from all that disturbed it.  
  
Toby thought it bizarre that one small stick could have such a profound effect, grateful that it was once more in his possession as C.J. handed it back to him.  
  
Toby looked at C.J. The amount of snow that had settled on the tall woman was increasing at an astounding speed. He popped the cigarette back in his mouth, clamping his jaw firmly around it while he shrugged out of his long black coat, patterned by nature with patterns of white. He popped the coat around C.J.'s shoulders, the inability to make physical contact gone now that they had shared a moment together, mutually understood and profound.  
  
Toby bought his hand up to the small of C.J.'s back an gently propelled her in the direction of the gate, now with the drifts of white around it from the snow fall, the top of the ornate iron work white too. He took the half- smoked cigarette from his mouth and threw it on the floor, stamping on it viciously. In a moment the stub was covered over with a coating of fresh snow. Nothing escaped the all-encompassing grip of the winter weather.  
  
"Our kid'll be O.K.?" C.J. asked.  
  
"Our kid'll be fine." Toby confirmed. There was no way that they would ever let him be anything but.

* * *

Sam was exhausted by the time he arrived home at 7pm. He had gotten away from the White House at three and Josh, Toby and C.J. had insisted that he go with them to get something to eat, then Josh took him to see Alexandra.  
  
He waited outside for Sam and then wouldn't hear of any alternative to him driving Sam home, though to be fair, Sam did not put up much of a fight. He did draw a line though, when Josh suggested he come in and tuck him into his bed and insisted that he was not a child, though he did not object when Josh came in anyway and brewed them both some coffee. They drank the brew and sat in companionable silence until about 9 o'clock, at which point Josh, at Sam's insistence that he was indeed fine and that he would be O.K. by himself, left Sam alone in his apartment.  
  
As he sat on the sofa he saw a bit of paper sitting on the side table. He snatched it up to look at it. It was the letter he had written. He read it and he thought about her; his Alexandra and he cried into the night.

**

* * *

**

Tuesday 6th January  
  
It had come at last. The day of the funeral had arrived, delayed by both the Christmas and New Year's holidays. Josh had taken it upon himself to play Sam's personal protector for the day, arriving at his apartment first thing in the morning. He had grovelled at Leo for the whole day off work, though C.J. and Toby had only managed to get the time for the funeral itself.  
  
The President had written Sam a beautiful note (and done so himself), also from Abbey and the girls, expressing their profoundest sympathies and heartfelt wishes. He regretted that he was unable to attend but he wanted the funeral to be a private affair to allow Sam time to grieve.  
  
Sam had convinced his Mom and Dad not to fly over from California and Leo had said that he would be unable to go. There was also a card from the Press Corps and another from Lord John Marbury (sent via 'Gerald'), amongst others.  
  
X X X  
  
There was only one wreath on the casket, a simple combination of white roses and white lilies that were from Sam. The request had been made that instead of getting flowers people make a donation to the Child Leukaemia Foundation. As Sam and Josh followed the casket into the chapel they saw that it was about half full. Toby and C.J. were sitting at the front with Charlie Young, whom the President had sent on his behalf. Behind them were Jenny and Mallory McGarry, there to support Sam and also to act as representatives of Leo. There were a collection of people that the couple had known from within the White House and some people who had worked with Alexandra. There was Congresswoman Wyatt sitting next to Toby and representatives from Jeff Breckenridge's office nearby too. Sam noticed Kim Dryden at the back of the Church as well as Ainsley Hayes; many of the people there were present to support Sam and mutual acquaintances of the couple, rather than people who specifically knew Alexandra.  
  
When it came time for the eulogy, Sam stood, against Josh's urging and his own better judgement. He walked to the front lectern and took a piece of paper from his suit pocket and began to read it clearly and calmly with solemnity, though not without passion:  
  
_"Dear Alexandra,  
  
"I would like to thank you for the most wonderful time, I think even of my whole life. Our meeting was nothing short of serendipitous, I can only suppose that fate was smiling on us both. What I wouldn't give for the opportunity to spend more time with you; time we could both enjoy, as we did today, time when there's just the two of us.  
  
"I don't ever remember having felt like this, just from one short moment, one peaceful perfect moment; it's as if in a dream, a fantasy. I think of all the opportunity ahead of us and wonder what could be, all of those 'perhapses', how sweet they could be, how special.  
  
"To be the victim of cliché, I feel that my life has been made richer, simply from having met you. You are a bright, intelligent person and you are beautiful too. I love your hair, I love your eyes but most of all I love your smile, no matter how grim I know that face could light up any room, make any situation look so much brighter; bring hope.  
  
"I wanted to thank you; I suppose. Thank you for the time you shared with me; thank you for the happiness you have brought me in even this short a space of time; it's as if I belong; as if we belong. Together. For the happy memories we have created, for special moments like this I am eternally grateful.  
  
"I wish to thank you for all of that and more than I think you'll ever know. I will never forget this day; I'd like to think that we could be together forever.  
  
"Love Sam.  
_  
"This is a letter I wrote the day I met Alex, she pervaded my thought so. I never gave it to her and she never knew how much of an impression she made on me that day, not really. That she never read this is perhaps something I will always regret; it was written only as fallacy, a folly whose poignancy, I hope, is now apparent and echoed by all who hear it today. That these memories of a wonderful girl...woman, coincide with your own feelings about her; the things that made her special become the special memories that we all share and take with us, from this place. Alexandra Johnston, I will keep you in my heart for always."  
  
Sam went and sat down next to Josh and felt C.J.'s hand on his shoulder and heard Toby mutter something about a lack of verbs, (just to show that he cared).  
  
"That was beautiful, Sam," C.J. whispered.  
  
The cremation was quick and was followed by a wake at Sam's apartment, Josh never letting his friend out of his sight, even for a moment.  
  
A sea of faces, many of whom Sam would not remember when he looked back, came up to offer their condolences, to give him a hug or a kiss on the cheek and to squeeze his arm, so he knew he wasn't alone.

* * *

When everyone had gone, having given Sam their best wishes and told him that he was in all of their thoughts, he got Josh to drive him to Chesapeake Bay.  
  
Josh stayed in the car while Sam went out and looked over the ocean. He took the ashes with him and flung them into the wind. They fluttered about, almost like confetti. He had the ring back again. They had given it back to him with the ashes. He looked at it momentarily then drew his arm back and threw it into the ocean.  
  
As the ring sailed from Sam's hand, it glinted in the setting sun until it slipped into the water and sank out of sight.  
  
Sam's face glowed orange with the sun shining down on him, it seemed to Josh from the car almost as a divine light. As if Alexandra were making contact with him from wherever she had gone, as if she were filling him.  
  
Josh sat in the car for a while as the sun disappeared, to be replaced with darkness and the wind got up. He could see it whistling through the trees. He got out of his car and went down to stand by Sam who was looking over the ocean at the water that had gone from blue to orange to a deep green.  
  
"You O.K.?" Josh asked as he went and put his hand on his friend's shoulder to get his attention  
  
"Yeah." They both stood out looking toward the ocean; the only two people about. Josh kept his hand on Sam, standing just behind his friend, both of them looking on and remembering.  
  
_A hand above the water   
An angel reaching for the sky   
Is it raining in Heaven?   
Do you want us to cry?  
  
And everywhere the broken-hearted   
On every lonely avenue   
No one could reach them   
No one but you  
  
One by one   
Only the good die young   
They're only flying too close to the sun   
Life goes on without you...  
  
We'll remember forever  
  
And now the party must be over   
I guess we'll never understand   
The sense of your leaving   
Was it the way it was planned.?  
  
And so we grace another table   
And raise our glasses one more time   
There's a face at the window   
And I ain't never, never saying goodbye  
  
One by one   
Only the good die young   
They're only flying too close to the sun   
Crying for nothing   
Crying for no one   
__No one but you...  
  
(Excerpt from'Only The Good Die Young' by Queen. This version transcribed from the Original London Cast Recording of 'We Will Rock You').  
_  
"Come back to the car, Sam." Josh said as he felt his friend begin to shiver.  
  
"Yeah." Sam said, letting Josh turn him and lead him back, his arm wrapped around Sam's back.  
  
"You all done here?"  
  
"I am."  
  
"Come on then, buddy, let's take you home now. Let's take you home." Josh started the car and they left the Bay, both with sadness in their hearts but now looking towards the next chapter.  
  
**THE END **


End file.
